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Pair of Sixes 



iy^fi^i-^.'fiAi'fP ■•■''' 



)WARD PEPLE 



7W>MW' 




FRENCHS STANDARD UBRARY EDITION 




MUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th St., New York 



A PAIR OF SIXES 



A FARCE IN THREE ACTS 



EDWARD PEPLE 



Author of "The Littlest Rebel", "The Prince Chap", 
" The Love Route ". 



CoPYBiGHT, 1914, By Edwabd Peple 

Copyright, 1917, Ev ITnv.'Ar^D Pzple 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned 
that " A PAIR OF SIXES ", being fully protected under 
the copyright laws of the United States, is subject to a 
royalty, and anyone presenting the play without the 
consent of the owner or his authorized agents will be 
liable to the penalties by law provided. Application for 
amateur acting rights must be made to Samuel French, 
28-30 West 38th Street, New York. Application for the 
professional acting rights must be made to the American 
Play Company, 33 West 42nd Street, New York. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

S8-90 WB8T 38th street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd. 

86 Southampton STBmrr 

STRAND 






Especial notice should be taken that the possession 
of this book without a valid contract for i/ruuuctioji 
first having been obtained from the publisher, confers 
no right or license to professionals or amateurs to 
produce the play publicly or in private for gain or 
charity. 

In its present form this play is dedicated to the 
reading public only, and no performance of it may be 
given, except by special arrangement with Samuel 
French. 

SECTION 28.— That any person who v/ilfully or for 
profit shall infringe any copyright secured by this act, 
or who shall knowingly and wilfully aid or abet such 
infringment, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, 
and upon conviction thereof shall be punished by im- 
prisonment for not exceeding one year, or by a fine of 
not less than one hundred dollars nor more than one 
thousand dollars, or both, in the discretion of the 
court. Act of March 4, 1909. 



OGI.D 47814 

SEP 15 1917 



A PAIR OF SIXES 



Produced at the Longacre Theatre, New York City. 

THE ORIGINAL CAST 

George B. Nettleton George Parsons 

Business partners 

T. BoGGS Johns Hale Hamilton 

Krome Their hook-keeper. Robert Smiley 

Miss Sally Parker. .Their stenographer. Carree 

Clark 

Thomas J. Vanderholt Their lawyer. Fritz 

Williams 

Tony Toler Their salesman. Jack Devereaiix 

Mr. Applegate ' Walter Allen 

Office Boy John Merritt 

Shipping Clerk Frank Gerbrach 

Mrs. George B. Nettleton Ivy Troiitman. 

Miss Florence Cole Ann Murdoch 

Coddles An English maid of all work. Maude 

Eburne 



SYNOPSIS OF SCENES 

Act I. Offices of The Eureka Digestive Pill 

Co., in New York City. 
Act II. Home of Mr. Nettleton. Two weeks 

later. 
Act III. The same as Act Second. One week 

later. 

3 



A PAIR OF SIXES 



ACT I 



DISCOVERED: — Sally Parker, the stenog- 
rapher, seated at the type-desk, writing furi- 
ously on the typewriter. Krome, the hook- 
keeper, seated at the high desk u. c. working 
over his books. 

AT RISE: — At the rise of the Curtain, Krome 
rises quickly, picks up the ad. dummy from the 
high desk, and goes swiftly to the desk d. l. — 
places dummy on same and makes entry in 
large hook. Sits hy the desk. At the same 
time the Office Boy has entered from u. l. with 
two letters — one addressed to the stenographer, 
the other to the Book-keeper. The Office Boy 
starts to R., walking very fast, — the Shipping 
Clerk has entered from u. r. and moves rap- 
idly to L. They (the Office Boy and the 
Shipping Clerk) — hump violently into each 
other as they meet c. and continue on their 
way, glaring at each other over their shoulders. 

Shipping Clerk, {^peaking over his shoidder 
as he goes to up-stag e side of the desk d. l.) Look 
where you're going, you little red-headed simp ! 

Jimmy. {Going to the type-desk, r., speaking 
scornfully over his shoulder) GVan yer poor nut! 

Shipping Clerk. {Savagely) Who's a nut? 
5 



6 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Krome. (Turning half around in his chair and 
waving to Jim and the Clerk to be quiet, raises his 
voice so as to top them) Here, here! 

Shipping Clerk. {Still glaring at Jimmy, hands 
hills to Krome) Bills of laden. 

(Krome hands him paper in return and clerk exits 
u. R., scowling at Jimmy.) 

Jimmy. {Giving letter to Stenographer) Letter 
for you, Miss Parker. {Starts to l. to Krome) 

Sally. {Holding up typewritten telegraph 
blank) Here, Jimmy, ring for a messenger and get 
this off in a hurry. 

(Jimmy, who has reached c. turns hack to Sally.) 

Krome. (Holding up order to Jimmy) And ask 
the shipping clerk about this order, (Jimmy on 
hearing Krome's voice stops and turns to him) it's 
over a week behind and the customers kicking like 
a mule. 

(Jimmy starts to Krome when Sally again calls.) 

Sally. (Waves the telegraph form at Jimmy) 
Here, Jimmy, when I call you, come. 

Jimmy. (Hesitates a second between the two, 
then makes a frantic dash to Krome, takes the order 
which Krome holds out to him, then crosses back 
of the desk c. to Sally — quickly — speaks as he 
walks) Aw, how many lings does yer want me to 
be doin' at de same time? I ain't no orty-mc-bile 
truck ! (Jerks the telegram away from Sally) 

Sally. (Rather amused) No; you're a noisy 
little run-about that needs more spanking than you 
do cran^ -'ng. (Starts to write) 

Jimmy. (Holding the order and the telegram in 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 7 

his right hand and using his l. to describe what he 
says) Say! If you was my wife do you know 
what I'd do? 

Sally. {Stops writing — turns to Jimmy. 
Krome zuorks the A. D. T, call on the wall r. oj the 
high desk c.) What? 

Jimmy. (Sentimentally) I'd take you on a wed- 
din' trip to de very end of de world 1 

Sally. (Laughs UgJitly, amused. Krome goes 
to the high desk to work on books — dips pen in the 
ink and pauses to hear. Turns slightly to r.) Oh, 
that would be nice. 

Jimmy. (Pointing down zuith hand) An' den 
I'd drop you off. 

Sally. (Furious, — Krome tries to suppress 
laughter) Oh! (Slaps Jimmy soundly on the left 
cheek with her right hand) 

Krome. (Severely) Get out of here. (Jimmy 
scampers out up r. holding hand to cheek. Mrs. 
Nettleton enters at this point from u. l. As she 
closes the door, Krome turns quickly and Sally 
works the typewriter very hard. As Mrs. Net- 
tleton starts R. by zvay of belozv the desk c.) Oh! 
Mrs. Nettleton. Come right in ! (Moves chair L. 
of the desk c. to her and motions her to sit) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Pointedly ignoring Sally as 
she comes down) How do you do, Mr. Krome? 
(As Krome indicates the chair) No, thank you, I 
haven't the time. Is Mr. Nettleton in his office? 

(Sally steals a glance at Mrs. Nettleton as she 
writes. ) 

Krome. (In his politest tone) He's out at pres- 
ent. I'm expecting him any moment. 

Mrs. Nettleton. Oh ! How very annoying. 
(Glances at watch, which hangs on chain about her 
neck. Mrs. Nettleton has by this time reached 



8 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

the R. stage corner of the desk c. She stops and 
faces Krome) I 'phoned him I would be here at 
twelve! (Starts to l.) I'll speak to Mr. Johns ! 

Krome. (Comes down stage and steps in front 
of Mrs. Nettleton as she passes left end of desk 
c.) Sorry, Mrs. Nettleton, but he's out too. Went 
over to the bank. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (With impatient gesture) I 
declare men are never in a place when we want 
them. (Sally pounds the typewriter with a ven- 
geance. Mrs. Nettleton crosses to her, speaking 
as she goes. Krome goes to high desk u. c. to r. of 
the high stool in front of same) Er — Miss Parker, 
please — ^please — it makes me nervous. (Sally stops 
writing at once, and sits in an exaggerated straight 
manner, clasping her hands in her lap. Mrs. Net- 
tleton crosses to the entrance u. l. hy way of the 
upstage side of the desk c. Speaks as she walks) 
Tell Mr. Nettleton that I have gone to the station 
to meet Miss Cole ! 

Krome. Yes'm, I will. 

Mrs. Nettleton. I'll be back in a little while, 
and wish to see him particularly. (Looks at Krome 
as she pauses a second) 

Krome. (A step to Mrs. Nettleton, nods his 
head) Yes'm, I'll tell him. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Pushes the office railing gate 
slightly open, then turns to Krome again. It just 
occurs to her) And say to him that I hope no 
stupid business will interfere with my appointment 
a second time. (Mrs. Nettleton exits u. l.) 

Krome. (Bozving) Yes'm. Good morning. 
(Goes to the high desk u. c. Picks up some papers) 

Sally. (Mischievously) Say, Charlie, what an 
old fool Adam was to have ever parted with that 
extra rib. 

Krome. (Taking papers and going to desk c. 
and putting them on the up-stag e l. side of same) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 9 

Well, it v/asn't his fault ; he was asleep at the time. 

Sally. And you men have never waked up 
since. Miss Parker — please, please — it makes me 
nervous. (Sally imitates Mrs. Nettleton in 
above speech, jerks paper from her typewriter vici- 
ously and lays it on desk; inserts two new sheets 
and a carbon) 

Krome. (Who rather likes Mrs. Nettleton, 
speaks sharply) What's the matter with Mrs. Net- 
tleton ! 

Sally. (IVith a short angry laugh) Ch, she's 
nice enough to you. You wear trousers ! But did 
you see the way she looked at m.e? (Krome goes 
to the chair by the desk l. Sally dates letter on 
the machine and looks up) Thinks every woman 
on earth is crouching like a tiger, waiting; to pounce 
on her precious pudgy husband. And I'll tell you, 
Charlie, if this Miss Cole that Mr. Johns is so 
struck on, isn't an improvem.ent, I'm going to quit 
my job. (Goes up-stag e of the desk c. to l. of 
same, stands behind the chair l. of the desk) 

Krome. Well, I'm not worrying about the 
women, it's the men! I don't see w^hy the bosses 
can't get on. A big, fine business, increasing every 
month, and yet they are quarrelling and fighting all 
day long. 

Sally. {Polishing her nails with her handker- 
chief) Well! I know why, Vanity! (Krome sits 
in the chair by the desk l., makes entry in large 
book as he listens to Sally) Mr. Johns invented a 
violet sugar coating for a pill and believes he's 
made the world, and as for ?vlr. Nettleton— he's 
making a perfect show of liimself. (Sits on the 
chair l. of the table c, crosses her left leg over her 
R., exposing her calf; is quite unconscious of the 
fact, and continues polishing her nails) 

Krome. (Speaks as he works on the book) 
That's so. It's all right to quarrel when you have 



lo A PAIR OF SIXES. 

a failure, but our two bosses are the only two 
idiots I ever heard of, who couldn't get along when 
they had a success. 

(Jimmy enters from u. l., comes down between 
Krome and Sally. Speaks as he walks.) 

Jimmy. Mr. Krome, de shippin' clerk says — 
{He stops abruptly, looking at Sally's stockings 
out of the corner of his eye) 

Krome. (On hearing Jimmy's voice, stops writ- 
ing and raises his head, without turning around to 
hear what he says. After a second when Jimmy 
does not continue) Well — what? 

Jimmy. {Scratching his head in an endeavor to 
bring to mind the forgotteri message, but still gazing 
steadily at the hosiery) Well — he did say sumptin' 
— but — {Cranes his head forward to get a better 
look) it's gone clean out of me head. 

Krome. {Turns, catches Jimmy's look and fol- 
lows glance. His face beams, and takes on a broad 
grin. He turns further about in his seat in order 
to get a better view. Scratches his head with a 
ruler) Well, you take your head out there and 
keep your eyes on your work where they belong. 

Sally. {Looks up and sees the situation. Gives 
a startled shriek, and springs to her feet) Oh ! 
And you can do the same with yours ! ( Takes a 
few steps r. and looks at them indignantly. Jimmy 
and Krome snicker) 

Jimmy. {Catching sight of Mr. Nettleton 
through the office door u. l., shouts in alarm) 
Here comes Mr. Nettleton ! 

(Sally makes a dash for the typewriter, sits and 
works fast. Krome rises and holds place. Mr. 
Nettleton enters u. l., puts his hat on the hat- 
rack L. of the high desk, on the peg down 



A PAIR OF SIXES. ii 

stage side of the rack, then crosses to down r. 
by way of above the desk c, lays the newspaper 
he carries on the front of the desk r. side.) 

Krome. {As Mr. Nettleton enters) Er— Mr. 
Nettleton — ^your wife was here a few minutes ago, 
sir. She said she had an appointment with you. 

Nettleton. {Snapping his fingers, as he re- 
members) That's so— by Jove f Did you say I was 
called out on an important engagement ? 

Krome. {Puzzled) No sir, I didn't know you 
had one. 

Nettleton. {Looks at him in disgust) I 
hadn't ! But where's your imagination ! 

Krome. {Somewhat alarmed) But 

Nettleton. {Waving him to stop) I know — 
used it all up on your own family. {Starts to his 
office R., then stops and turns to Krome) By-the- 
way, Krome, did you finish that advertising 
dummy ? 

Krome. {Briskly, glad to change the subject) 
Yes, sir, I was just completing it as you came in. 
{Takes up the large sheet on which various adver- 
tisements are pasted in the form of a page, and ad- 
vances. Nettleton comes forward, meeting him 
at c. Krome holds the dummy up in his right 
hand) There's one thing, though, that 

Nettleton. {Jerks the sheet from Krome, looks 
severely at him, taps center of the sheet zvifh his 
fingers) What's thisf {Second's pause. Krome 
looks uneasy. Nettleton speaks sharply) I 
thought I told you — distinctly — that the center of 
this page was to be occupied by my ad., concerning 
the medicinal qualities of our pill. And here I find 
this junk about a fashionable violet coloring. 
{Flings the sheet on the desk c.) Bah! {Crosses 
to R.) 

Krome. {Terrified) I did fix it up the way you 
told me, but Mr. Johns 



12 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Nettleton. (Yelling ct him) Now never mind 
Mr. Johns ! You do what / say, understand ? 

Krome. Yes sir. 

Nettleton. {Sternly) Then do it. 

Kroi^vIE. {Picks lip the dummy, speaks timidly) 
I will, Mr. Nettleton, of course, but — but before 
this goes to the printer, I'll have to have Mr. Johns' 
O. K. and 

Nettleton. {Beside himself with rage) There 
you go! Mr. Johns — Mr. Johns! 'Till I'm sick 
and tired of it. {Shakes his finger threateningly at 
Krome) I'm the head of this firm, and the sooner 
you realize it the better — (Nettleton, at start of 
speech has walked up R. then dozvn stage, he turns 
suddenly to catch Sally smiling. Speaks sharply) 
You too. Miss Parker. 

Sally. {Jumps, changes expression at once) 
Yes sir! 

Nettleton. {To Krome) Think Fm carrying 
this whole business on my shoulders for fu7tf Who 
engaged you for this position, anyway ? 

Krome. Why — you did, sir. 

Nettleton. {Crosses to i<.) All right then, 
carry out my orders or I'll discharge you. What 
this office needs is system, and Fm going to have it. 
System, get me; system! {Exits R. i. Slams the 
door hard) 

Sally. (Laughs heartily. Krome goes quickly 
up to the high desk, first puts the dummy on the 
desk c. and from the high desk gets a white ad) 
What are you going to do, Charlie? 

Krome. (Down to above the desk c, holds the 
ad in left hand with the right hand rapidly puts the 
coat of paste on the violet ad on dummy. Paste is 
on the desk c. Then holding the dummy up to view 
of the audience zvith his right hand, puts the white 
ad over the other one. Speaks as he works) The 
only thing I can do. {Exhibiting the white ad to 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 13 

the view of Sally and the audience) I keep a 
stock of these on hand. Every time one boss kicks 
I paste his ad over the other one. (Krome pastes 
the white ad over the violet one and stands smiling 
at Sally, and waiting for her approval of his clev- 
erness) 

Sally. (Laughs and nods to Ero^ie) Hov/ 
many have you now ? 

Keome. Half a dozen. By the end of the week 
■ — if I last that long — (Foints at the white ad on the 
ditmr.iy which he is holding up) this pile will be an 
inch thick ! 

(Johns enters from u. l., singing before he comes 
on. ) 

Sally. {In a loud whisper to Kro:je) Oh 
Lord! Here's the other one. (Starts to write rap- 
idly. Krome puts the dummy on the desk c. and. 
moves quickly up to fiie high desk u. c. and begins 
zvork on ledger) 

Johns. {Jerks Nettletoit's hcf from the hat- 
rack as he enters and flings it on the h'qh desk and 
puts his hat on the rack. This is done so thct the 
noise of the hat being flung en the high desk and 
the hat being put on the rack corzes almost to- 
gether) Pass book, Krome. {Throws the book on 
the high desk to Krome — goes to above the desk c, 
picks up the dummy) Oh! Hello — finished the 
dummy, did you? Good boy ! (As he perceives the 
white ad in place of his own his face hardens — 
speaks sharply) Krome! {Goes to front of the 
desk c. with the dummy, turns and faces Krome, 
zvho comes down l. of him) 

Krome. {Fearing the zvorst) Yes sir? 

Johns. {Trying hard to control anger — holds 
the dummy up for Kr!o:iE's inspection — points at 
ike ad.) This is the fourth lime I find this absurd, 



14 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

inartistic and ridiculous cut in the middle of our 
advertising page. I told you to put mine there — 
(Takes step to Krome, tears off the white ad and 
tosses it on the floor. Checks Krome as he starts 
to speak) You ought to be able to understand a 
simple thing like that. If {Throws the dummy on 
the desk c.) you don't- 



Krome. I do, Mr. Johns, but Mr. Nettleton- 



JoHNS. {Checking him) Now, now — cut out 
Mr. Nettleton — {Crosses to within a few feet of the 
door R. I, raises his voice, so that Nettleton will 
hear htm, in his office) half the time he don't know 
what he's talking about, and the other half he's 
talking about what he doesn't know. (Nettleton, 
who has been standing with his door half ajar, lis^ 
tening, slams it violently. Johns chuckles to him- 
self with satisfaction, comes to front of the desk c, 
speaks sternly to Krome) You do as I tell you ! 

Krome. {At his wits' end) But — but how can 
I, when he insists on the opposite? 

Johns. And don't you know yet who the boss of 
this office is? {Sits on the desk c. — looks keenly at 
Krome) 

Krome. {Drops his eyes under the scrutiny of 
Johns) I'm — I'm sorry, sir, but I don't! 

Johns. {Savagely) Then I'll tell you — {Sup- 
pressed giggle from Sally — ^Johns turns, catches 
her — glares at her) both of you — {Back to Krome 
— swelling up) I am! If it wasn't for me, this 
business would be just what it was the day I came 
in — a poor little sickly squirming baby, dying of 
cholera infantum. I've made it what it is and I 
want it kept so, take that in ? 

Krome. {Steps to Johns) Yes, sir, I under- 
stand you — perfectly — but 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 15 

Johns. If Nettleton wants to countermand my 
order, yoti send him to me — {Crosses to r., raises his 
voice that Nettleton may hear) me — I'll show him 
who the boss is. (Goes to the desk, picks up the 
dummy — taps the ad with his finger) Now, fix up 
this dummy and don't pay any attention to that 
one — {Points off in direction of Nettleton's of- 
fice) and do it in the next ten minutes — it goes to 
the printers to-day. {Hands the dummy to Krome, 
and crosses to l.) 

Krome. {Follows him a step — speaks desper- 
ately) But listen, Mr. Johns — ^please — (Johns 
turns and surveys him coldly) I'm a poor married 
man — I'm doing my very best, I'm trying to follow 
instructions, but le — {Pointing to R.) says if I don't 
do it his way, he'll discharge me. 

Johns. {Feigning great concern) He said that? 

Krome. Yes sir. {Hopefully) 

Johns. That's too bad ! And you're a poor mar- 
ried man ? 

Krome. Yes, sir. 

Johns. You love your wife ? 

Krome. Yes, sir. 

Johns. Children? 

Krome. Yes, sir. 

Johns. Many? 

Krome. Yes, sir. 

Johns. Well, you do it my way, or 77/ discharge 
Tou. {Exits L. I — slams the door) 

(Krome gazes after him, rather dazed expression — 
sinks in chair l. of the desk c. Sally bursts 
into loud laughter. Krome frowns at her.) 

Krome. That's right — laugh! 

Sally. {Rises — still laughing — crosses to front 
of the desk c.) I can't help it, you old dear. You 
looked so funny that I — Good Lord! {As the bus- 



i6 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

zer sounds, follozvcd by tiie bell — Sally stops — 
looks frightened — She runs to her desk and makes 
a frantic grab for her stenographer's book and pen- 
cil, and rushes back to desk c. The Buzzer and the 
Bell coniiiiue, one after the other until — ) 

Krome. {Turning, with a grin) Aha! Now 
you can sec how funny it is. 

Sally. (Terrified — looks from one office to the 
other) Which one rang first? 

Krome. (Enjoying it) Neither — it was both at 
once. (Buzzer r. — until — ) 

Sally. Yes, I know, but if I go to Mr. Nettleton 
■ — (She darts to the door r., as she is witJiin a few 
feet of the door, Buzzer R. stops. Bell l. iintil — ) 
and if I go to Mr. Johns — (She runs to L. As she 
reaches l. c, the bell l. stops. Buzzar r. She 
starts back to r. As she reaches c. both Buzzer and 
Bell — She stops c. as both the bell and the Bvtzzer 
sound at once and continue. She looks helplessly 
from L. to R. and in a tone of desperation turns to 
Krome and asks) Charhe! Which one must I go 
to? 

Krome. (Still resentfid) Go to the one that 
will make you laugh — the most. 

Johns. (Entering from l. Comes on stage a 
few feet. Beckons Sally) Miss Parker, bring 
your book — (Starts out l. Krome rises from seat, 
goes up-stag e) 

Sally. (Meekly, starting after him) Yes sir. 

Nettleton. (Flinging open his door r. i, and 
coming on stage a few feet. In a voice of thunder) 
Miss Parker ! One moment ! ( Sally stops — turns, 
frightened. Johns, by this, has just passed through 
his door and stands listening, with his door ajar) 
I thought you fully understood that when my buz- 
zer sounded once, it meant that I wished to give dic- 
tation ? 

Sally. (Stammering) Yes sir — I do under- 
stand it — but 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 17 

Nettleton. {Gruffly snapping her up) Then 
bring your book. {Turns to his office R. Sally 
follows) 

Sally. Yes sir. 

Johns. {Rushes on stage from office to l. c.) 
Hold on there ! 

Sally. {Turns, hesitates between the two) 
Yes, sir — but you see — Mr. Nettleton — {Turns to 
Mr. Nettleton) 

Johns. {Motioning Sally to go into his office) 
Never mind him — I rang first. 

Nettleton. {Fiercely) You didn't! {Takes 
step to c.) 

Johns. I did! {Takes a step to c.) 

Nettleton. {Shaking his fist at Johns) It 
isn't true and I don't care if it is! I'm the senior 
partner in this firm — and propose to have my 
rights. {Turns to Miss Parker) Miss Parker, 
Pm ready with my m^ail. {Starts a step R., Sally 
starts after him) 

Johns. {A step forward) Oh no, you don't! 
The partners in this firm are equal 1 I own fifty 
per cent of the stock, don't I ? i\nd my mail is just 
as important as yours. Miss Parker, will come into 
my office — at once. {Makes a movemevit toward 
the office, Sally starts and Nettleton steps 
quickly forzvard and grabs her by the wrist) 

Nettleton. Will she? 

Johns. {Turns — takes in the situation, springs 
forward catching Sally's l. wrist. Krome comes 
hurriedly down l. and looks on in great alarm) 
She will ! 

(Nettleton a^id Johns speak the following to- 
gether as they see-saw Sally from one side to 
the other, Sally tries to get away but cannot 
do so until finish of the speeches.) 



i8 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Nettleton. Now, see here, Johns; I've stood 
your impudence just as long as I'm goin^ to and it's 
got to stop! You came in here as my assistant and 
you think you're the whole works ! I won't have it, 
I tell you! and you'd just as well understand it 
right now 1 

Johns. (At the same time) If you think you're 
going to interfere with the company's correspond- 
ence, just because of your own pig-headed selfish- 
ness, you've got another guess. I've got to get off 
my mail and I don't propose to do it with my hands. 

Krome. (Raises his hand in protest — tries to 
talk over them) Gentlemen! Gentlemen! 

Sally. (With a final effort wrests herself free) 
Oh, please — please! You are hurting my wrists! 
You — oh — (Moves quickly to R. and turns and 
looks at them indignantly) 

Nettleton. (Goes to front of the desk — slaps 
same as he speaks) See here, Mr. T. Boggs Johns, 
did you engage Miss Parker or did I ? 

Johns. You did! When I engage a stenog- 
rapher, I'll get one that's worth something ! 

Sally. (Steps down) Oh, you will ! Then I'll 
have you to know that Tm not dependent on this 
position for a living. If you want a typist that suits 
you, get one! (Stamps foot) 

Johns. I will ! You're fired! 

Nettleton. She's not ! (Struts a step or two R., 
throzuing out his chest) I retain her as my stenog- 
rapher. (Crosses stenographer to the door R. i, 
elated, turns and faces Johns) I'm glad to see 
that at least one of my employees recognizes the 
head of the firm. (As she exits through the door 
R. I, which stays open until the exit of the stenog- 
rapher) Bah ! 

Sally. (Hurries out after Nettleton. As she 
gets to the door — tu7'ns to Johns and imitates Net- 
tleton, hut louder) Bah! (Runs out r. i — the 
door is slammed hard) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 19 

Johns. (Crosses to the door r. i, furious) 
Why — {Goes up r., speaking as he walks) Krome 
— call up the agency and get me a personal stenog- 
rapher (Krome goes to the phone on the high desk 
u. c. L. of desk) and I call you to witness that when 
I want her for my mail she's mine. 

Krome. {At the phone) Yes sir. {In the 
phone) Hello — 5060 Worth ! 

Jimmy. {Enter from u. l., comes to above the 
desk c, points off L.) Mrs. Nettleton is waiting 
outside, sir. 

(Johns takes Jimmy hy the nape of the neck and 
gives him, a shove towards the rail u. l. 
Jimmy falls over the rail hut gets up quickly 
and dashes out u. l. John goes down R. laugh- 
ing and shaking head) 

Krome. {In the phone) Hello — yes — Eureka 
Digestive Pill Company — we want a good stenog- 
rapher right away! 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Off stage u. L.) Thank you, 
Jimmy. 

{At sound of Mrs. Nettleton 's voice, Johns goes 
to above the desk c, picks up some papers, 
turns his back to the entrance to ike offices u. 

L.) 

Jimmy. {Off stage u. l.) You're welcome, Mrs. 
Nettleton. 

(Mrs. Nettleton enters u. l., comes on stage as 
far as the office rail.) 

Johns. {Pretending that he is p.of azvore of Mrs. 
Nettleton's presence and talking f-^r her benefit) 
If George Nettleton can ha^e a dzvilish pretty typ- 



20 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

ist all to himself, I'll have one too. Krome, get me 
a slasher, a peach ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. Good morning, T. 

Johns. (Turns, feigns surprise) Ah! V/hy, 
Nellie, come right in. I'm glad to see yotu {Goes 
to the gate, opens it for her) 

Mrs. Nettleton. You ought to be. I haven't 
seen you for a month. Is George here? {She 
crosses to r. by way of below the table or desk c. 
Johns goes r. by way of above the desk c.) 

Johns. Oh, yes, in there with Miss Parker. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Turns quickly — looks at 
Johns) What ! 

Johns. {Smiles) His correspondence! {Of- 
fers Mrs. Nettleton the chair r. of the desk c.) 
Sit right here. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Sits — looks in the direction 
of Nettleton 's office with a troubled expression 
on her face) Oh! But — I understood from him 
that he left that detail of the work to you. 

Johns. {Dryly) U'm, yes — and lately I've been 
doing it with a fountain pen! {As Jimmy enters 
u. L.) Enter, Jimmy, through, not over. (Jimmy 
grins, comes through the gate — goes to the roll-top 
desk L. — puts the package he carries on same — iiien 
stares R.) . Jimmy! (Jimmy stops by the l. corner 
of the desk c. — leans on same — grins at Johns as he 
waits for the order) Tell I\Ir. Nettleton — if he can 
spare the time — and he isn't too busy, his wife 
would like to see him. 

Jimmy. {Grins more than ever — snickers) Yes 
sir. {Exits r. i — drags his feet — Johns and Mrs. 
Nettleton smile at each other in appreciation of 
Jimmy) 

Johns. I'm just engaging a stenographer of my 
own — to get anything done at all. 

Krome. {Speaks as he hangs itp the rccc'^'cr c'd 
comes to above the desk c. ) I beg your pardon, sir. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 21 

Johns. (Nods head to Mrs. Nettleton, to ex- 
cuse him — she nods — Johns Htrns slightly to 
Krome) Er — what is it, Krome? 

Krome. They are sending over six for you to se- 
lect from — three dark ones — two li^ht ones — • 
{Holds lip one finger) and one red. 

Johns. {Turns to get a better look at Krome— 
then to Mrs. Nettleton and smiles) I'll play the 
red. 

(Krome grins and exits u. r. Jimmy enters r. i, 
conies to within a feiv feet of Mrs. Nettleton 
and stands looking at fier — grins.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Discovering that she is the 
object of Jimmy's attention, looks at Jimmy haugh- 
tily — speaks sharply) Well, boy — well? 

Jimmy. {Grins) Says he's busy and yer'll have 
to wait a minute. {Exits u. R., drags feet) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Elevating her eye-brows 
slightly) Well, upon my word! (Crosses her 
hands resignedly) 

Johns. (Grinning to himself, then fuming sym- 
pathetically) Anything / can do — while you are^ 
waiting f 

Mrs. Nettleton. Oh, no ! No ! (Laughing 
nervously) It doesn't matter — really! (Again 
glancing r. then turning brightly) By the way, 
who do you think is visiting me ? 

Johns. (Delightedly) You don't mean — Flor- 
ence? (As Mrs. Nettleton smiles and nods) 
She wrote me that she would be here next Sunday? 

Mrs. Nettleton. She came this morning — 
(Looks at the office R. and back to Johns) Didn't 
George tell you? 

Johns. He? — No. (Quickly, as Mrs. Nettle- 
ton looks at him) I mean — it — it must have 
slipped his mind. 



22 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Steals glance at the door R.) 
Yes, possibly. She'll be here in just a minute. 

Johns. Good! Where is she? 

Mrs. Nettleton. We met Mr. Vanderholt — 
quite accidentally — going to his office ; and Florence 
stopped to chat with him. 

Johns. {A little taken hack) Oh! I see! 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Teasingly) You'll have to 
look out for Mr. Vanderholt. (Wags finger) He's 
awfully handsome and a dangerously clever lawyer. 

Johns. Now, don't you worry over Van — Nellie. 
I have something for Florence that will make Van 
look like a ten cent piece at Tiffany's. (Nods to 
Mrs. Nettleton — crosses to l. i) Excuse me? 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Rising) What is it, T? 

Johns. (Joyously) You ask her — to-morrow! 
{Laughs — exits l. i) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Calling after him — crosses 
to c.) I will — when I see it on her finger! 

(Loud laugh off r. i, from Sally and Nettleton. 
Mrs. Nettleton looks in that direction — her 
face becomes very stern.) 

Johns. (Calling hack) George is still busy. 
{Closes the door l. i) 

Sally. (Runs in from r. i, laughing heartily — 
as she sees Mrs. Nettleton — the laugh ends in a 
gasp of surprise) Oh ! Er — ^liow do you do, Mrs. 
Nettleton 1 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Regarding her severely and 
speaking with haughty dignity) Quite well, thank 
you. (Sally goes quickly to the type desk and sits 
■ — is embarrassed) I never knew before that — 
(Crosses to R., speaking as she goes) that Mr. Net- 
tleton's correspondence was so vastly amusing. 
{Exits R. i) 

Sally. (Gaining courage as the door closes — 
makes face) Huh! 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 23 

Tony. (Enters from u. l., comes in hurriedly — 
speaks as he opens the gate) Ah! Miss Parker! 
{Goes swiftly to fro?it of the desk c. Sally 
Parker does like-wise — Tony speaks as he walks) 
As sweet and as charming as ever, (Takes off his 
hat and holds it in his left hand with cane — takes 
Sally's right hand and holds it np to kiss) I greet 
thee with a hungry kiss! 

Sally. (Laughing) Why, Tony, how do you 
do! (Goes hack to the type desk — sits) 

Krome. (Enters u. R. with some papers — sees 
Tony — rushes to him — shakes hands with Tony 
from above the desk c.) Hello, Tony! When did 
you get in? 

Tony. (Puts the cane and hat on the desk c, 
shakes hands ivith Krome) Ten-fifty, limited, old 
chap. 

Krome. How are you? 

Tony. Still busy, boozy and begrimed. Where's 
Fighting George and Tackling T ? (Looks R. and l. 
as he mentions the names — and imitates a boxer 
and a football player) 

Krome. (Loud whisper — poi7its to L. and r. with 
both hands) Offices. 

Tony. In their offices ? Good work! (Picks up 
his cane and starts -Si.) I'm in a hurry !^ 

Sally. (Half rises — puts out hand in warning) 
Er — Tony — His wife is with him. 

Tony. {Pauses a moment as Sally speaks — - 
then rushes at the door R. i, and pounds it with his 
cane) I don't want his wife — I want him ! (Sally 
and Krome look at each other in alarm — Krome 
goes to the desk u. c. Tony makes a dash for the 
door L. and administers the same treatment to 
it) I've got something that will wake 'em up 
till they'll "never hit the sheets again. (Goes to 
front of the desk c. Puts cane on same — stands 
waiting for the partners) You watch little Tony 



24 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Toler! (Nettleton and Johns enter and look at 
Tony in outraged astonisliment, — he smiles and 
nods at them) Good morning, boys! Well, here I 
am! (As they both stride forzvard angrily, he 
holds out both hands to stop them) Now, don't get 
excited — please — please! {They stop within a few 
feet of Tony and stand looking at him) You are 
going to love rne ! (Speaks first to Nettleton then 
to Johns) In fact I think you're going to slip me a 
little kiss ! (As th.ey raise their hands threaten- 
ingly — he raises his voice and puts up hands to 
protect himself) But I don't want it. Say boys — 
(Slaps his hands — looks from Johns to Nettle- 
ton) I've almost — I say, almost — landed the 
North-western Drug Company . . . 

Nettleton. What ! 

Johns. (Slaps Tony on the bach) Good boy! 

Tony. (Addressing first one and then the other) 
Worked it through their President, Mr. Sammy 
Applegate. A big man — (Slaps hands) and a live 
wire. He's in town now — (Gleefully) On his 
bridal trip, — and if I can get him here in his pres- 
ent condition — (Kisses his hand to heaven) He's 
ours! 

Johns. (Enthusiastic) Great! When will you 
bring him? 

Tony. (Change of tone) That depends. 

Nettleton. On what? 

Tony. On you! (Very brisk and business-like) 
Of course it's not in my contract, but both of you 
promised, that the day I brought in the scalp-lock 
of the Northwestern, you'd make me a partner in 
this firm with a quarter interest and ten per cent 
commission on my sales. (As they both move back 
slightly) Now, then, does it go? 

Nettleton. (A step or two r.) Well I — I don't 
know about that. The business has increased since 
then 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 25 

Tony. (Snaps him up) So has the Northwest- 
ern's business. They control the patent medicine 
trade west of the Mississippi. I'll double your 
profits and put you where you ought to have been 
three years ago. (Change of tone) Question: Do 
I come in? (Folds arms — looks at Nettleton) 

Nettleton. Well, I don't know 

Johns. (Emphatically) You bet you do! 
(Tony turns quickly and catches Johns by the 
hand with both his hands) When / make a prom- 
ise, I keep it. Go to it, Tony ! 

Tony. (Shaking Johns' hajid hard) Thank 
you, Mr. Johns! (Turns and faces Nettleton) 
Well, Mr. Nettleton? 

Nettleton. Well — I guess he*s right. (Johns 
swells up — Tony's face beams) For the first time 
since I've known him. Tony laughs — Johns glares 
at Nettleton) You bring Mr. Applegate and I'll 
sign the contract. 

Johns. No, no, we'll sign the contract. (Tony 
picks up hat and caiic — starts to l. Johns stops 
Tony as he starts out) Where did you nail him, 
Tony? 

Tony. (Stops, goes to center — again speaks, 
first to one then the other) On the train, last night 
— A miracle! (To Johns) His bride ate soft shell 
crabs and a charlotte russe — (Makes a face, rubs 
his stomach — the partners register) then doubled up 
like a pretty little jack-knife. 

Nettleton. My, my ! 

Johns. (Shakes head) Too bad! 

Tony. (Nearly explodes) Bad! The greatest 
thing that ever happened. (Johns and Nettleton 
draw closer) 1 handed her a bow. (Bows to 
John, very low) Then — (Turns to Nettleton) 
I slipped her a couple of our digestive pills. I 
waited — with sweat upon my marble brov/. (Puts 
hand to head — and leans on his cane — Johns kicks 



26 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

away the cane — Nettleton shakes his fist at him — 
Tony crosses to l. swinging the cane — then turns) 
In just one quarter of an hour, the pretty Httle 
jack-knife was — a smiUng flower. {Waves his hat 
in triumph) 

Nettleton. (Laughing) Good business, great ! 

(Tony laughs — starts up l.) 

John. {At l. corner of the desk c.) Make a hit 
with Hubby? 

Tony. {Turns down-stage a step) A hit! 
{Comes close to Johns — puts his hat up to his 
mouth to keep Sally from hearing him) Say, for 
the rest of the trip he didn't know which was his 
bride and which was me. Well, I'm off. (Laughs, 
goes up L. and turns at the rail) I'll have him 
wrapped and tagged in twenty minutes. You watch 
little Tony Toler. (Ptits hat on the side of his 
head, waves to them — exits u. l.) 

Johns. (Takes a step or two upstage after 
Tony, then back to front of the desk c.) Snappy 
little fellow, George ; and he's going to make a first 
class partner, 

Nettleton. (Loftily) U'm, yes — and don't 
forget it was / who first employed him. You can't 
take that from me. (Crosses to R. zvith a swagger) 

Johns. And two years ago when you wanted to 
fire him, I made you keep him, and you can't take 
that from me. (Crosses to l.) 

Nettleton. (Turns at door R., glares at Johns) 
You made me ! 

Johns. (At door L.) I did! 

Nettleton. (Opens the door r.) Bah! 

Johns. (Opens the door l.) Bah — bah! (They 
both slam the doors hard at the same time as they 
exit R. and l.) 

Jimmy. (Enters from u. l., comes to above the 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 2.7 

desk to c.) Say, Miss Parker! Lady by de name 
of Cole, waitin', outside. 

Sally. (^Rising) Cole? Mr. Johns' girl. Show 

her in. 

Jimmy. {Grinning) She's some girl, too. 

(Florence Cole enters u. l. Jimmy opens the 
gate for her.) 

Florence. {Going to c. above the desk c, speaks 
to Jimmy as he opens the gate for her) Thank you, 
Jimmy! (Jimmy grins and exits u. l. Florence 
to Sally) Pardon me for interrupting you, but is 
Mrs. Nettleton here? 

Sally. Yes— with Mr. Nettleton^ {Starts down 
R. towards Nettleton's office) Shall 1 tell her 

Florence. {Quickly) No, no, no! Don't inter- 
rupt them— please ! But, would you mind saying to 
Mr. Johns, that Miss Cole is calling? {Smiles at 

Sally) _.. ^ , 

Sally. {Cheerfully) With pleasure, Miss Cole. 
{Goes L., beaming) That's something like it. 
{Taps and enters Johns' office l. as Mrs. Nettle- 
ton enters from R. i, comes on a few steps) 

Florence. {Crosses to Mrs. Nettleton— 
greets her as she goes) Hello, Nell ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. Oh! You found the way, 
did you? 

Florence. I was escorted to the door 

Mrs. Nettleton. By Mr. Vanderbolt? 
Sally. {Enters from l. i, goes to the type-desk 
and sits— speaks as she goes) He'll be here m just 

a moment ! ^^ n -i * 

Florence. {Nods head to Sau.y— Smiles at 
her— puts her hand bog on r. side of the desk c, 
and walks to l. by way of below the desk c— 
Speaks as she goes) Is this the pillery? {Looks 
about) 



28 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Mrs. Nettleton. Yes; this is where they toil 
and slave for us. 

Florence. (Stands l. of the chair l. of the 
table c.) My! And how prosperous they seem to 
be! 

Mrs. Nettleton. Aren't they? But the best 
part of it is they get along so well together. (Sally 
laughs. Mrs. Nettleton looks at her — also Flor- 
ence. They express great surprise. Sally, con- 
scious of their attention, checks herself and types 
vigorously) Most business partners are continu- 
ally having their little differences, but George and 
T, are just like brothers. 

(Sally again laughs — Mrs. Nettleton and Flor- 
ence look at her in annoyance — Sally turns to 
the typewriter and becomes very busy.) 

Florence. (Looking from l. to r.) Where are 
they now — ? Rolling little purple pills ? 

Mrs. Nettleton. Florence ! The idea ! All 
that is done at the factory where George used to be 
before T was in the firm. 

Florence. I thought they went In together. 
(Looks Mrs. Nettleton straight in the eye) 

Mrs. Nettleton. Oh dear no! George was the 
real originator of the business and, naturally, has 
the greater care and responsibility. 

Florence. (In surprise) Has he? Why, I 
judged from T's letters, that most of the labor fell 
on him! 

Mrs. Nettleton. The labor — yes. George does 
the brain work — and gives it to T to carry out. 

(Sally begins to laugh and as Mrs. Nettleton 
and Florence turn, she claps a handkerchief 
to her mouth and runs out u. r. Florence 
rises and follows her to the right end of the 
high desk u. c. Mrs. Nettleton glares — as 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 29 

the laugh dies Florence comes to R. of Mrs. 
Nettleton.) 

Florence. Good gracious ! {Starts i.. above the 
desk c.) What's the matter with her? 

Mrs. Nettleton. I don't know, I'm sure? 

P'lorence. (Apprehensively) Is she — er — T's 
stenographer ? 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Stiffly) No — George's. T 
has just ordered several — of assorted colors — 
(Florence expresses relief) Three darks — two 
Hghts — and one red. 

Florence. (Laughs) I hope he chooses the 
red! 

Mrs. Nettleton. I hope for your sake she'll 
prove less humorous than that. (Crosses to r., 
knocks on the door — opens slightly — colls. Flor- 
ence crosses to l. at the same time) George dear, 
hurry, won't you ? I'm waiting ! 

Florence. (At the door l.) Did you tell T 
that I was here? You know there are tzvo part- 
ners in this firm ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. I told him when I first came 
in. (Quickly) Oh, Florence, I have a secret — - 
(Beckons to Florence — they both run to c.) But 
don't say I told you! (Indicates Johns' door) 
He's been to Tiffany's — and while he didn't tell 
me — in so many words 

Johns. (Enters from l. Mrs. Nettleton back 
a step — warns Florence, who turns at sound of 
Johns* voice) Why, Florence! (Advances joy- 
ously) 

Florence. (Crosses to Johns) T! How are 
you? (Florence and Johns catch hands and 
szving about, landing Florence to l. of him) 

JoiiNS. (Beams on her) Well, bless your heart? 
What bully good wind brings you down from Al- 
bany? 



30 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Florence. Shopping. Came down on a flying 
trip, swooped upon Nellie, and trotted her along. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Crosses to Johns) And I 
found I didn't have a cent of money in my purse, 
so I had to come here before going shopping. 

Johns. And I'm grateful to any cause that 
brings two such charming ladies to my humble 
door — (They all start off u i. Johns between 
thefiir—he takes them by the amis — Florence is up- 
stage of him and Nellie down-stage. Nettleton 
enters from R. i, and stands frozvning at the pic- 
ttire) Enter! 

Nettleton. (Gruffly) H'm — Anybody going 
to speak to mef (At the sound of Nettleton's 
voice all turn) 

Florence. (Crosses to Nettleton with little 
laugh of pleasure) Ofi! Of course, how are you, 
George? (George smiles, shakes hands with Flor- 
ence; Johns is not particularly pleased — Florence 
then goes above the desk c. to l. to Johns) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Crosses quickly to Mr. Net- 
tleton) I'll speak to you. I forgot to tell you — 
(As he looks at her in surprise) I want some shop- 
ping money — 

Nettleton. (Makes face — ^Johns and Flor- 
ence smile) A novel idea. 

Mrs. Nettleton. If you haven't the cash, I'll 
take a check. 

Johns. Oh, Nellie! If you and Florence can 
wait for half an hour, I'd like to have you lunch 
with me. 

(Nettleton registers and turns away.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. Thank you, T, but we haven't 
the time. Besides, I hardly think I ought to lunch 
with you. (Goes to front of the desk c ) 

Johns. No ? 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 31 

Florence. Why not? {Looks from one to the 
other — smiles) 

Mrs. Nettleton. You haven't been up to din- 
ner for nearly a month — has he, George ? 

Nettleton. Huh! {Walks up-stag e r. Flor- 
ence and Mrs. Nettleton register) 

Florence. Why, T. 

Johns. {Stealing glance at Nettleton to note 
effect) Er — I've been frightfully busy of late. 
George has only the manufacturing end of it and 
the principal and more important part of the busi- 
ness falls on me, 

Nettleton. {Comes quickly down r., shouts in 
spite of himself) What's that? 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Speaking at the same time) 
What? 

Johns. (Enjoying it — speaks to Mrs. Nettle- 
ton — while George stands glaring at Johns and 
controlling himself with great difficulty) I mean 
that every firm has got to carry some dead wood. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Looks at Johns in surprise 
— Nettleton nearly chokes) George dear ! What 
is it? 

Nettleton. (Goes swiftly to Mrs. Nettleton, 
puts his arm about her waist and starts her to R., 
strives to hide his rage) Er — Nellie! Come into 
my office, will you, I'll draw that check! {Takes 
Mrs. Nettleton as far as the door r. i) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {As she is taken to the door) 
But, darling, what is it ? 

Nettleton. {Opening the door r. I, Mrs. Net- 
tleton stepping in a bit and turning to hear what 
is said. Nettleton glares at Johns and speaks in 
angry sarcasm) Nothing! Only — I'm afraid of 
taking up more of Napoleon's valuable time. 

(Mrs. Nettleton looks at Nettleton in surprise 
and exits — quickly R. i. Nettleton follows 
and slams the door) 



32 A PAIR OF SIXES. 



Florence. (Crosses to r. not knowing just how 
to take the outburst, Johns laughs) My goodness I 
What's the matter with him ? 

Johns. (Laughing and crossing to front of the 
desk c.) Liver I guess, needs a couple of his own 
pills. (Change of tone) But look here! Surely 
you aren't going back to Albany to-night ? 

Florence. (Goes to Johns — smiles up at him) 
Oh, but I must. Father's av/ay and Mother is quite 
alone. (Looking at him sideways) Besides, you 
are not particularly glad to see me. 

Johns. (Very serious) I'm not! — why not? 

Florence. (Faces Jiim-^wags finger at him) 
Because when I came to see you — especially — it 
took you just four whole minutes to come out of 
your cubby hole. I expected you to jump. (Pre- 
tends to pout) 

Johns. (Smiles) Aha! But I had a reason! 
(Florence sits on the r. Me of the desk c.) I 
was digging in my safe for this! (Looks for it — 
has trouble finding same) 

Florence. (Delighted) Oh well, if it's nice, 
I'll forgive you. \Vhat is it? (Johns finds the 
ring. He holds up the ring, she takes it and holds 
it up to admire) Oh! A ring! Two diamonds 
and a ruby I It's perfectly exquisite! Who's it 
for? (Begins to fake off her glove rapidly) 

Johns. (Earnestly, puts hands on the desk, leans 
close to Florence) For the finest, joUiest, loveli- 
est, most beautiful, most perfect, little scout be- 
tween Iceland and the Panama canal ; for the great- 
est most glorious, most. ... 

Florence. (Raises hand to stop him — laughs) 
Hold on, T! There's only one like that!! (Holds 
up her finger and smiles at him) Slip it on — with 
a wish, darling, with a wish. 

Johns. All right! (Posing ring with left hand 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 33 

and catches Florence's hand with his right) I 
wish . . . (Johns feels the ring on Florence's 
finger — turns and looks at her) Hello, what's that 
ring? 

Florence. {Fencing) Oh, that ring? 

Johns. Yes, that one around your finger. 

Florence. {Smiles her sweetest) That's mine! 

Johns. {Real serious) Yes, I know — but who 
gave it to you — Mr. Vanderholt? {Puts hands in 
pockets, takes a few steps left, turns) 

Florence. {Laughing) Your lawyer? Why? 
T, don't you know if I had had a love affair with a 
lawyer, that he would have had the ring, not I? 
Are you satisfied? {She smiles and Johns, after a 
second he smiles at her then they both, laugh 
lightly) 

Johns. Perfectly. {Goes to the desk, sits by 
Florence — puts tJie ring on her fmgcr — kisses her 
on the Jiand) What do I get for mine? 

Florence. {Coyly edges up to him until she 
presses close to him before she speaks) It depends 
upon what you want. (Johns puts his arms about 
her and squeezes her) Oh don't ! You mustn't 
kiss me here! {Looks about in alarm) Somebody 
might come in--don't ! 

Johns. {Springs up from the desk, catches 
Florence by the wrist and pidls her to l. stage) 
Then come in here — my office ! 

Florence. {Hanging back — pleadingly) Oh no 
— no ! That would seem so cold blooded ! 

Johns. It won't be when you get it! 

Florence. No, maybe not, but — {Looks quickly 
about — wakes up her mind and turns back to 
Johns. Jimmy enters from up r. ivith some papers, 
starts slowly to l.) I think I'll risk it here— quick! 
(Johns takes her in his arms and gives her a kiss. 
They hold the picture — until Jim^iy, who on sud- 
denly seeing what is going on — bolts out the door 



34 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 



u. R., banging same violently — Florence and Johns 
jump and release each other — Florence goes up- 
stage a few steps. Looks in the direction of the 
sound — Johns looks guiltily) What was that? 

Johns. (Breathlessly — frightened tone) I don't 
know — I guess it was my heart turning a double 
somersault ! (Starts quickly to Florence) Come 
on! Make it do it again 1 (He runs after Flor- 
ence, who eludes him, running to r. back of the 
desk c, holds out her hands to ward him off — when 
she gets to R. of the chair of the desk c. she stops — 
puts up her hands and in a tone that Johns recog- 
nizes as meaning business — speaks — and Johns 
stops in his pursuit of her) Oh no, I prefer it 
right side upl No, no, I mean it — (Looking at the 
pill boxes on the desk c.) My, what prettily col- 
ored boxes! (Sits r. of the desk c, picks up a box 
of pills from the desk) 

Johns. (Holds up a box of pills which he gets 
from the desk c.) Aha! The secret of the firm's 
success. That color mine. (As Florence turns to 
him inquiringly) George was in business first, but 
the pill he was putting up tasted so — er simply vil- 
lainous, that the public said it would be — (Stops 
himself just in time) 

PYorence. (Smiles up at Johns, who stands 
above the desk c.) Go on— say it — that's one half 
of matrimony. What's in the pills ? 

Johns. Eh? 

Florence. What are they? 

Johns. (Looks knowingly at Florence — laughs 
— Florence smiles inquiringly — Johns gives an- 
other little laugh) What are they — what are they 
not? (Johns motions Florence to pay close atten- 
tion) Cincona, colchicum, (As Johns mentions the 
different names, he makes a face to show how aw- 
ful they taste — each one in the order he names 
them, being worse than the preceding — Florence 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 35 

makes face in sympathy with Johns) aloes, asa- 
fedita, strychnine, sodium and a compound of rari- 
fied peptinoids 

Florence. (Makes face and laughs) Waugh! 

Johns. (Nods — waves the box of pills) Ex- 
actly. Then I came along and corrected it. In- 
vented a sugar coating to take off the curse — and 
colored it with violet — (Opens the box, shows her 
the pills) Look! The present most fashionable 
tint. My work, my art) (Strikes a pose — and 
looks at her for approval — she laughs and nods to 
him) 

Florence. (Mock tragic) Do children cr^- for 
them? 

Johns. (Imitates tone) They howl! (Indi- 
cates the box) In its present perfected state it is 
known as the little pill that fills the bill. (Takes 
several boxes from the tray on the desk c. and ex- 
tends towards her) Take some along, won't you? 

Florence. (lumps to her feet — moves a few 
feet r. and faces him) No — no — no thank you! I 
still have you to live for. (They both laugh 
heartily) Is this where your genius germinates? 
(Crosses to l.) 

Johns. (Following Florence and. crossing back 
of her to the door L., holds it open, motions her in) 
The official cubby, walk in. (As Florence passes 
in) This side of the office represents the brains 
and blood. . . . (Jerking thumb over shoulder) 
(Nettleton and Mrs. Nettleton e7tfer) That 
side the bone and fat! (Exits info office l. i) 

Nettleton. (Crossing to l. m rage, goes up l. 
and back to l. of the desk c, speaking as he goes) 
You hear that, Nellie! You hear that? He's the 
brains and blood ! and I'm the bone and fat ! Agh ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Coming to front of the desk 
C.) Now, dear — don't ! Perhaps he's only joking. 

Nettleton. (Fiercely) Joking — Joking? 



36 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

{Shakes his fngcr at Mrs. Nettleton) I tell you, 
Nellie, he's doing it all the time! Continually 
knocking my splendid work and praising his own 
childish eitorts to the skies. What's he done for 
the business, anyway ? Nothing. {Pounds the desk 
in accompaniment) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Trying to pacify him — soft 
tone — taking up one of the pill boxes from the 
desk c.) Yes, dear, of course . . . but still, you 
must admit, that the violet coloring is beautiful. 
{Tosses the box back in the fray) 

Nettleton. {Crosses to r., speaks as he goes — 
Sarcastically) Beautiful 1 So is m^y bull pup but 
that's not his work, thank God. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Following as far as r. side 
of the desk c, speaks soothingly) Now darling, 
don't, it will never do for such old friends to quar- 
rel. T has been like a member of the family for 
years. Of course we all have our little weaknesses, 
but yovt don't seem to realize that sometimes he may 
be right and you wrong. 

Nettleton. {Throws up his hands) That*s 
right ! Take up for him ! Run me down ! I'm only 
your husband. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Reproachfully, as she sits r. 
of desk c. ) George ! 

Nettleton. {Storms to above the desk c.) I 
tell you, Nellie, when a man's business troubles get 
into his home — it's just about time to quit. 
{Sternly) Hereafter, you keep out of it! 

Mrs. Nettleton. Oh well, if you take that 
tone I'm rather sorry I came to see you. (Mrs. 
Nettleton rises, takes a step r. at the same time 
Nettleton, who has been holding the check in his 
hand starts to put same in his inside coat pocket — 
Mrs. Nettleton sees the attempt and quickly 
snatches the check from him — folds it and puts it 
in her purse — as she goes r.) Give me my check, 
that's all I came for, anyhow. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 37 

Nettleton. {Registers his discomfiture — 
Krome enters from u. r. with some papers which he 
puts in the file u. r. Nettleton shouts to him) 
Krome! (Krome takes a step forward all atten- 
tion) You tell that — {Points to Johns' office — 
Florence and Johns enter — Nettleton glares at 
Johns, speaks sarcastically) Never mind — there it 
isl 

(Krome gives a frightened nod and exits quickly 

up R.) 

Florence. {As Mrs. Nettleton starts to l. to 
Johns — she goes above table c. to George down r., 
speaks to Nellie, as she starts to go) Goin?, 
Nellie? 

Mrs. Nettleton. {As she crosses to Johns — 
speaks sarcastically) Yes. We are in the way — of 
business! {Affably to Johns) Good-bve T. 
Come up soon — to dinner — won't you? {Shakes 
hands with Johns) 

Johns. {Grinning) I will — the very' first time 
George invites me. 

Nettleton. {Scowling at Johns) Huh! 
{Turns his back) 

Mrs. Nettleton. Now don't you wait for him. 
Come to see me, good-bye! (Mrs. Nettleton and 
Johns move up to the rail u. i. Johns opens it and 
Mrs. Nettleton steps outside and opens the out- 
side door and stands talking zuith Johns) 

Florence. {Picks up her purse from the desk c. 
then shakes hands with Nettleton) Good-bye, 
George ! I'm so glad to find you both so prosperous 
—and happy ! 

Nettleton. {Smiles to Florence — then aside) 
Happy! {To Florence) Good-bye! 

Florence. {Runs lightly up to the rail u. L. to 
Johns) Good-bye, T. 



38 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Johns. (Opens rail gate for Florence arid she 
steps just outside and turns to him) Good-bye, 
Florence, I'll run up to Albany just as soon as I can 
trust George with the — er — critical affairs of busi- 
ness. 

(Nettleton and Mrs. Nettleton register.) 

Florence. Yes, do — and make it soon. Good- 
bye! (Holds up the hand with the ring and Johns 
kisses it — then Florence crosses, Mrs. Nettleton 
exits u. I, calling good-bye — Mrs. Nettleton fol- 
lows — closing the door after her — Johns waves 
good-bye) 

(Sally enters from v. r., goes to type desk; sits.) 

Johns. (Hums gleeftdly, goes to Nettleton, 
does a dance step as he crosses — as he reaches Net- 
tleton — pidls his vest up and down) Zit-Zit! 
(Nettleton, whose nerves are on edge, jumps — • 
Johns laughs heartily and skips to l.) 

Nettleton. (Follows Johns as far as center — 
shakes his finger at him, speaks in anger and sar- 
casm) Hold on there, Mr. Blood and Brains, the 
Bone and Fat are going to tell you something. 

Johns. (Smiling — takes a step to Nettleton) 
Yes? Pray do. 

Nettleton. (Close to Johns) I heard you, 
why did you make that statement to Miss Cole? 

Johns. (Airily, with an irritating smile) From 
an inborn sense of justice and a love of truth. 

Nettleton. Truth, hell! And I'll tell you this 
— if you wait for an invitation to my house, you'll 
be playing music on a harp. (Moves a few steps 

R.) 

Johns. And when I do come, you'll be attending 
to business for once — with a pitch fork! (Few 
steps L.) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 39 

Nettleton. Well, I'll attend to business now. 
IVe stood for you long enough and I'm going to 
dissolve this disgusting partnership, to-day! 

(Krome enters u. R., comes down-stage as far as 
the type desk — takes some papers from same.) 

Johns. All right, that suits me! 

Nettleton. Krome ! 

Krome. Yes sir. 

Nettleton. Call up my lawyer, ask him to 
come over— right away ! 

Krome. Yes sir. 

Johns. Krome — you can say to my attorney — 
that I'm just as anxious to see him as Mr. Nettle- 
ton is. 

Krome. Yes sir! {Goes to the phone on the 
high desk u. c, takes off the receiver) 

Nettleton. {At the door r., holds same slightly 
open) Nut ! 

Johns. {At the open door l.) Mut! 

Nettleton. What ! 

Johns. {With gesture) Tut — tut! 

(Nettleton and Johns go into their offices r. and 
L., slam the doors hard — Sally and Krome 
jump. ) 

Krome. {At phone) Hello! 2480 Rector! 

Sally. {At typewriter) Say, Charlie! 

Krome. Yes? 

Sally. This place reminds me of the man who 
had both hands cut off. 

Krome. Well? 

Sally. {Dryly — as she uses the rubber on a 
sheet of type paper) And then he got the hives. 

Krome" {Laughs heartily. Then in phone) 
Hello! That you, Mr. Vanderholt? Krome speak- 



40 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

ing. Yes sir. Mr. Johns and Mr. Nettleton would 
like you to come right away, sir. {Slight pause) 
All right, sir. Thank you. Good-bye. {Hangs up 
the receiver — sighs, walks down to the desk d. l., 
speaking as he goes) I guess this is the finish for 
us. Miss Sally. 

Tony. {Enters from u. l. followed by Mr. Ap- 
plegate, he goes to l. of the desk c. Mr. Apple- 
gate comes to l. of him) Right this way, Mr. Ap- 
plegatel {Indicates Is.kom'e) Our bookkeeper, Mr. 
Krome. (Applegate and Krome bow) Miss 
Parker, kindly announce Mr. Applegate. (Krome 
exits quickly l. i, and Sally r. i. Tony pushes 
chair l. of the desk c, towards Mr. Applegate) 
Have a seat! (Applegate bows his thanks) I 
want you to meet the members of my firm, a team ! 
The finest pair that ever pushed a pill ! 

Applegate. {Puts silk hat on the desk c.) 
Thank you, Mr. Toler, it will be a pleasure. A per- 
fect partnership, Mr. Toler, should. run v/ith the 
same degree of order and lack of friction — as the 
home affairs of a happily married couple. {Has 
taken off his gloves and tosses them in his hat) 

Tony. {Grinning) Yes. That's what we have 
here — just one long honeymoon. {As Johns en- 
ters from L. follozved by Krome, who stands in the 
doorway l. i. Tony crosses back of Applegate to 
Johns) Mr. Johns, I have the honor to intro- 
duce 

Johns. {Pushing Tony hack and advancing 
with out-stretched hand to Applegate) Ah! Mr. 
Applegate. (Tony retreats a few steps up-stag e in 
hurt astonishment) This is, indeed, a pleasure. 
Johns is my name and. . . . {As Nettleton enters 
from R. followed by Sally, who goes to the type 
desk and sits and watches proceedings — Johns 
crosses in front of Applegate to Nettleton — zvho 
stands looking on — Johns slaps Nettleton on the. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 41 

hack and when Nettleton resents it — makes faces 
at him, trying to make him understand that for ap- 
pearances, they must for the moment bury their 
differences. He pushes Nettleton forward to 
Applegate, who drops down-stage a step and 
shakes hands with Nettleton ; Tony, Sally and 
Krome register) Oh come in, George! Mr. Ap- 
plegate, permit me to present my esteemed partner, 
Mr. Nettleton. 

Applegate. Well, well, well, — I am flattered, in 
fact 

Nettleton. Have a seat, sir. 

(Applegate takes a step l. Johns crosses to choir 
l. of the desk c. Makes the cross in hack of 
Nettleton and Applegate; as Nettleton 
starts for it heats him to it — pushes toward 
Applegate — Nettleton glares at him — Tony 
rushes forward to assist Johns, pushes him 
hack. He goes to l. of the high stool by the 
high desk — Jimmy enters from u. R., puts some 
papers on the high desk, Applegate sits.) 

Johns. Yes do! 

Applegate. Thank you — thank you. 

Nettleton. {To Applegate) Pardon me. 
(r<9 Jimmy) Jimmy! {Jim-my runs to him) My 
cigars, and pick up your feet! 

Jimmy. Yes sir! (Exits r., picking up his feet 
in an exaggerated w.anner — Sally sticks her hand- 
kerchief in her mouth) 

Johns. Don't trouble, George, mine are nearer. 
{Turns to Krome, speaks sharply) Krome, get my 
cigars, my private box I (Krome exits quickly l.) 

Nettleton. No trouble, dear old chap; none in 
the wide, wide, world. (Jimmy enters from r. with 
box of cigars, lifts feet high, goes to Nettleton, 
who snatches the box from him as soon as he 



42 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

comes in reach — opens it and holds it out to Apple- 
gate) Ah, here we are ! Have a cigar, sir ! ( Ap- 
PLEGATE takes a cigar from the box and puts same 
in his mouth — Nettleton does same then gives the 
box back to Jimmy, who exits r. still lifting his 
feet high to the amusement of Sally. Krome en- 
ters from L. at this point — ^Johns takes the box of 
cigars from him) 

Johns. Pardon me — {He snatches the cigar 
from the mouth of Applegate and throws it on the 
floor, then holds his cigar box out to him — open. 
Applegate struggles to hide his feelings and selects 
a cigar and puts it in his mouth — everyone gazes at 
Johns in astonishment — Johns then takes a cigar 
for himself — also a box of matches {that must be 
in the cigar box), these he puts in his left hand — 
then hands the cigar box back to Krome, who puts 
same on the desk L. and goes up to l. of the high 
stool by the high desk — Tony at the same time mov- 
hig to R. of the high stool) I think you will find 
the flavor of these a trifle more agreeable. Tobacco 
is the one point on which Nettleton and I can never 
quite agree. 

Nettleton. (Nettleton takes a match from 
the stand on desk c, lights ii and puts it to Apple- 
gate's cigar. Applegate rises at the same time 
Johns lights match and he pretends help light the 
cigar and burns Nettleton — who springs back 
with a cry of pain) Ouch ! (Nettleton sticks his 
hand in his mouth to ease the pain — Applegate 
fails to notice the incident and gets a light from 
Johns' match — Johns gloats over the trick, lights 
his own cigar) 

Applegate. Thank you; I was about to say, 
gentlemen, that my time is limited. Let's get down 
to business. (Applegate sits l. of the desk c. 
Johns goes above the desk) 

Nettleton. {Delighted) Happy to serve you, 
Mr. Applegate. {Sits r. of the desk c.) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 43 

Johns. In any capacity. (Sits above the desk 

c.) 

Applegate. Good! It is a pleasure, I assure 
you, to transact business with two such enterpris- 
ing young men. (Tony and Sally exchange looks 
■ — Johns and Nettleton rise, bow to Applegate 
very elaborately — then make faces at each other 
and sit) Your harmony of method appeals especi- 
ally to me — a newly married man. (Leans back in 
his seat and beams on them) 

Nettleton. (Rising) What ! 

Johns. (Rising at the same time — Both Nettle- 
ton and Johns extend their hands to Applegate) 
You? Congratulations ! 

|( Applegate rises smilingly; Nettleton steps for- 
ward and is about to grasp his hand when 
Johns leans over the desk and catches it and 
pulls Applegate tozuard him — Applegate does 
an undignified fall on top of the desk — re- 
covers himself, smiles and shakes hands with 
Johns — Nettleton takes a few steps r., turns 
and glares at Johns. All the other characters 
register.) 

Nettleton. (Strides forward and succeeds in 
getting Applegate's hand which he shakes warmly 
— glaring at Johns, who smiles) To you and to 
the lady. I have a very charming wife myself. 

Johns. And / am about to have one. (He gets 
Applegate's hand again much to Nettleron's an- 
noyance and shakes it) 

Applegate. (Beams) Delightful ! All three in 
the same connubial boat. (The three sit — sigh and 
puff) Vm interested in your remedy, through your 
very bright young salesman, Mr. Toler. (Indicates 
Tony with a wave of the hand) 

Tony. (Who has been waiting for a chance to 



44 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

butt in. With great spirit) Ah, thank you, sir. 
(Advances rapidly, bringing chair from r. of the 
high desk with him and plants himself between 
Johns and Nettleton — talks fast and waves his 
arms excitedly) Now, gentlemen, if I may dip in 
my Httle paddle 

(Johns waves him away — Nettleton looks coldly 
at him.) 

Nettleton. Not just now, Tony. 

Johns. Don't come into the firm too soon. 

(Tony's face drops — he rises and walks upstage, 
puts chair back where he got it, pantomimes his 
disgust to Sally.) 

Applegate. (Briskly) The Northwestern is 
going to carry your line of goods, give me a blank 
and I'll sign our first Spring order for — (Pauses — 
everyone looks anxious) well, say — fifty thousand 
gross. . . . 

Nettleton. (Swallows) Er — thank 3^ou, Mr. 
Applegate. 

Johns. (Swallowing) Er — very much, indeed ! 

Applegate. No ! No thanks to m.e — the west is 
growing and it needs a good sound energetic pill. 
(Emphasises his remark with a sound slap on the 
desk, Johns coughs) 

Nettleton. (Springs to his feet) Krome! 

Krome. (Alert) Yes, sir. 

Johns. (Beating Nettleton to it) An order 
blank. 

(Krome goes to the desk d. l., and gets the order- 
book — Tony runs after him, takes it from him 
and tosses it on the desk in front of Johns. 
Tony and Krome then return to their places.) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 45 

Nettleton. {Glaring at Johns and frying to 
speak in a pleasant voice for Applegate's benefit) 
No, no T — let me. . 

Johns. (Holding tightly to the book which 
Tony has thrown on the desk — rises) Sit down 
and take the weight off your feet. 

Nettleton. Oh, just as you prefer, of course! 
(He sits—T sits and begins to fill in the blank for 
Applegate to sign) 

Applegate. (To Nettleton) No wonder you 
two have made such a great success. 

Nettleton. Thank you. (Rises) And while 
we are waiting, I'd like to show you what / have 
done to perfect this pill. The ingredients are mine. 
(Johns hands the order blank to Applegate and 
tries to take his attention azvay from Nettleton) 
A marvelous combination of effective, though non- 
injurious drugs; and the answer is in our sales. 
(Takes a step or two R.—and swells np) Krome, 
give me the order book and report of our last fiscal 
year showing sales for the East and South. 

Johns. (Rises— goes down-stage to l. of Ap- 
plegate) And I'd like to call your attention to the 
color of these pills. My idea. (Nettleton goes 
above the desk c, slams chair dozvn to try to take 
Applegate's attention azvay from. Johns) The 
coating is made from the best refined beat sugar, 
and this fashionable violet dye has defied the perse- 
cutions of the pure drug law. 

Johns. (Nettleton takes up the seal on the 
'desk c, bangs it. Applegate nods approval and ex- 
amines the pills that Johns hands him) The enor- 
mous sales, due almost exclusively to the outside of 
this pill— (Nettleton bangs a bottle of paste on 

the desk) . 

Nettleton. {Interrupting — raises his voice over 
Johns) Yes, ves, oM fellov/; but t'le selling qual- 
ity is on the inside. (Krome comes down from the 



46 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

high desk with ledger open at page zvhich has been 
typed with the figures Nettleton has to quote — 
Nettleton taking the hook and putting it on the 
desk) Here we are! Account of sales for year 
ending November 30, 1912; one hundred and forty- 
three thousand gross — {Glancing triitmphantly at 

Applegate) Counting fifty pills to the box 

Johns. Ffty-one! 

(Applegate looks inquiringly at him and then back 
to Nettleton.) 

Nettleton. (Looking fiercely at Johns, in a 
stern voice continues) Counting fifty pills to the 
box — {Looks down at the book to find his place) 

Johns. {Taps Applegate slyly on the shoidder, 
gets his attention, holds his hand at his side and 
sticks out one finger — speaks in a loud whisper) 
Fifty-one ! 

(Applegate nods wisely.) 

Nettleton. We have a total of ten hundred and 
twenty-nine millions six hundred and tvv^enty thou- 
sand opportunities for a sound digestion — that / 
have offered to the South and East alone. 

Johns. {Sharply) You have? 

Nettleton. {Gives Krome the book — Krome 
takes it and puts it hack in place and stands in 
former position) Yes, I ! Mr. Applegate is inter- 
ested in the ingredients of my pill ! 

Johns. {Coming to Applegate's side) And 
Mr. Applegate as a business man and a druggist 
knows perfectly well that the success of any patent 
medicine depends first on its advertising, {Gives 
Applegate a violent slap on the hack to emphasize 
his remarks — Applegate chokes) and next on its 
pleasing taste or form. {Gives Applegate hard 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 47 

slap on the hack — the pills Applegate has been 
looking at fly in the air from the force of the slap — 
Applegate chokes again) 

Nettleton. {Comes to front of the desk c, 
stands just R. of Applegate — yells at Johns) 
Nothing of the sort and you know it! {Slaps his 
hands at Johns and nearly hits Applegate in the 
nose — Applegate terrified at the proceedings, is 
leaning as far t?ack in the chair as possible — with 
one hand {right) holding on to the corner of the 
desk to keep from falling — and dodging his head 
hack as partners swing and slap hands in front of 
him ) 

Tony. {In great alarm, rushes down R.) Mr. 
Johns! Mr. Nettleton I 

Nettleton. (Waves Tony away — Tony goes 
to front of the stool by high desk) Tony, you keep 
out of this ! 

Applegate. Gentlemen, I didn't come here to — • 
{Starts to rise) 

Johns. (In the heat of the argument has for- 
gotten all else — gives Applegate a push back in the 
chair — nearly knocking him over) You keep out, 
too ! The public doesn't give a hang for the inside 
of your pill — (Johns is almost yelling — he is mo- 
tioning at Nettleton in front of Applegate — and 
slaps his hands, and the ash from his ( Applegate's) 
cigar, hits Applegate in the face) 

Nettleton. {Coining bock strong) The public 
does ! As shown by the approval of every reputable 
doctor. {Slaps hands at Johns in front of Apple- 
gate's face. Applegate dodges it nicely) 

Johns. Huh! What reputable doctor ever pre- 
scribed yours F 

Nettleton. Bah! Do doctors prescribe your 
purple coloring? (Nettleton brings his hand 
dozun on the desk near Applegate's hand, zvith all 
his might. Applegate with a cry of pain jerks his 



48 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

hand away from the desk — Nettleton, unconscious 
of what he has done, struts to r. and turns glaring 
at Johns. (The effect is found best — whe7i the 
desk is hit instead of Applegate's hand) 

Johns. (Yelling) They do! They are even 
giving X-ray violet baths ! (Johns raises his foot 
high and brings it down with a bang just ijt front of 
Applegate's foot — then goes to r. edge of the desk 
c, puffs his cigar and glares at Nettleton — Ap- 
PLEGATE, with shriek of pain and rage — springs to 
his feet and hops on one foot to Krome, who at 
this point has run down-stage l. and stands terrified 
— Sally rwns up r.) 

Applegate. {Hanging on to his injured foot 
with both hands and standing as well as he can on 
one foot — to Krome in a voice of fury) What are 
they? Humorists — or just plain bugs. 

Nettleton. Johns, you are talking like a fool, 
{Goes to front of the desk c.) and if Mr. Applegate 
will come into my office— 

(Johns goes above the desk c. Tony takes up his 
hat and stick.) 

■ Applegate. {Makes frantic dive for his hat and 
gloves, goes upstage with same — holding the order 
still in his right hand) No, Mr. Nettleton, I don't 
believe Td care to. 

Johns. {Takes up the box of pills from the 
desk c. — extends them towards Applegate) But, 
Mr. Applegate 

Applegate. {Checking him with a gesture) 
No, Mr. Johns, your sugar coating doesn't appeal to 
me, either. {Looks the partners up and down) 
What my firm wants is a pill that will give the 
human stomach a good, square, honest deal. But 
in this office — the cause of indigestion — seems 
rather stronger than the cure. Good-morning, gen- 
tlemen. {Starts off u. l.) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 49 

Tony. {Desperately, in one last appeal) But, 
Mister Applegate ! {Starts toward him — takes hat 
and cane) 

Applegate. {Throws order blank at Tony) 
Take your pills yourself and go to the devil. {Exit 
u. L.) 

Tony. {Furious — goes to above the desk c, 
bangs it and shakes his fist at the partners) Say, 
you tv/o damn fools — you don't need a salesman — 
you want a wet nurse! {Exit u. l.) 

(Krome goes quickly to the high desk.) 

Nettleton. (Runs up to the gate u. L., calls 
after Tony) Get out of here ; you're fired ! 

Tony. {Off-stage) Fired, huh! Mr. Apple- 
gate ! 

(Nettleton and Johns walk around the desk c, 
glaring at each other, ^intil Johns is l. of desk 
and Nettleton r. of seme.) 

Nettleton and Johns. {As they circle the 
desk) Ah— Ah— Ah! {Point fingers ct each 
other) 

Johns. {Sneeringly) Now, you've done it! 
Lost the best salesman in Am.erica and killed the 
biggest order v/e nearly ever had. {Smiles ct his 
joke) 

Nettleton. {Beside himself with rage) I 
didn't kill the order. You did it yourself when you 
tried to hog the credit of my pill ! 

Johns. {In a voice of thunder) It isn't so, he 
v/as my customer. I got him first and had him 
going. 

Nettleton. {Throwing his hands in the air in 
helpless rage) And now you've got him gone! 
{Crosses to r.) 



50 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Johns. And v/h}^? Because you butt in and 
queered the sale when I had the order signed! 

Nettleton. (A very forced laugh) Huh — 
Huh — Then I'm glad you lost it ! 

Johns. And you are perfectly willing to smash 
the business and choke the profits of the firm on 
account of your own piggish jealousy ! (Change of 
tone to one of self sympathy) It isn't fair to me or 
my children! 

Nettleton. (In contempt) Your children? 
Why you fat head, you're not even married. 

Johns. No, but I expect to be ! Fm looking to 
the future, (Pathetically) and when I think of those 
poor little things, crying for food — starving on your 
account — it makes me wild! (Few steps l.) 

Nettleton. (Striding tozuards him angrily) 
See here, Mr. Brains and Blood, that's just about 
enough ! Another remark or two like that and we'll 
make the matter personal. 

Johns. (Close to Nettleton) All right, Mr. 
Bone and Fat — Fm with you ! 

Nettleton. IVith me — that's the trouble! As 
soon as my lawyer comes and I get rid of you, Fm 
going to sit down and laugh! (Laughs loud and 
long. Goes to the door r. i) 

Johns. And when I get rid of you, Vm going to 
set off fire-works ! 

Nettleton. Bah ! 

Johns. (Crossing to door l. i) Skyrockets? 

Nettleton. (Each time a trifle louder) Bah! 

Johns. (Louder) Pin wheels! 

Nettleton. Bah ! 

Johns. (Pointing at Nettleton and shouting) 
Devil chasers! 

Nettleton. (Tops Johns) Bah! 

(Nettleton and Johns exit r. and L., slamming 
the doors as hard as possible.) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 51 

Sally. {Rises) Say, Charlie, if I want to keep 
this job, 1*11 have to lead a double life. 
Krome. Here's Mr. Vanderholt now! 

(Krome goes down to the office door l. i.) 

Vanderholt. (Enters quickly from u. L., comes 
to above the desk c.) Good-morning, Krome, 
Good-morning, Miss Parker. (Krome and Sally 
nod, Vanderholt puts his derby hat on the desk c. ) 

Krome. (Nervously, in a loud whisper— points 
at the doors r. and l.) Oh, Mr. Vanderholt — 
you're just in time. 

Vanderholt. {As he takes off gloves and 
smiles at the concern written on the faces of Sally 
and Krome, speaks in brisk, business-like manner) 
Well? What's the trouble, same old fight? 

Krome. (Earnestly) Yes, sir; but this time it's 
to a finish. 

Vanderholt. E'm — bad as that, eh? 

Krome. It's worse ! They want you to dissolve 
their partnership and let this fine, big money-mak- 
ing business go to smash. 

Sally. And we don't want to lose our positions. 

Vanderholt. Don't worry about your positions, 
just have them out and we'll settle this thing for 
good and all. {Tosses gloves in hat) 

Krome, (Shakes head doubtfully) But you 
won't, sir. 

Sally. Indeed you won't. 

Krome. It's gone too far, you can't smooth it 
over this time, or if you do you've got to give them 
something with a punch behind it. 

Sally. Or a kick. 

Vanderholt. All right, I will. Now get them 
out! (Vanderholt goes up to the high desk, puts 
his hat and gloves on same) 

Krome and Sally. {Going quickly to the doors 



52 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

R. and L. — knocking hard, speak together) Mr. 
Vanderholt is here, sir. (Krome goes to the high 
desk — Sally runs to the type desk and sits) 

Vanderholt. Thank you — both of you. Now 
leave the whole case to me! (Vanderholt comes 
down l. to front of the desk c.) 

Nettleton. (Rushes on from r. to Vander- 
holt) Hello, Van ! 

Johns. Hello, Van! (Rushes on from l. to 
Vanderholt) 

Vanderholt. Hello, boys, how are you ? 

Nettleton. (Advancing and catching hold of 
Vanderholt and trying to pidl him into the office 
R. ) I'm the one who sent for you ! 

Johns. (Advancing and catching Vanderholt 
on the opposite side — tries to pull him to the offixe 
L.) And so am I. 

Nettleton and Johns. (Together both try to 
pull him to their office) Come into my office, will 
you? 

Vanderholt. (Finally shaking tJiem off after 
they have pidled him about a bit) Hold on ! Hold 
on ! This is one of the times that T'll have to take 
you both together. (Moves swiftly to above the 
desk c, speaks sharply to the partners) Come on 
now — come on and sit down ! (Partners look at 
Vanderholt, then at each other and move slozvly 
to the desk — Nettleton to the chair r. of desk and 
Johns to chair l. of desk, keeping their eyes on 
each other, Nettleton bumps into the desk and 
loses his balance. Johns laughs, Nettleton re- 
covers himself at once and glares around to see if 
any of the office force are laughing at him, Nettle- 
ton catches hold of his chair r. of desk and bangs 
it down hard and sits, Johns slams his chair l. of 
the desk twice and sits down — crosses his right leg 
over his left zvith great cere cud dcli'^rration, fj 
Nettleton's annoyance. At this point Sally rises 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 53 

quickly and drops down r. a few feet and looks in- 
quiringly at Vanderholt) Er— what is it. Miss 
Parker? 

Sally. Excuse me, but would you like me to go 
out for a while? 

Johns. Yes, please. 

Nettleton. {Quickly) No — sta}^ where you 
are. {To Vanderholt) I want her for my wit- 
ness. . V TVT 1, J 

Vanderholt. {As Johns rises) Not a bad 
i(jea, T— we may need her. Take a seat. Miss 
Parker. 

(Sally goes quickly to the type desk and sits.) 

Johns. {Sits) All right! If he has a witness, 
then I'll have a witness. {Calling) Kromie! 
Kromie! ^ ^ ^ ^^ . . 

Krome. {Comes dozvn l. of Johns) Yes, sir? 

Johns. Stay right where you are— I want you 
for my witness. . . 

Krome. Yes, sir. (Krome sits m chair— by the 

roll-top desk l.) , 7x ^tt ,i t. 

Vanderholt. {Founds the desk) Well, boys, 
what's the row this time? 

Nettleton. {Shakes finger at Vant^erholt) I 
want to dissolve this partnership— at once. 

Johns. {Sternly, to Vanderholt) And no 
patching up this trip— I want it ripped wide open. 

Vanderholt. {Looking from one to the other 
in half pity) What's the matter with you two ? It's 
a shame you can't get on when you have every 
reason on earth to pull together. 

Nettleton. {Looking at Johns— m^w straight 
in front of him, makes a face) Huh ! 

Johns. {Straight at Nettleton) Huh— huh! 

Vanderholt. {Dubious tone) You mean to 
tell me you are going to let this valuable business go 



54 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

to ruin simply because of your own pig-headedness ? 
You ought to be kicked — the pair of you ! 

Johns. {Threateningly, as he jumps to his feet) 
Now, look here. Van 

Vanderholt. {In a stern voice, eyes Johns 
steadily) Hold on ! I'm talking. 

(Johns looks at Vanderholt a second, then sits.) 

Nettleton. {Snickers, looks sidezvays at 
Johns) Ha — ha 

Vanderholt. {To Nettleton) Sh! (Net- 
tleton becomes quiet at once, Johns grins) 
You've been squabbling and fighting for years and 
trotting to me with your childish differences. I get 
it in my office, and in your office, and on the street, 
and everywhere I see you, till you've just about 
driven me crazy. I've fixed you up and started you 
off at least forty times, and the next day you blow 
up and are at it again. {Change of tone— soft) 
Now — I'm fond of you both — you know that. 

Johns. {Looks at Vanderholt, turns to front 
and mumbles under his breath, Vanderholt and 
Nettleton look at Johns) Um — Um — 

Vanderholt. {Pats Nettleton on the shoul- 
der) Old George has been a sort of running mate 
of mine — 

Johns. {Laughs) Old George is good. 

(Vanderholt smiles, Nettleton glares at Johns, 
Sally and Krome smile stealthily.) 

Vanderholt. {Goes to Johns — rests hand on 
John's shoulder) And as for T — we've both got 
the good taste to admire the same girl — {As Johns 
turns and looks at him suspiciously) But this is 
business and we'll cut the friendsh^^ otTt. Tf vou 
choose to be sensible and settle this thing like 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 55 

rational human beings, I'll help you all I can, but 
you've got to shake hands and make it a final settle- 
ment. {Both partners look at Vanderholt and 
signify their respective intentions by, Johns sitting 
on his hands and Nettleton stuffing his ifi his 
trousers pockets, Vanderholt looks at them in dis- 
gust) Good Lord ! Did either of you fellows ever 
play football? 

Nettleton. No ! 

Johns. Why? 

Vanderholt. (Banging the fable with his fist) 
Team work — that's the way to win out! Team 
work! 

Johns. (Laughing and pointing of Nettleton) 
With tliat mule? (Laughs heartily) 

Nettleton. (Rises, shakes his fist at Johns) 
Who are you calling a mule ? 

Vanderholt. (Pushes the protesting Nettle- 
ton in his chair) Of course, if you won't pull to 
gether — then fight! Knife your own prospects, 
commit a cold-blooded, business suicide — and pay 
me for arranging the funeral decorations. (Johns 
and Nettleton glare at each other sidlenly) Do I 
understand that you are fully determined to dissolve 
this partnership? 

Johns. (With a zvave of the hand) I am. 

Nettleton. (With great emphasis, slaps his 
knee) Ab — so — lutely ! 

Vanderholt. (Sharply) All right — we'll do it. 
Questiton is hozv will we do it? 

Johns and Nettleton. (Snapping af him) 
That's what we are paying you for. 

Vanderholt. (Clasping one hand to his fore- 
head, raises eyes upward) And God knows I'm 
earning my fee. (Change of tone) Now then — 
the simplest and most amicable process is for one 
of you to buy the other out. 

Nettleton. Now you're talking. 



56 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Johns. For the first time since you started. 

Vanderholt. Good! I'm glad you agree on 
sorAetJimg! Next question — Which of you will 
sell ; how about you, George ? 

Nettleton. (Makes terrible face, puts hand on 
his chest — in a shrill voice to V^anderholt) Me 
sell out — (Waves his hand de pre datively at 
Johns) to him? And how long do you think this 
business would last with that wall-eyed pike at the 
head of it? 

Johns. {Jumping up) Now, see here, George 
Nettleton 

(Nettleton rises.) 

Vanderholt. (Motioning both to sit) Here! 
Here! Sit down, both of you. I'll referee this 
battle. (Nettleton and Johns glare at each other 
end sit) 
Mr. Nettleton refuses to sell — hovv^ about you, T ? 

Johns. (Looks at Vanderholt in astonishment, 
points at '^ettl.eto'^) Who — me? Sell out the re- 
sults of my brains — to that onion? (Doubles up 
with laughter) 

Nettleton. (Rises savagely) Who's an onion? 
Why you 

Vanderholt. (Pushes Nettleton in his chair) 
All right. I construe that as another refusal. Now 
since a simple bill of sale is out of the question, 
we'll turn to the next amicable process. (Sits above 
the desk c. in the swivel chair) You two will di- 
vide the business, each taking an equal share of the 
live customers, stock of pills on hand and good will 
of the company. (As Nettleton and Johns nod 
their heads) You can then be rivals and cut each 
other's throats at your own pleasure and con- 
venience ! 

Nettleton. (Slapping his hands — laughs glee- 



57 

fully) F'ine! I like that! 

Johns. (Holding his sides with mirth) So do 
I. It's great ! 

Vanderholt. Ah! Now we are getting some- 
v/here. Next question: which of you is to retain 
the name of the present concern ? 

Nettleton. (Quickly) Naturally, I will. 

Johns. (Jumps to his feet and faces Nettle- 
ton) What! And get the advantage of all our 
advertising — not much you don't. 

Nettleton. (Rises) Why not? Didn't I orig- 
inate the business — ^and build it up to what it is ? 

Johns. (Laughs scornfully) You built it up— 
Ha — ha — started it, yes — such a business as it was. 
All you had was a pill that you couldn't sell. 

Nettleton. (Furious) And just because you 
came along with a measley five hundred dollars and 
a hideous purple sugar coating, you think you've 
done it all ! 

Johns. I have! 

Nettleton. You haven't — and I'll prove it! 
(Triumphantly) I am the man that made the pill I 
(Crosses feet) 

Johns. And 7 am the man that made the public 
szirdlow themJ (Imitates Nettleton) 

(Sally begins to laugh, trys to check it by stuffing 
handkerchief in her jnouth. All look at her. 
Sally bends over with laughter, Nettleton 
goes over to her, when she raises up she dis- 
covers him regarding Jier severely and the 
laughter dies in a gasp.) 

Nettleton. (In stern tone) Miss Parker, leave 
the room. 

Johns. Miss Parker, do nothing of the kind. 
(Sally starts out of her seat and drops into it 
again) 



58 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Vanderholt. Will you two sit down and keep 
quiet ? 

Johns. (Excitedly) No, I won't sit down. 

Nettleton. (Few steps to r. — then to r. of the 
desk c.) And / won't! I want you to put that 
maniac out of my office ! 

Johns. And I want you to get that baboon out 
of mine ! 

Nettleton. (Striding to r., hands to head) 
A-h-h-h-h-h ! 

Vanderholt. (Rises) Oh, stop it, will you! 
Stop it! (Goes to Krome who moves a few steps l. 
at this point) 

Krome. (In a frightened whisper) You see, It's 
Iio use, sir, you'd better give up ! 

(Johns goes down l.) 

Vanderholt. Leave it to me ! 

(Krome goes hack to the high desk shaking head.) 

Nettleton. (Comes to front of the desk c, 
points angrily at Johns) I'd give anything on 
earth I own to have that man in the only place he's 
fit for — or ever will be — a valet — to lay out my 
pajamas ! 

Johns. (Comes in front of the desk c, shakes 
finger at Nettleton) And I'd like to have you as 
a servant — to black my shoes! (Walks l. as far as 
door) 

Nettleton. I'm much more likely to black your 
eyes! (Follows) 

Johns. (Advancing a step) Try it ! and Til lay 
you out — instead of your pajamas ! 

Vanderholt. (Steps between them as they start 
for each other) Will you two infernal idiots shut 
up? 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 59 

Nettleron. Van, you keep out of this ! 
Johns. That's right, keep out! 

(Partners give Vanderholt a shove and send him 
upstage. ) 

Vanderholt. {Comes hack quickly and shoves 
them apart) No, I won't keep out! You two are 
here to settle a business proposition and all you can 
do is to throw a baby bluff. 

Johns. Who, me? 

Vanderholt. No. Both of you. (Both part- 
ners look at him) All this rot about valets and 
servants and blacking boots until you make me sick. 

Johns. Then why don't you settle it. 

Vanderholt. I would if you two were sports 
enough to put it through. 

Johns. I'm sport enough to put through any- 
thing. 

Nettleton. So would I. 

Vanderholt. You would? Then come over 
here and sit down. (Goes swiftly to above the desk 
c.) Come on! Come on! (Both come slowly to 
their chairs, Nettleton r. of the desk and Johns 
L., after they sit) Now then, you won't have law 
or reason or common sense, so I'll give you some- 
thing you can understand. I'll deal you each a hand 
of poker — cold — the man who wins will run this 
business for a year; the man who loses will be the 
other's servant for a year. Now ! 

(They both stare mutely at Vanderholt for a mo- 
ment.) 

Nettleton. What are you trying to do — kid us? 
Johns. You're a hell of a lawyer ! 
Vanderholt. Granted ; but you've handed me a 
hell of a proposition; and even when I give you a 



6o A PAIR OF SIXES. 

sporting chance, you turn it down because neither 
of you has the grit to stand the guif. 

Nettleton. If you mean that for me, I have as 
much grit as you have any day ! 

Johns. And I have more than both of you! 

Nettleton. You? Ha, ha! You poor moon 
face, you wouldn't bark at a sick canary. 

Johns. {Faces Nettleton) Wouldn't, eh? 
How about youf When Van made his fool pro- 
posal, you were so afraid I'd take him up, I thought 
you'd faint! 

Nettleton. And if I had you'd have died stand- 
ing up ! 

Johns. Would I? Well, I'll bet you a thousand 
you'd be the first to crawl ! 

Nettleton. Prove it ! 

Johns. I will ! I'm game for Van's little hand 
of poker, just for the satisfaction of seeing you 
duck. Get me? 

Nettleton. {Waving him aside) Aw, bluff — 
bluff 

Johns. Then call it! If I'm bluffing, call my 
bluff! {Rises) 

Nettleton. {Desperately. Rises) All right I 
will. 

Vanderholt. {Quickly) You're on, both of 
you. Miss Parker, get your book ! We'll put this 
down in contract form and have no come back. 
{As Nettleton and Johns turn to him in pro- 
test) Now then ! Who's to be the quitter, 
{Looks from one to the other. Both start to 
speak to Vanderholt) Speak up! Don't mind 
me! Speak up! (Nettleton and Johns each 
wait for the other to sit, Nettleton starts to 
sit and as he is very nearly in his choir, Johns 
starts to sit. Nettleton sees him out of the cor- 
ner and quickly rises, and Johns hy a nreat effort 
catches himself at the lact minute and stands erect. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 6i 

They glare at each other and sit) Ready, Miss 
Parker ? 

Sally. (Quickly takes her stenographic book 
from the type desk zvhcre she is sitting, and takes 
her pencil from her hair and nods to Vanderholt) 
Yes, sir ! 

Vanderholt. {Sternly, to Nettleton) And 
don't you interrupt me! (Johns snickers — Van- 
derholt goes to Sally) This agreement, made 
and entered into this blank day of November, 
{Walks up and down stage r., hands behind back — 
then hand to forehead and etc.) 1915, by and be- 
tween George B. Nettleton, party of the first part 
and T Boggs Johns, party of the second part 

Johns. {Rises quickly — slaps desk) Hold on 
there, I decline positively to be known as the party 
of the second part! {Sits) 

Nettleton. There you are, always the way with 
that pin-headtd captain of industry, blocks every- 
thing. 

Vanderholt. {Coming to the side of Nettle- 
ton) Thanks, George. I'll make you party of the 
second part. {Turns to Sally wJien Nettleton's 
voice stops him) 

Nettleton. {Jumps to his feet) No, I'm 
hanged if you will. I wouldn't give him that much 
satisfaction. 

(Johns laughs.) 

Vanderholt. {Runs hands through hair) 
Waugh ! Miss Parker, strike that out ! This agree- 
ment, made and entered into this blank day of No- 
vember, 191 5, by and between the parties who have 
hereto set their hands and seals. {Partners and 
Vanderholt exchange bows) Witnesseth ! Para- 
graph. Whereas, the parties hereto have found it 
impossible to continue as business partners, they 



^2 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

hereby agree and do agree as follows : Paragraph. 
To play one hand of show-down in a game which 
for future legal reference may be known as poker. 
(Pacing up and down as he dictates) And the 
loser in said game, for the term of one year from 
the date hereof, shall become the household servant 
of the winner in said game. (Nettleton wipes 
his face and neck with handkerchief, Johns grins) 
The winner hereinafter to be known as the master; 
and the loser hereinafter to be known as the man, 
subject to the following conditions, to wit — {Looks 
at boys) All right, boys? 

Johns. (Laughs) Fine! 

Nettleton. (Pauses, swallows, speaks in a 
cracked high voice) Splendid. (Mops face with 
handkerchief — Johns grins) 

Vanderholt. Good! Clause one. (Moves to 
side of Sally) And tlie master shall have full and 
absolute control of all matters pertaining to the 
Eureka Digestive Pill Company, without stay, let, 
hindrance, or process of injunction on the part of 
the man. (As Johns and Nettleton both rise in 
protest, Vanderholt holds out his hands to quiet 
them) But (Goes to above the desk c.) the master 
shall credit the man's account — with all income, 
commissions, or other moneys rightfully his — 
(Nettleton and Johns sit) and shall hold same, 
subject to deductions for bad behavior. 

Nettleton. (Timidly) Say, Van — what kind 
of bad behavior? 

Vanderholt. I'm coming to that. Clause two : 
(Goes to Sally) And the man shall immediately 
enter the service of the master, as his servant, valet, 
or in such other capacity as may seem good and 
agreeable to the said master's wishes or desires. 
(Johns grins. Nettleton looks troubled) And 
furthermore, (Moves down r. a7id bcr^^ the mr.n 
shall serve the master with energy, diligence, re- 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 63 

spect and in all other acts of strict obedience, as are 
generally accepted with the duties of a menial. (As 
Johns begins to laugh heartily, Vanderholt goes 
to above the desk c. ) What's the matter T ? 

Johns. (Laughing, turns in chair — faces Van- 
derholt) I can't help it, Van. I can't help it. 
You know, I'm to be married in June, and was just 
thinking how great it would be to start in house- 
keeping with Nettleton as our butler. (Laughs 
more heartily) Anything we want done — (Indi- 
cates Nettleton with a wave of the hand) we'll 
let George do it! (Leans back and laughs heartily, 
Nettleton, with an angry cry rises and snatches 
lip the notary's seal on the desk and raises it to 
strike Johns. Vanderholt stops him, has slight 
struggle with him for it and takes it away from him, 
Vanderholt steps just l. of Nettleton) 

Vanderholt. Here, you! No assault and bat- 
tery! Hand over that weapon, George. (As he 
gets the seal away from Nettleton, holds it up for 
inspection) Where do you think you are, at your 
club? (Puts the seal on top of the letter file r., and 
goes to Sally) Last line, Miss Parker — 

Sally. (Consulting notes) In all other acts of 
strict obedience as are generally accepted with the 
duties of a menial. 

Vanderholt. (Walking up and dozvn r.) But 
— for each and every violation of such acts, the 
master may charge the man's account in the sum of 
one hundred dollars forfeit. 

(Nettleton mops his neck with his handkerchief.) 

Johns. (Interrupting) Poor old George! 
(Chuckles, Nettleton looks fiercely at Johns) 

Vanderholt. (Glances reprovingly at Johns) 
It is understood and agreed, however, that the mas- 
ter shall pay the man, in addition to his board and 



64 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

lodging, the sum of twent}^ dollars per month, in 
wages. 

Nettleton. (Timidly, and with a slight break 
in his voice) Say, Van — isn't that rather small? 

(Vanderholt comes to Nettleton's side.) 

Johns. {Scratching his ear daintily with one 
fjtger, speaks in a patronizing tone) Oh, all right, 
I'll make it thirty. 

(Nettleton, vj'th great difficulty restrains himself 
from jumpijig at Johns.) 

Vanderholt. Change it to thirty. (Saunters 
up to the letter file, rests arms on same) Clause 
three: The one other party to whom the condi- 
tions of this agreement may be known, is Mrs. 
George B. Nettleton. 

(Nettleton sighs with relief.) 

Johns. (Rising quickly) And where does Mrs. 
Nettleton come in? 

Vanderholt. (Going above the desk c.) In 
either case, she's got to knov/; whether George is 
your servant, or you his — what's the matter with 
you? 

Johns. Oh ! (Firmly) Then you've got to put 
in another clause to hold him down. 

Vanderholt. (Impatiently) I'm going to. 
(Waves hands at Johns to sit, Johns does so. 
Vanderholt goes to Sally) It is understood and 
agreed, however, that should either of the parties 
hereto, or the wife of one of the parties hereto, 
(Johns nods to Vanderholt) make known the 
nature of this agreement to any other person, the 
offending party shall pay over to the aggrieved 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 65 

party — the sum of five thousand dollars cash. 

Nettleton. (Rising) No, that isn't fair. That 
makes me responsible for ten thousand to his five. 

Johns Not unless you and your w'lie both tell. 
What's the matter with you ? (Taps his head gently 
with his closed fist) 

Vanderholt. (Pushing Nettleton hack in his 
chair) That's right, George. Keep quiet. Clause 
Four : (Starts to walk up and down r. stage. Must 
be at the high desk before clause five) This agree- 
ment may at any time be annulled and cancelled, 
but only by mutual consent. And — should either 
party fail to faithfully fulfil the covenants herein 
contained, then such party shall forfeit to the other 
party — all his stock and other interests in the 
Eureka Digestive Pill Company. (Johns whistles 
softly and Nettleton mops his brozv with his hand- 
kerchief) Clause five: Mr. Thomas J. Vanderholt 
(Vanderholt draws himself up to full height, ex- 
pands his chest, and wit/i great dignity walks dozvn 
R. as far as the apron) is hereby appointed as ref- 
eree; with power to decide all questions of d'spute; 
and shall charge therefor (Speaks with great relish 
as the partners stare at him indignantly) such fee or 
fees as may, in his judgment, seem just and lav/ful. 
(Turns up-stag e, adjusts his cuffs, walks up-stage 
to the type desk and turns to the partners, zvko turn 
in their seats following him with their eyes) 

Johns. (IVith a wave of the hand) General 
Villa ! 

Vanderholt. (To above the desk c.) That's 
all. Three copies, please, and if you or Krome ever 
mention this agreement to any one, you'll lose your 
jobs. (Sally turns to type desk, takes up blank 
sheets of paper and carbons) Are you both entirely 
satisfied? 

(Sally puts the papers and carbons in the type- 
writer. ) 



66 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Johns. I am. 

Vanderholt. And agree to sign it — before wit- 
nesses and under oath? 

Johns. Sure. (Pointing at Nettleton who sits 
dejectedly) But look at him! 

Vanderholt. Well, George — how about it? 

Nettleton. (Rises, crosses to r.) I — I won't 
do it — I'm married 1 

Johns. (Laughing) Now, isn't that the limit. 
He's married! (Laughs) Who's playing this 
game of poker, you or she? 

Nettleton. (Back to r. of desk c.) It isn't a 
square deal ! Oh, not on my account, but I've got 
to consider Mrs. Nettleton ! 

Johns. Oh, somebody warm his milk and give 
him a little kiss ! 

Nettleton. (Angrily, shakes fist at Johns) 
Cut that, will you? (To Vanderholt appealingly) 
Why, think of her position, Van. If I lost and had 
to be a servant to — that! (Makes a face at the 
prospect) 

Johns. (Sweetly) Now don't you worry, 
Georgie dear, I have a large nature and am per- 
fectly willing to take on Mrs. Nettleton as our par- 
lor maid. 

Nettleton. (Furiously, as he starts forward) 
You! How dare you mention my wife's name. 

Vanderholt. (Pushing Nettleton back in his 
seat and motioning Johns to keep quiet as he starts 
to reply and go for Nettleton. Sally and Krome 
register) Here, you — here! No rough house, or 
I'll whip the pair of you I (Bangs the desk and 
looks first at Nettleton then Johns) 

Johns. (Indicating Vanderiiol.t) The Kaiser? 

Vanderholt. Then you have my ultimatum, 
take it or leave it. (Bangs the desk) 

Johns. (Laughing) Oh, he'll leave it all ris^ht, 
all right. I knew he'd crawl ; but I didn't think he'd 



A PAIR OF SIXES. ^7 

duck behind a petticoat. 

Nettleton. (Shouting) That's a lie! And I'll 
show you. (Rises) Here! Who's got a pack of 

cards! /^ r 

Krome. (Jumping to his feet) I have! (Takes 

a pack from his hip pocket and advances to upper L. 

end of the desk c.) , t-» 

Nettleton. (In spite of himself) Oh ! (Flops 

in chair R. of the desk c, leans head on hand) 
Krome. I play solitaire with 'em on the New 

Rochelle express, 

(Sally takes the pills from the R. side of the desk 
c. and papers, and puts them on the high desk 
and returns, stands just back of Nettleton's 
chair. ) 

Vanderholt. (Taking the cards and shuffling) 
Thanks! We'll deal quick, or they'll both quit! 
(Smiles at Johns and Nettleton) Come on and 
take your medicine. (As the partners scowl at each 
other) Here, Krome; you are honest and impar- 
tial. Cut! , . r ^ r. 

Krome. (Cuts the cards and takes the fixed pack 
from behind the basket at the l. side of the desk — 
upper end— and puts the pack he receives from 
Vanderholt out of sight) ^ Yes, sir— (Vander- 
holt takes the cards from him) 

Nettleton. (Nervously) Well, well! What 
are you waiting for ? Deal 'em— hurry up ! 

Johns. (Laughing) Ha, ha! Getting nervous ; 
got him beat at the start. 

Vanderholt. All right, boys; here goes! 
(Starts to deal to Johns, then turns to Nettleton) 
Senior partner first! (Starts to deal five cards to 
each man alternately, beginning with Nettleton. 
Krome puts his foot on Johns' chair) 

Johns. (Johns examining his cards carefully, 



68 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

sees Krome looking over his shoulder, slaps his leg 
knocking his foot off the chair) Get your foot off 
my chair! 

Vanderholt. {Looking at Nettleton, who is 
squeezing his cards together and going over them 
again and again) Well, George? Don't rub off the 
spots — you can't make an ace out of a tray, come 
on, how many cards? 

Nettleton. {Swallowing hard) Three ! {Dis- 
cards) 

Vanderholt. All right — put down your pair or 
whatever it is. 

Nettleton. {Holding two cards close to his 
breast and looking at Johns) What are you? 
Standing pat? 

Johns. {Laughs) No, I'm sitting bull. Never 
mind what I am, put down your hand. (Johns 
discards four) 

Krome. {As Nettleton lays cards on the desk) 
A pair of sixes ! 

(Johns laughs and Nettleton sinks in his chair.) 

Vandreholt. Well, T, what have youf 

Johns. {Holding up one card) I'm holding one 
card — my lucky queen of hearts, and three more 
ladies in the pack! Deal. 

Vanderholt. Hold on — George first. 

Krome. {Calling out denomination of cards as 
Vanderholt deals them out, one at a time, face 
up) Nine — three — eight! 

Vanderholt. Still a pair of sixes. 

Johns. {Laughs exultantly) Oh, what a cinch 
to beat ! Here, gimme four ! Just flip 'em out, old 
pal, I'm going to eat that butler up ! 

Vanderholt. Look out, T, the game's young 
yet! {Deals one at a time, as before. Nt^ttleton 
has truned in his chair slightly to r., away from 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 69 

the game, taking it for granted that he has lost, his 
face takes on an expression of abject despair) 

Krome. {As Vanderholt deals to Johns) 
King 

Johns. {Excitedly) Of hearts. Come on, you 
king or queen, come on ! (Johns picks up each 
card dealt him with his right hand and puts it with 
the others in his left, which he holds up) 

Krome. (As Vanderholt throws the card on 
desk) Jack 

Johns. (Raising his voice a hit each time) Of 
hearts ! Come on you Jask or Queen, come on ! 

Krome. (As Vanderholt continues to deal) 
Ace! 

Johns. (Rising in his excitement) Of hearts! 
Come on you little straight or flush — come on! 

Krome. (As the last card is dealt) Fourl 

Sally. (Greatly excited) Of spades! 

(Johns gases at the cord, hardly able to believe his 
eyes, then with an inarticidate moan sinks 
slowly into his chair and stares glassily in 
front of him. Holds the last card over the 
ledge of the desk so that the house may see.) 

Vanderholt. (To Johns) Nothii^^! (Krome 
and Sally register, Vanderholt tiLrns to Nettle- 
ton, puts out his hand) Good boy, George! 
(Nettleton, with a woeful countenance, gases into 
space as he gradually comes bock to earth; he looks 
down at Vanderholt's hand, his eye goes up to 
Vanderholt's shoulder then back to the hand. 
Suddenly he realises his victory. Straightens up in 
his seat, clenches his fists and proclaims it in a shrill, 
cracked voice) My God! I v.in ! (Nettleton 
rises slowly, a smile begins to overspread his fea- 
tures. He adjusts his coat and zv:fh an exagger- 
ated dignity of manner and tone, addresses Johns) 



70 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Boggs, attend me! (Johns raises his head and 
looks at Nettleton, beaten) As my butler, the 
first little service I shall require of you — is to grow 
side whiskers ! 

(Nettleton struts to r., laughing.) 

CURTAIN. 

(Ring on the word "grow." Company calls only.) 

(Jimmy, Krome, Sally, Nettleton, Mrs. Net- 
tleton, Vanderholt, Florence, Johns, 
Tony, Applegate.) 

ACT II. 

Scene: — Johns enters in the costume of a butler, 
wearing dark side whiskers. Looks sad and 
depressed. He carries a waiter on which is a 
decanter, syphon of vichy and high ball glasses. 
Enters from l. i — places the waiter on the 
table L., then crosses to the library r. i. As 
Johns passes c. going to the library, Coddles, 
the English maid servant, appears on the stairs, 
comes down stairs to the first landing, hides 
until Johns returns. Johns exits into the 
library ^ l. i, gets Nettleton's smoking jacket 
and slippers and re-enters. Throws the jacket 
roughly over the small armchair r. and then 
goes to the fireplace l. and dashes the slippers 
down; thinks better of it, picks them up gently 
and places them before the fire to warm. Goes 
to front of the table l., sits on the small settee, 
puts hand to head, sighs. Coddles looks at him 
admiringly. 

Coddles. {Whistles coyly) S-s-s-sh! Mr. 
Boggs, sir ! 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 71 

Johns. {Straightens with a start, looks at Cod- 
dles, speaks irritably) Well, Coddles, what do 
you want? 

Coddles. {Comes towards Johns) Ho, come 
now, don't be cross. Hi thought w'ilst h'everthink 
was quiet like, h'id rum h'in an' 'elp you with your 
work. {Grins at Johns) 

Johns. (Waves at her) Keep away, will you? 
Keep away! 

Coddles. (Steps towards him, leans on her 
broom) Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hi didn't 
mean no 'arm, sir. But this 'ere hain't no man's 
work, hany 'ow. I don't see why the marster makes 
ye do it. 

Johns. / do. (Taking up dust cloth) The pre- 
cise removal of microscopic specks of dust from 
his personal possessions — is the chief component 
part of a butler's destiny. 

Coddles. {Blankly) Yes, sir. I don't know 
what you mean, sir, but hit's very likely. {Laughs 
—presses her hands to her bosom, looking at him in 
lovesick adoration — goes to him, grins at him) 

Johns. Here — stop grinning at me in that way! 
(As she changes her expression and backs away 
and puts one foot up on the broom) What are 
you doing sweeping at this time of the afternoon? 

Coddles. (Grinning) W^e's* expectin' guests — 
for dinner, sir. 

Johns. (In alarm, jumps to his feet, goes few 
steps to c. Coddles comes down off the broom, re- 
treats a step or so) Guests? For dinner? Who? 

Coddles. (Trembling with fear) Hi don't 
know, sir. The marster 'e just telephoned an' told 
me to tidy hup the spare room. 

Johns. {Grimly; sits on the settee) Guests! 
And a million to one they know me ! {Mops fore- 
head with the dust cloth) 

Coddles. (Advancing to him; leans her broom 



y2 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

against the table and kneels on the R. side of the 
settee) Now, don't you worrit, sir, about the hex- 
tra work. Hi'U 'ave the dishes 'ot an' ready for 
you to serve 'em. {As Johns turns his head away) 
Oh, Mr. Boggs, sir, Hi don't beheve you's 'appy. 

Johns. No? Why not? 

Coddles. Men folks can 'idc their feelin's in the 
day time, Mr. Boggs; but not hat night. {As 
Johns looks up at her) W'y, sir, I can 'ear you 
through the transom, a-moanin' an' a-cursin' in 
your sleep. {Leans forward tenderly) Mr. Boggs, 
sir — was you hcver a married man ? 

Johns. (Grimly) Yes! Three times ! 

Coddles. Was you now? W'y dearie me! 
(Sits by Johns on the settee) 

Johns. (Jumps up as though he had been shot; 
moves a step l.) But I'll tell you one thing, Cod- 
dles — that three is just about my limit. Under- 
stand? 

Coddles. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. {Grins) 
But of course we halways 'as the privilege of 
changing of our minds. (Coddles rises, goes to 
Johns, who crosses quickly to front of the table r. 
Coddles plays with her apron, wiggles her foot in 
front of her dress, and looks coyly at the uncom- 
fortable Johns) Mr. Boggs, sir — did you hever 
think of the difference 'tween you and 7nef 

Johns. Eh? No, I didn't! How do you mean? 

Coddles. In this 'ere 'ouse'old, you was hen- 
gaged because you's so 'andsome — (Johns swells 
up a bit) But Hi was hengaged — because Hi'm 
'omely ! 

Johns. What makes you think so? {Looks at 
her and turns azvay and makes a face) 

Coddles. Of course nobody hain't never told 
me, plump outright, but hany one with 'arf an 
heye can see't as the missus 'as a jealous disposi- 
tion, han' she ain't a-goin' to 'ave no good lookin* 
'uzzies a-'angin' aroun' to attrack 'er 'usband. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 73 

Johns. Well, that's good logic maybe, but where 
do I come in? 

Coddles. Ho, with you hit's different. A 'and- 
some butler is an hornament. 

Johns. Mm! That's what the master says I 
am. (Coddles moves close to Johns, tries to clasp 
his hand. Johns pulls his hand away with a gasp 
and moves to chair R. of the table r. and sits) 

Coddles. (Clasping hands and speaking pathet- 
ically) Yes, sir. An' sometimes you looks mourn- 
ful and that sad you puts me in mind of a piece of 
music. 

Johns. Yes; ragtime! (Throzvs the dust cloth 
on table) 

Coddles. (Catches the cloth up quickly, kisses 
it, and presses it to her heart; puts it in dress front 
— speaks lovingly) An' w'en you is un'appy, it's 
because you's lonesome — (Coming behind him) 
An' hif you w^ould honly let me rub your head, sir 
— an' 'old your 'and — (Attempts to do both) 

Johns. (Jumps up; runs up-stag e r.) Coddles, 
you are sick! You need a doctor; you 

Coddles. (Following him) No, no, sir, 'deed 
Hi don't Hit hain't the stummick, Mr. Boggs, 
sir, hit's the 'eart 1 

Johns. (Gets on small chair u. r.) Stop it, 
will you ? Keep away ! Why, woman, you are 
raving crazy. You — (As Nettleton passes the 
window u. c.) Look out — look out! Here comes 
Mr. Nettleton! 

Coddles. Ho, Lud, hit's 'Im! (Runs and gets 
broom, then goes quickly to the door l. i, opens 
slightly, and turns to Jopins) Mr. Boggs, sir — hif 
you 'appens to change your mind, sir, Hi's in the 
kitchen! (Grins at him and exits) 

(Johns comes down off the choir, goes u. c. by the 
staircase, stands at attention.) 



74 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Nettleton. {Enters from u. R., advances 
slowly and with much dignity to the table l. He 
carries two packages, one long and thin and cone 
shaped, the other small and flat tied with a purple 
ribbon. Places them on table. Nettleton carries 
a cane. Speaks haughtily to Johns) Boggs ! My 
hat! {Hands the hat to Johns, who snatches it 
away. Nettleton pretends not to notice) My 
stick. (Johns takes the stick, makes a motion be- 
hind Nettleton as if to strike. Nettleton turns 
slightly and Johns covers it by pretending to 
scratch his head) It is part of your duty to antici- 
pate my wishes, without my being forced to con- 
tinually call your attention to such trifling details. 
It is most annoying — most annoying. (Goes a few 
steps l., then turns to Johns) Why don't you an- 
swer me? {Throws his gloves in the hat which 
Johns is holding) 

Johns. Yes, sir. 

Nettleton. (Nettleton pvtts coat on the table 
L. Johns puts hat and stick in the window seat 
u. R., then gets Nettleton's jacket) Then please, 
remember it, and get my smoking jacket. (Johns 
brings the jacket to Nettleton, who stands in 
front of the settee l., turned slightly to L. Johns 
stops behind Nettleton, about three feet, and 
holds out the jacket. Nettleton, without turning, 
motions him to come nearer. Johns does so, then 
holding the jacket too low. Nettleton motions 
him to lift it. Johns does so and helps him on with 
the jacket. When it is on, he gives Nettleton a 
shove sending him a few feet down l. Nettleton 
turns quickly to find Johns with his hands folded, 
looking front, with the most innocent expression 
on his face) Boggs ! You have missed your voca- 
tion ; you should have hired yourself out to a piano 
mover. (Nettleton sits on the settee and takes 
the evening paper from the table: reads it) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 75 

Johns. {Looks at Nettleton; then front) I 
did! 

Nettleton. {Looks at him, then hack to paper) 
Now, Boggs, we'll have our slippers. {Hums. 
Johns takes them from the fireplace, makes mo- 
tion as if to throw them at him; then kneels by 
Nettleton r. of him and unbuttons shoes, right 
one. First takes off right shoe, puts on the right 
slipper, then starts to take off the left shoe — is slow 
about it) Well ! Are you going to take all night ? 
Why don't you pull it off? {As Johns jerks it off, 
Nettleton grabs his foot) Ouch! What the 
devil are you doing? 

Johns. You told me to pull it off, didn't you? 

Nettleton. I didn't tell you to pull off my bun- 
yon with it, did I? Get me a highball. And be 
quick about itl {As Nettleton returns to his 
paper) 

Johns. Yes, sir. (Johns goes up to the tray as 
slowly as possible, selects a highball glass, carefully 
pours the whiskey until the glass is full, then takes 
the Vichy and squirts in a drop. Looks at Nettle- 
ton. Then drinks the glass fid: leaves just a drop; 
holds up the glass to see how much is left; takes 
another sip; holds up the glass again, examines it; 
then fills it with vichy, and goes to Nettleton and 
hands it to hint) 

Nettleton. {Taking the glass zvithout looking 
up from his paper) Thank you, Boggs! {Starts 
to drink. Raises the glass, looks at it, eyes Boggs, 
who is standing at attention, with an innocent ex- 
pression on his face) Boggs! You ought to be 
able to mix a good highball. 

Johns. {Respectfidly) I believe I have It in 
me, sir. 

Nettleton. {Glances at Johns suspiciously, 
then fills the glass with whiskey) And where is 
Mrs. Nettleton? {Drinks and places the glass on 
tray) 



76 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Johns. Been out all afternoon calling. {Picks 
up Nettleton's shoes) 

Nettleton. {Leans back) A-h-h-h-h! I tell 
you, Boggs, it's great to have a comfortable cozy 
home to come to after office hours. But then, as 
a successful business man, I believe that I deserve 
it. 

Johns. {Timidly) I say, George 

Nettleton. {Looks up sharply) Eh? 

Johns. {Apologetically) I mean, Mr. Nettle- 
ton. 

Nettleton. Thafs better. 

Johns. Eh — ^how is business? 

Nettleton. (With relish) Great! {Enthusi- 
astically) Why, you'd hardly believe it, but since 
you left, I've just about doubled the business. Ii 
shows w^hat system and intelligence can do. No 
disturbance — no noise — except the orders coming 
in. For the first time in years I feel that I can do 
something. (Johns walks a few steps to c, turns 
away from Nettleton) Oh! That reminds me, 
I've decided to change the color of our pills. 

Johns. {Turns and takes a step to Nettleton) 
What? You are going to change the color of my 
pills. {Pleads) Why, George, you don't mean 
that! You can't! 

Nettleton. {Smiles — enjoying the situation) 
Haven't I the right, according to the contract? 
The master will have for the term of one year full 
and absolute control of all matters pertaining to the 
business. {Smiles at Johns' discomfiture) That's 
clear enough, isn't it? 

Johns. {Pathetically) Yes, I knov/. But to 
change the color of my pills. (Johns wilts into 
the chair l. of the table r.) Why, George — it's 
like the murder — of my only child. {Puts right 
elbow on table and leans his head Cjcinst shoes 
which he holds in his hand) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 77 

Nettleton. Boggs! Don't you think it about 
time to stop worrying over your descendants. That 
violet was a hideous color, anyhow. I've decided to 
change it to a polka dot. 

Johns. {Crosses to settee) A polka dotted 
pill ? For the lord's sake, George 

Nettleton. {Checking him) No argument. 
I've proved it. The minute I advertised the change 
the business jumped. 

Johns. Jumped! {Goes a few steps r., speaks 
gloomily) Its a wonder it didn't scream ! 

Nettleton. {Rising) Oh, Boggs! I forgot 
to tell you — I'm expecting dinner guests this even- 
ing. 

Johns. {Fiercely) Who are they? 

Nettleton. {In assumed surprise) What? 

Johns. (^Advancing — speaks in a loud threaten- 
ing tone) I said — who are they? {Flings Net- 
telton's shoes on the floor) 

Nettleton. {Goes a few steps l.) Boggs, you 
mortify me ! Please remember your position — and 
the contract. 

Johns. {Follows him) I do remember them — 
bothl But tliere's nothing in that contract that 
gives you the right to put me on exhibition — for 
the benefit of my former friends. 

Nettleton. {Laughs lightly, master of the situ- 
ation) There's nothing in it to the contrary. {As 
Johns turns away, his hand to his head) Must / 
consult the butler as to who are to be my dinner 
guests? Besides, you'll be disguised — by your — er 
—side whiskers. Of course they aren't very be- 
coming to you, Boggs; but they answer their pur- 
pose—admirably. {As Johns raises his fist) Re- 
member the contract! (Johns reconsiders, bell 
rings off stage) And answer that bell. 

Johns. All right! {Goes up a few steps, turns 
and comes back) But I want to say to you and 



78 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Van, that contract is just about the most one-sided 
contract that was ever written. (Up a few steps 
and back again — louder tone) And another thing 
— I want — my — mail! 

Nettleton. (Loftily) Your mail? 

Johns. (Beside himself with rage) My private 
letters — that come to the office! And I'm going 
to have them ! 

Nettleton. (Holding up hand — sternly) 
Boggs ! Don't irritate me — with such a trivial mat- 
ter. Go see who's at that door. 

Johns. All right! (Exits u. r.) 

Nettleton. (Grins after him; turns to the tele- 
phone. Goes to 'phone by way of l. side of the 
table) Hello — 6170 Lenox — (Again glancing at 
the door) Poor old Boggsy! But where ye sow, 
there also shall ye reap! (In 'phone) Hello! Is 
that Mr. Vanderholt's home? Oh, hello, Van! 
How are you? Fine! Did you find you could 
make it for dinner this evening ? Good boy ! Come 
right along over. I have a surprise for you. 
What? (Johns enters u. r., carries large bundle) 
No, I can't tell you over the 'phone — the servants 
are hanging around. (Johns makes an awful face) 
Put on your Tux and hurry. Good-bye ! (Hangs 
up the receiver and sits on the settee L.) Well, 
Boggs, what was it? 

Johns. Your damned laundry! (Johns throws 
the bundle of laundry at Nettleton so that it hits 
him on the arm and falls open, the laundry falling 
all over the floor) 

Nettleton. (Throwing up his arm to protect 
himself as the laundry is thrown, then jumping up 
and facing Johns) Why — you — you — impertin- 
ent — say, look here! (Takes small red note book 
from his vest pocket; smiles — as he makes a note) 
Did you know that this piece of work is going to 
cost you just one hundred dollars? 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 79 

Johns. (Laughs) Yes, I know it — but it's 
worth it! (Laughs) This is the first half minute 
of actual enjoyment I've had since I came into this 
house. 

Nettleton. Then I'll give you another. You 
pick up my shirts. (Nettleton goes up to the 
mantel aftd stands with back to Johns) 

Johns. With pleasure, sir. (Goes over to the 
laundry, walks over it, stoops, picks it up, wraps it 
all up in a knot, puts it on the settee, then goes r., 
smiling. Leaves three collars on the floor) 

Nettleton. (To front of the settee) A nice 
way to act — (In an injured tone) and after all my 
thoughtfulness — and consideration of you. Do you 
know what day this is? 

Johns. No, I've lost track of the days lately. 
(Few steps r.) 

Nettleton. It's the twenty-fourth of Novem- 
ber. Your birthday. 

Johns. (Laughs sarcastically) Many happy 
returns. (Shakes hands with himself) 

Nettleton. (With sincerity, to fool Johns) 
But since you behave as you do, you completely de- 
stroy my pleasure in the whole affair. There ought 
to be one day in the year when you and I could bury 
the hatchet. 

Johns. (Really touched) Oh, well, if — if you 
feel that way, I'm with you. (Extends hand) I'm 
sorry, George. 

Nettleton. (Extends his hand as if to shake 
with Johns and as Johns is about to grasp it sud- 
denly moves it upwards and scratches his head as 
if that was his original intention. Johns grits his 
teeth with rage. It's all right, T ! We'll say no 
more about it. (Crosses to the table l., picks up 
the cone-shaped package; goes back to Johns) 
Here's a little present I bought for you. It isn't 
much— but still— (//anc?.y it to Johns) 



8o A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Johns. {Taking it and turning it over and over 
without opening it) A present for me? That's 
awful good of you, old chap ! Hanged if it isn't — 
why- 

Nettleton. Oh, no— no ! I'm glad to do it. I 
only hope that it will be a comfort to you! 

Johns. Well — well — looks like an Easter Lily. 
(Turns it over) 

Nettleton. (Smiling) Well, aren't you going 
to open it? 

Johns. (Catches one end of the paper and the 
duster rolls out in his right hand) Oh ! Oh ! 
(Puts it quickly behind him; glares at Nettleton) 
What's the idea? 

Nettleton. (Laughing) Ah! (Goes to the 
table, gets the flat package and returns to Johns; 
unwraps the package) Here is the other part of 
our little birthday celebration. (Holds the frame 
to Johns, then up to the view of the house) Two 
little sixes and a torn queen. Aren't they cute? 
(Johns controls himself quietly, and Nettleton 
places the frame on the table R., facing the house) 
Now then! (Crosses to l.) I want you to dust 
this carefully — twice a day — in the m.orning before 
you serve my breakfast and in the afternoon — be- 
fore I return from business; understand? 

Johns. Yes. 

Nettleton. Sir! (Nettleton waits a second; 
Johns does not reply) Sir! (Johns does not aw- 
.yw^r— Nettleton takes out the small red book) 

Johns. (On seeing the book) Sir. 

Nettleton. (Making note) Too late. (Going 
u. c.) We'll dine this evening at seven. (Goes up 
the steps and turns at the landing) And I trust 
you'll do nothing to mortify me before my guests. 
And, Boggs, you may serve the cocktails here. 
(Goes slozvly up the stairs laughing; trips as he is 
about to go out of sight of the house; jumps quickly 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 8i 

to his feet, looks keenly at Boggs to detect a sign of 
laughter; Boggs stands at attention with a sober 
jace; Nettleton glares at him. Exits with great 
dignity) 

Johns. It's going to cost me another hundred, 
but — (Goes above the table r. and knocks the frame 
off the table to l., then goes and stands by the 
stairs) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Entering from u. r., comes 
to c, looks at the shoes on the floor, then goes to 
the table l., puts her things, bag, and so forth, on 
same) Good-evenmg, T! (Stoops to pick up the 
shoes) My gracious! What a careless dear 
George is. (Johns comes down and takes up the 
shoes; Mrs. Nettleton tries to take the shoes 
away; they see-saw with them) T ! You mustn't 
do such things. Give them to me. (As he takes 
the shoes and steps back) V/hy— why, don't you 
know it mortifies me when I see you as— as an 
actual— servant. (Turns away, goes a few steps l., 
turns) Oh, T, I'm ashamed! Why don't you and 
George stop all this nonsense? 

Johns. No! I was the one who made a fool of 
myself. And I'm going through with it— if I turn 
purple and bust! (Step R.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. Has George been— unkmd to 

you again? . , , 

Johns. (Airily) Oh, no! He was particularly 
pleasant this evening. (They meet center) 

Mrs. Nettleton. Which means you are telhng 
a beautiful, splendid fib. 

Johns. Not at all. There vv^ere any number of 
little things he forgot to put over. Shall I tell him 
you are here? (Starts up center) 

Mrs. Nettleton. No— no! (Following him a 
step) Oh, T ! I'm sorry for this, indeed I am, and 
I'm doing all I can to— to make it easier for you ! 

Johns. Nellie, you're a brick ! 



82 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Mrs. Nettleton. No, Vm not ! But I am using 
all my influence to make him less exacting — why, 
T 

Nettleton. (Off-stage) Hello, sweetheart! 
Are you there ? 

Mrs. Nettleton. (To Johns) S-h-h! (Runs 
up to the steps — calls up) Yes, darling! I've just 
come in. (Johns runs to the table r., picks up the 
duster, then goes to the table L. Mrs. Nettleton 
to Johns, in a loud whisper) Don't let him see 
you talking to me, it — it might affect my influence 
over him ! 

Johns. (In the same tone) But, Nellie — there's 
just one thing 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Glancing up the stairs, then 
hack at Johns) What is it? 

Johns. (Gathering the laundry, duster and so 
forth and holding it all in a hunch against his chest) 
If you really have any influence with him, let Cod- 
dles serve the dinner this evening. I'll stay in the 
kitchen and cook. I know how to boil potatoes and 
fry a steak — I 

Nettleton. ( Off-stage) Nellie ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. Sh-h-h! 

Johns. (Aside) And put arsenic in his soup. 
{Exits L. l) 

Nettleton. (Coming down the steps to L. of 
Mrs. Nettleton) Well, well, well! Here you 
are at last! (Kisses her; takes her down center) 
Where have you been so late ? 

Mrs. Nettleton. Well, I had such a terrible lot 
of calls to make I forgot the time completely. 

Nettleton. I see; I was getting worried about 
you. 

Mrs. Nettleton. Were you? (Strokes his 
face) 

Nettleton. I should think I was! (Takes her 
hy the elbows, looks into her eyes) For the last 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 83 

half hour I've been sitting at the window, watching 
every woman who came along, 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Draws away from him; 
speaks a little sharply) What? 

Nettleton. (Quickly) I mean — watching for 
you. You know what I mean. (With a careless 
shrug) These other women were merely disap- 
pointments. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Another step back, looking 
at him closely) Are you sure? 

Nettleton. Of course I am! (Takes her arm, 
leads her to the settee l.) Now, come right over 
here, and we'll sit down by our own bright fireside 
— and — (Mrs. Nettleton sits on l. side of the 
settee; Nettleton looks at the frame Johns has 
throzvn on the floor) Excuse me just a minute. 
(Picks the frame up and stands it on the table R., 
then makes memo, in the little red book) 

Mrs. Nettleton. What is it, dear? 

Nettleton. Nothing, only our Boggs is grow- 
ing careless. I'm making a charge on his office ac- 
count and a deduction — for breakage — against his 
wages. 

Mrs. Nettleton. George, V\hy is it you are so 
unkind with T ? 

Nettleton. (Laughs; goes to c, turns, faces 
Mrs. Nettleton) What nonsense! It is merely 
wholesome discipline. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Shaking f.nger at him) 
That's just what I mean. T is a human being, and 
you are not in the least considerate of him. He's so 
miserable and wretched all the time, that 

Nettleton. (Crosses to Mrs. Nettleton. 
Fierce tone) What! Has that fellow been trot- 
ting to you with his troubles? 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Quickly) No, he hasn't! 
But I can see it — in the poor boy's face ! It's not 
kind of you, darling, no, not one bit. And the 



84 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

reason I thought of it, was this. {Takes the tele- 
gram from her hand-bag) 

Nettleton. {As telegram is shozvn him) A 
telegram, eh? We'll sit down and read it together. 
{He sits by Mrs. Nettleton) What does it say? 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Reading) " Will arrive this 
afternoon, 6: 15. Love. Florence." 

Nettleton. Now / know all about that tele- 
gram. / v^rote to Florence several days ago. 
Asked her to run down and spend a week with us. 
Told her you'd be delighted. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {In consternation) With usf 
But, George dear, we can't have her here! 

Nettleton. Why not? She's one of your most 
intimate friends. I thought you'd be glad to have 
her. 

Mrs. Nettleton. I would under ordinary cir- 
cumstances, but you don't seem to — {Earnestly) 
Why, don't you know that T Is head over heels in 
love with Florence Cole? 

Nettleton. {Rises, crosses to c, laughs) Yes, 
I know it. That was my reason for inviting her. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Rises; reproving tone) 
George! {She looks at him reproachfully) But 
she'll see him here as your butler — and, naturally, 
you'll have to explain. 

Nettleton. And pay five thousand for the 
privilege ? Not much ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Raises her voice slightly) 
Very well ; then I'll explain. 

Nettleton. {Quickly) Oh, no, you don't. I 
don't propose to pay five thousand for you, either. 
Please remember the contract. 

Mrs. Nettleton. But somebody's got to tell 
her. If you can't and I can't, why, then poor T 
will have to do it. 

Nettleton. {Laughs; slaps hands) Oh, well, 
that's different. T has mor^ reason to explain. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 85 

Besides, I can use his five thousand very nicely. 
(Crosses to r. of the table r.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (In earnest reproach) Oh, 
George! It isn't fair! It's cruel! It's — ah — 
(Turns away from Nettleton) 

Nettleton. Look here, Nellie! Why are you 
alv^ays taking up for himf 

Mrs. Nettleton. (A step to him) Because I 
have a heart! Because you never had a right to 
make that horrid contract. 

Nettleton. (Heatedly) He forced me into it! 

Mrs. Nettleton. Oh 

Nettleton. Yes, he did ! For three years that 
fellow made my life a curse; and now I'm going to 
make his life a curse — for just one year from the 
date thereof. (Takes a step r. and back; rubs his 
hands) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Pleadingly) But, oh, how 
can you? 

Nettleton. Oh, I guess I can all right. And 
then there's Van. He's in love with Florence, too. 
Good old Van helped me a lot when he dealt me this 
pair of sixes, and now, by Jupiter, I'm going to fix 
things up for him. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Suddenly becoming furious) 
And what of mef 

Nettleton. (In astonishment) Of you? 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Crosses to l. of the table r.) 
Yes, me! I was the real stake in that little gam- 
bling episode. Suppose you had become T's butler, 
and / had been that queen that's torn in half? 
(Sits L. of the table; begins to cry) 

Nettleton. (Rather dazed at the suddenness 
of it all) But, Nellie — darling — (Steps to her 
above the table) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Becoming hysterical) And 

— you risked — me! (Mr. Nettleton protests 

^silently) I've never quite forgiven you for that! 



86 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

And I never will ! Most women would have never 
rested till they had gotten even and I don't know 
but what I shall, too! 

Nettleton. (Goes to her above the table. Try- 
ing to pacify her) But, Nellie — my precious lit- 
tle 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Violent hysteria — screams) 
Don't talk to me! Don't argue with me. (Looks 
up at him; changes tone completely; in the most 
matter-of-fact voice) You know I'm nervous! 

Nettleton. (Puts hand to his forehead to 
gather his wits — goes below the table R.) All right; 
/ won't! (Bell off stage) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Starting again) Ah-h-h- 
h-h-! There's Florence now — ^and what are we 
going to do-oo-oo-oo ! 

Nettleton. Don't let her see you crying. Run 
up to your room. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Jumps to her feet; screams 
at him; stamps her foot) I won't. You want to 
get rid of me-^-e-e-e-e ! (Flops rather than sits 
in the seat, sobbing) 

Nettleton. (Gritting his teeth and raising his 
hands to heaven) All right ! Then stay where you 
are! 

(Johns enters from l. i, starts to the door u. R.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Sees Johns as he is about c 
Warns Nettleton in a shrill voice) George! 

Nettleton. (Makes a mad dash and intercepts 
the astonished Johns at c.) Never mind, Boggs; 
I'll answer that. 

Johns. (In amazement) What! You? 

Nettleton. (Impatiently; yells at Johns, imi- 
tating his tone) Yes, me-e-e ! Can't I answer my 
own door-bell? (As Johns stands looking at him 
with a blank expression on his face, Nettleton 



A PAIR OF SIXES. ^7 

yells at him in a furious voice) What's the matter 
with you? Clear out I 

Johns. Yes, sir. (As he reaches the door turns 
and gives Nettleton an astonished look, exits and 
slams the door) 

Nettleton. (Starts after him) Why — 
you 

Mrs. Nettleton. (PVarningly) George! 

Nettleton. (Stops; obtains control of himself, 
turns to Mrs. Nettleton with a bow) Thank 
you! (Takes out the little red book and makes en- 
try as he goes to the door u. r. Nettleton exits 
u. R.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Crosses to the settee l. and 
sits; speaks as she walks) I don't know what she 
wants to come here for, anyway, and uspet every- 
thing — (Nettleton and Florence are heard off 
u. R. exchanging greetings) My nose is all red — 
(Takes a small pozvder puff and mirror from her 
hand-bag and powders her nose, then replaces 
them ) There, now that's all right I 

Nettleton. (Holds the door open for Flor- 
ence, who runs to center, Nettleton follows her 
as far as the table R., puts her bag, which he carries, 
on the table) Here she is, darling! Here she is ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Springs to her feet, goes 
quickly to Florence with radiant cordiality. 
Kisses her, then they hold hands and look at each 
other) Why — Florence ! 

Florence. (Returning the embrace and the 
kiss) Why, Nellie ! You dear old thing ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. I'm so glad you've come; IVe 
just been longing for you from the very minute I 
asked dear old George to write you ! 

Nettleton. (Aside, as he takes a step d. r.) 
Oh, my God ! 

Florence. Have you ? How lovely ! And how 
well you're looking ! 



88 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Mrs. Nettleton. Am I ? And how v/e!l you're 
looking ! 

Florence. {Turning to Nettleton) And how 
well dear old George is looking. Shall I kiss him, 
too? {Turns to Mrs. Nettleton. Nettleton 
looks at Mrs. Nettleton and grins) 

Mrs. Nettleton. What? {As Florence turns 
she is all smiles) Why certainly — if you like — 
{Starts down l., speaks aside) Well — of all the — ■ 
{At the soimd of the kiss as Florence kisses the 
unwilling Nettleton) George! {As Florence 
looks at her, she laughs foolishly. Nettleton 
tries to laugh, too) 

Florence. {Sits l. of the table r.) There! 
(Smiles at them) Now I feel at home! 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Forced laugh) Yes — so it 
seems. {Glares stealthily at Nettleton) But 
since you are at home, I won't make company of 
you. {Goes to the table l., gets things) I'm going 
up to dress for dinner. 

Florence. To dress? Good gracious! My 
trunk isn't here and I haven't a single thing ! Are 
there going to be guests for dinner ? 

Nettleton. Just home folks. {Coyly) Van is 
coming over. 

Florence. Van? Oh well, I don't mind him. 
Will The here? 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Rather hysterically) 
T-T-T- {Laughs and takes a few steps l.) 

Florence. I've written him seven times and 
haven't heard one solitary word. Not even w^hen 
I wired him! 

Nettleton. {Laughing) Yes, he'll be here. 

Florence. {Rather mystified) Has he been at 
the office? 

Nettleton. Well, no ! He's been on a sort of a 
holiday! {Goes to lean on the table, misses. Mrs. 
Nettleton glares at him) 

Florence. Oh! Where did he go? 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 89 

Nettleton. He didn't say! {Laughs. Mrs. 
Nettleton is very uncomfortable) 

Florence. What is it, George? (Rising) Oh, 
/ know. You and NeUie are giving a birthday 
dinner to dear old T. 

Nettleton. {Laughs at the idea) That's it. 
Especially for dear old T. 

Florence. {Sits) What's the joke? 

Nettleton. Nothing, only with Van and T both 
clamoring for your heart and hand, I was wonder- 
ing how you'd manage them. 

Florence. {Rises, step to c.) Nonsense 1 
They are just two silly boys and I don't care a fig 
for either. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Crosses to Florence, 
catches her hand, holds the ring up to view) No? 
And how about this ring ? 

Florence. {Jerking hand away and hiding the 
ring) Stop it! That ring was given me by my 
own, own, uncle — as a consolation for being an old 
maid. {Laughs and holds out hand) Think it 
pretty ? 

Mrs. Nettleton. Yes, beautiful, but we are 
wasting time. You talk to George while I dress 
2,n6.— {Starts to take Florence to Nettleton, 
changes her mind, and takes her to the stairs) I 
mean, suppose you come along with me, dearest, 
and we'll have a nice, old-fashioned chat. 

Florence. All right; splendid; come along! 

{They go up on the first landing; Mrs. Nettleton 
lets Florence precede her.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Turns quickly to Nettle- 
ton. Loud whisper) Hm! Enjoyed your little 

kiss, didn't you? o, 1 , 1 m, 1 

Nettleton. {Same tone) Sh-h-h, she 11 hear 
you ! {Loud voice as Florence turns) Run along. 



90 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

girls ! I've got to go up, too, to shave. 

Florence. Good! And if Nellie doesn't mind 
— rU hold your shaving mug. (Exits up the 
stairs, laughing) 

Nettleton. (Quickly grabs the hag and starts 
for the stairs) Til be right up. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Takes the bag away from 
Nettleton as he comes up on the stairs) I think, 
Mr. Nettleton, you had better shave in the bath- 
room. (Exits up the stairs) 

(Nettleton exits up the stairs after Mrs. Nettle- 
ton, as Johns enters with the coal scuttle 
L. I. Nettleton laughs at Johns.) 

Johns. (Takes the collars off the floor and 
throws them into the coal scuttle. He goes up l. of 
the table l. and puts the coal scuttle in the fire- 
place. Florence laughs off l.) My God! That 
laugh! (Crosses excitedly to r. c.) Oh, but it 
couldn't be ! It couldn't! 

Coddles. (Appearing suddenly from L. i and 
running to center. Holds three letters behind her 
back) Sh-h-h, Mr. Boggs, sir ! 

Johns. (Down below the table R.) Well, what 

is it? 

Coddles. I got a secret for you, sir. (As Johns 
moves away from her in alarm) No, it hain't 
about me, sir. 

Johns. (Relieved) Oh ! 

Coddles. A gentleman x:ome hup from the office, 
sir, but 'e couldn't wait. 

Johns. Well? 

Coddles. It was about your mail ! 

Johns. (Sharply) What's that? 

Coddles. Yes, sir, 'e says that every day 'e's 
been a-puttin' 'em on the marster's desk a-thinkin' 
as 'ow the marster would bring 'em 'ome to you. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 91 

Johns. And he held back my letters, my mail! 
Well, contract or no contract, I'm — (Doubles up 
fists, starts towards the stairs) 

Coddles. {Throws arms about Johns to pre- 
vent him from going up the stairs. He szvings her 
around and breaks her grip) Ho! Mr. Boggs, sir. 
Mr. Boggs, sir. Don't! 

Johns. {Shaking her off) Keep away, will 
you? Keep away! (Coddles exhibits the letters) 
Ah ! You've got them ! My letters — give 'em here ! 

Coddles. {Runs, with Johns in pursuit. Cod- 
dles runs to l., then up l. of the table l., then to 
extreme R., down r. of the table r., then up l. c, 
turns and confronts Johns with letters, Johns 
pursues Coddles as far as the table l., then chases 
her around the table r., and he finishes in front of 
the table r. Coddles calls coyly as he gives pur- 
suit) You can't catch me — you can't catch me! 
{As she stops and faces him) I've got me fingers 
crossed ! I've got m.e fingers crossed I 

Johns. You've got your wires crossed. 

Coddles. ^Vot's they worth to you, Mr. Bogjs, 
sir? {Snickers) 

Johns. Worth? (Coddles snickers crd drazvs 
her sleeve over her mouth. Johns makes face. 
Looks to see if anyone is looking, goes to her, bends 
over as if to kiss her; she raises her lips to receive 
the kiss, and he jerks the letters azvay and goes r. 
Speaks sharply) Nothing! 

Coddles. {Goes a few steps dozvn l., twisting 
her apron and screivs up her face as though she 
were going to cry. Speaks in a tearful voice) I 
knowed they was from another woman — {Dabbing 
her eyes zvith the corner of her apron, zvhile Johns 
tears open the letters and reads) I knowed by the 
color of 'em — and the sv/eet smell of 'cm — that 
they come from some young 'uzzy — (Whimpers) 

Johns. (Looking up from the letter in irrita- 



92 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

tion) No, they don't! They come from my — my 
oldest daughter! (Returns to letter) 

Coddles. (Stops whimpering, her features 
spread into a grin) Do they now? Dearie me! 
(Begins to edge over to him) Hexcuse me, sir, but 
I just want to harsk you somethink — most particu- 
lar. 

Johns. (Crossly) Oh, what is it? 

Coddles. This 'ere. (Clasps her hands and 
looks at him appealingly) Wot hever become of 
them three lydies? 

Johns. (Bewildered, hand to forehead) Three 
ladies — what three ladies ? 

Coddles. Why, them wot you was married to — 
Hat different times, sir. (Snickers and pidls her 
apron) 

Johns. (As it dawns on him) Oh! Those! 
(Grins) Coddles! (Sternly) I'll tell you — they 
came to violent ends — all of them ! 

Coddles. Did they now? Dearie me! But hif 
Hi was one of them ]\Irs. Boggscs 

Johns. (Catches her by the wi'ist and fakes her 
down the stage a step. In a fierce tone to the 
frightened Coddles) Hold on there! (Looks at 
her sternly) Do you know what became of the 
last one — the third unhappy Mrs. Boggs? 

Coddles. (Trembling. Speaks timidly) No, 
sir; wot? 

Johns. (Illustrating it) T hung her by the 
heels and skinned her! (Watches Coddles nar- 
rowly for the effect) 

Coddles. (Is unnerved for the moment. Gasps, 
swallows. Then regaining her composure, grins at 
him and speaks coyly) Yes, sir. Veay likely, sir. 
An' I'll bet 3^ou a tuppence she jolly well de- 
served it! (Grins her broadest at him. Johns' 
face falls in despair) But if Hi 'rd been one of 
them Mrs. Boggses, sir, an' — (She attempts to put 
her arms about him) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 93 

Johns. (Throws her roughly off) Oh, hell, 
what's the use? Get out! (Sinks in chair r. of the 
table R.) 

Coddles. (Looks at him reproachfully, then 
waddles to L. i, turns at door, looks at Boggs) 
My conscience 1 Some men his hawful 'ard to take 
a 'int, an' that one — (Indicates Johns, and raises 
eyes to heaven) My Gawd — ^you got to 'it *im in 
the 'ead with a 'atchetl (Exits L. i, in disgust; 
door bell off stage) 

Johns. (Choking with rage as he opens the let- 
ters) Written on the eighteenth, and this is the 
twenty- fourth 

Nettleton. (Calling from off stage L.) 
B-o-g-g-s ! 

Johns. (Imitating Nettleton) Y-e-s! 
(Jumps up and runs to stairs, calling loudly) Sir ! 

Nettleton. (Off-stage l., savagely) Why the 
devil don't you answer that door-bell ? 

Johns. (At the foot of the stairs, bawls) Be- 
cause I though you'cl taken on that job yourself ! 

Nettleton. Well, you count that as another 
hundred — for impertinence — and see who's at that 
door ! _ 

Johns. (Furious) All right! (lakes a step 
towards the door r.) 

Vanderholt. (Enters R. 2; as he sees Johns, 
he points at him and laughs) Oh ! Hello T ! How 
are you? It took you so long to answer the bell, I 
walked right in. (Laughs heartily as he sees the 
butler's uniform. Turns Johns around with his 
right hand as he holds his hat in his left hand. 
Johns resents it. Vanderholt still laughing, 
crosses Johns to r. i) Well, T, this is a bit roue^h 
on you. (Extends his right hand. Johns puts his 
hand out to shake. As he does so, Vanderholt 
laughs and hands him his hat with his left hand) 
A little service, Boggs! (Johns glares at him and 
takes the hat. Vanderholt removes his coat and 



94 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

gives it to Johns. Then goes above the table L. 
and pours himself a drink) Ah! This does look 
cozy! (Turns to Johns, cheerfully) Well, T, 
how goes it? 

Johns. {Throws Vanderholt's hat and coat 
on the floor, on pillows on floor near the windozv 
seat, then comes to Vanderholt) I'm rather glad 
to see you and by yourself ! 

Vanderholt. (Coming down r. of the table L. 
to front of same. (Slips highball) You flatter me. 
What's the secret? 

Johns. It isn't a secret, it's pretty well wide 
open. I want that contract cancelled and I want 
it done now. (Comes down c.) 

Vanderholt. (Laughs lightly) Cancel your 
contract? Ask me something easy. (Sits on the 
settee) 

Johns. I don't ask it — I demand it ! 

Vanderholt. (Puts his glass on the table l.) 
Now, see here, T — you know perfectly well — that 
agreement can only be annulled by mutual consent. 

Johns. Not when yoit drew it. 

Vanderholt. No ! 

Johns. And you call yourself a lawyer! 

Vanderholt. (Smiling) Well, I manage to 
make a living. 

Johns. But how? By drawing up illegal con- 
tracts. 

Vanderholt. What's that? And why is yours 
illegal? 

Johns. Because all the advantages are on his 
side. Any court will see it. 

Vanderholt. (Rises) All right then, if I don't 
know my business, suppose you consult some other 
lawyer. (Few steps l., turns, smiles at Johns) 

Johns. (Bitterly) I can't. If I told a lawyer 
— or anybody else — it would cost me five thousand 
dollars cash. You put that in, as a special clause. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 



95 



Vanderholt. {Laughs; goes to Johns) And 
you signed the agreement. You go into a thing be- 
cause you think you've got the big soft end of it, 
but when you find you haven't, you put up a howl. 
If you don't Hke the contract — break it! {Dis- 
misses the subject tvith a zuave of the hand; goes 
a few steps l.) 

Johns And forfeit all my Interest in the busi- 
ness? Another of your infernal clauses! That's 
the way you've tied me up ! That's what you have 
done to me. ^But I'll tell you there are two things 
that are not in the contract 

Vanderholt. {Laughs) Good Lord! Did I 
forget something? What are they? {Goes to 
Johns) 

Johns. First, my personal mail. George has 
been holding it at the office, and no matter what it 
costs me, /'m going — to — punch — his — nose! 

Vanderholt. Oh! Held your mail, did he? 
Well, T, I agree with you, that isn't exactly fair. 
I'll speak to George about it. What's your other 
grievance? {Few steps l.) 

Johns. Florence ! 

Vanderholt. Florence? V/ell, what about 
Florence ? 

Johns. {Pointing finger) You arranged for 
Nellie to know about the contract and you've got to 
arrange for Florence to know. 

Vanderholt. Why? 

Johns. Because you've put me in a hole. I 
can't even write to her without lying; and I'm not 
going to lie to her. {Crosses to r. c.) 

Vanderholt. {Thoughtfully) Um — I see. 
Well — if that's what you want, you'll have to ar- 
range it with George. 

Johns. {Goes to Vanderholt) Meaning that 
you won't do it! 

Vanderholt. No — I won't. {Turns away) 



r6 A PAIR OF SIXES. 



Johns. (Angrily. Shakes his fist at Vander- 
holt) And I know why — because you planned it! 
Deliberately! To put me out of the running and 
get the inside track yourself ! 

Vanderholt. (Wheeling sharply) Hold up 
there! Don't make me lose my temper. You had 
a fair deal, didn't you? (Johns makes an impa- 
tient movement) And an outside party cut the 
cards. Suppose you had won and George had be- 
come your butler? 

Johns. Wouldn't Florence want to know whyf 
(Complaining tone) That's what I claim! You've 
jobbed me — got me going and you've got me com- 
ing! (Illustrates it) But I know a why to force 
you to tell her — and I won't break the contract 
either. 

Vanderholt. How ? 

Johns. I'm going to telegraph Florence to-day 
saying I am safe and well and for further informa- 
tion please apply to Mr. Thomas J. Vanderholt, 
referee. (Gases at Vanderholt in triumph) 

Vanderholt. Wha — (Puts up his hand) Oh, 
no, you don't ! You 

Johns. (Checking him) And v/hen that little 
lady comes down from Albany — it's nighty-night 
for you! (Waves good-bye at Ya-^d-eruo'lt. Van- 
derholt pauses thoughtfully) Well — will you tell 
her? 

Vanderholt. (Faces him, his jaw set) No? 
My interest in Miss Florence is a personal matter, 
not mentioned in the contract — (Stops Johns as he 
starts to speak) But if you give information even 
leading toward the contract — it would be equiv- 
alent to a direct violation. 

Johns. (Raises his voice) It wouldn't at all. 

It 

Vanderholt. (Drowns his voice) In your 
opinion— (Jauntily) But as referee, with power 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 97 

to decide all questions of dispute, I'm afraid I 
should decide the point against you. Get it ? Keep 
it! {Slaps Johns on the chest and walks to l., 
laugliing heartily) 

Johns. (Boiling) All right! Then I'll find 
some other way to get you, if it lands me in a hos- 
pital. {Raises his clenched fists and his voice) 
And as for George B. Nettleton— I'll 

Nettleton. {Calling from off-stage 'l.) Boggs! 
(Johns at once conies to attention. Vanderholt 
laughs) Is that Mr. Vanderholt down there? 

Vanderholt. {Runs up to the steps. Laugh- 
ing at Johns and calling up to Nettleton. Johns 
goes to the door l. i) Yes! Hello, George! 
How are you? 

Nettleton. {From off-stage l.) Tip-top, 
thanks ! Be down in a minute ; tell Boggs to serve 
the cocktails 1 

(Johns grits his teeth.) 

Vanderholt. {Comes down-stage to r. of the 
table L.) Boggs, your master's voice! (Johns 
looks daggers at Vanderholt) By the way, of 
course you understand — there'll be a nominal fee 
of fifty dollars for legal consultation. 

Johns, (l. of the table l., beside himself with 
rage) What! I won't pay it, you get that! 
(Shouts) I won't !^ What do you and George 
think I am, a gold minef 

Nettleton. (Comes downstairs to c, speaks as 
he appears) Why, Boggs! (Vanderholt crosses 
to R.) How dare you assume that attitude toward 
my guests? Remember your position. (Points to 
L., speaks sternly) Go get those cocktails. (Comes 
to R. of the table l.) 

Johns. All right! (With spirit) But say! 
And get out your little red book. I'm going through 



98 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

with that contract, no matter what you do to me. 
But in one year — if I'm still alive — I'm going to 
crawl all over you ! Both of you ! Why, you 

(Nettleton fakes out the red hook; Johns stops 
short, coughs, and exits t meekly L. i. Nettle- 
ton and Vanderholt laugh.) 

Vanderholt. George — ^aren't you a little rough 
on him ? 

Nettleton. (Airily) Oh, no! One always 
has trouble with one's servants. 

Vanderholt. Well, he has got grit ! Come on, 
now ; give the devil his due ! 

Nettleton. I do. He's pretty rank, I will ad- 
mit, but he is a much better butler than he is a 
businessman. (Crosses to l.) 

Vanderholt. All right, it's "not my funeral. 
(Crosses to table r., picks up book) What's the 
little surprise you had for me ? 

Florence. (Appearing at the head of the stairs) 
Oho! (Calls) Good-evening, Mr. Vanderholt! 

Vanderholt. (Running to the foot of the 
stairs) Why, Miss Florence! (As she comes 
'down, shakes her hands and they both come 
down c. ) This is a pleasure ! When did you get to 
town? 

Florence. (Beaming) Just came. And right 
on time for T's birthday party. (Nettleton sings 
and laughs. Vanderholt hums and goes r. 
Florence looks at them in surprise) Well, what 
is it? 

Vanderholt. (Going to Florence. Speaks a 
trifle nervously) Oh, nothing — nothing — only — 
(Forced laugh) I was so pleasurably astonished 
at seeing you, that it knocked everything out of my 
head. 

Florence. Oh, you flatterer! (Goes a few 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 99 

steps to Nettleton) George ! Is there anything I 
can put my violets in? {Goes to the mantel look- 
ing for vase) 

Nettleton. Why, certainly — {Up L. of table l. 
to the hell which is r. of the stairs on the wall. 
Rings same) I'll ring for the butler! 

(Vanderholt and Nettleton signal each other 
when Florence is not looking.) 

Florence. (As she sees the vase on the mantel 
L.) No, no, no! Don't trouble. Here's some- 
thing ! {Goes to above the table l. after getting the 
vase from the mantel) 

Nettleton. {Beating a hasty retreat up the 
stairs) No trouble I assure you. In fact, it will be 
a pleasure to him, especially to him. Excuse me — 

(Nettleton and Vanderholt signal wildly to each 
other. Nettleton exits quickly up the stairs 
and Vanderholt puts his hand over his 
mouth to keep from laughing and disappears 

R. I.) 

Florence. (Hums a bit of a late song, softly, as 
she fills the vase with vichy and puts the violets 
in it. Crosses to the table R., puts the vase on same, 
and stands admiring the effect. As Johns enters 
from L. I with a tray upon which are the two 
cocktails ordered by his master. He reaches c. be- 
fore either is aware of the presence of the other. 
Both become cognizant of the fact at the same time. 
Florence turns quickly. Johns, zvith a gulp drops 
the cocktails on the floor and turning sideways to 
Florence attempts to hide his identity by holding 
the tray, a small one, over the right side of his face. 
He stands shaking and breathing hard. Florence, 
with a startled scream, rushes to Johns and puUs 
the tray away from his face. He bows his head m 



100 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

shame) T! (Pause as she gazes wildly at him 
unable to grasp it) T! What does this mean? 
Those awful clothes! (Sharply, as she wrings her 
hands) And those horrible side whiskers ! (Johns 
makes a feeble attempt to cover the whiskers) 
Where have you been? 

Johns. (Tries to explain; his mouth opens; I^e 
makes the movements, but no sound accompanies it. 
Finally with a desperate effort and nearly choking, 
he gets out the words) Here for — two v/ecks! 
(The strain on Johns is so great that his knees 
tremble) 

Florence. Here? But I heard that you were 
on a holiday. 

Johns, (l. a step. Laughs rather hysterically) 
Holiday — ha, ha ! 

Florence. What? You were neither away nor 
at your office and never told me a single thing? 
(Coming to him) Then tell me now. 

Johns. Florence — (He turns to her impulsively, 
stops, and turns azvay) 

Florence. Oh, T, v/hat Is it? I haven't had 
one line or word and I've just been waiting — v/ait- 
ing 



Johns. (Swings tray gently to and fro) So 
have I ! 

Florence. (Almost crying) But how — why? 
Darling — tell me — please ! 

Johns. Florence — I can't! 

Florence. (Back a step) You — mean ycu 
won't! (As he makes no answer) Then Til iird 
out! (Runs on the stairs — second step) George! 
Van! Where are you? (Johns starts out l. en 
tiptoe. Florence turns and catches him. Calls 
sharply to him. Stamps foot) T, come back here ! 
(Johns gives a nervous start and stops. Florence 
goes to Johns — in szveetest tone, pleads with h'n) 
Darling! What can it mean? Is there anything 



A PAIR OF SIXES. loi 

you could conceal from me? {Comes to him, puts 
hands on his chest) Don't you know I love you — 
with all my heart ! And I have been worrying till 
I'm almost ill — and the moment George wrote me 
asking me to come 

Johns. {Fiercely) What's that? George 
wrote you — asked you here? (Johns starts for the 
stairs with doubled fists) Oh, wait till I get hold 
of him 1 

Florence. {Intercepting him. Catching his 
coattails, they swing around) Darling! Don't! 
Please I Listen 

Johns. {Coming down-stage, fuming) He did 
it — on purpose. 

Florence. Did what? You tell me nothing and 
I'm all upset. No answer to my letters — no an- 
swer, to me, the woman who is to be your wife. 
{Pathetically) And I find you here in buttons — 
(Johns turns away, slightly to r., and trys to cover 
the buttons) and a pair of unspeakable monkey 
whiskers — (Johns puts his hand over the whisk- 
ers on the right side of his face. Florence rings 
her hands wildly, takes a few steps r., turns and 
speaks hopefully) Oh! Oh! It's a joke — tell me 
—isn't it? 

Johns. {Smiles bitterly; shakes head sadly) 
A joke? No, Florence — that's the worst guess 
you've made yet. 

Florence. {Draws back a step) Oh, I see! 
Then it's something you're ashamed of? 

Johns. {Turning resolutely) No, I'm not 
ashamed; and if you'll only truf.t me — and wait 
for me 

Florence. How long? 

Johns. Er — eleven months and two weeks. 

Florence. {Steps back) Eleven m on — I won't! 
I want to know now! {He again makes movement 
to tell her, then makes helpless gesture and turns 



102 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

away. Florence takes on a more severe tone) 
Don't carry this thing too far; I haven't a temper 
for nothing! {Tearfully) And if you're trying 
wilfully to make me angry or humiliated 

Johns. {Anguish in his voice) Florence! 

Florence. {Relenting) No, no, no, forgive 
me! I've been so happy, loving you, and trusting 
you. Won't you trust me — and tell me everything? 

Johns. {With determination) Will I? {Puts 
the tray under his arm, takes a long breath, and 
makes great preparation to tell her. Motions her 
to come to his side, then puts his arms out to de- 
scribe it) I came into this house — (Florence 
leans against him; nods at him to go on) The con- 
ditions were — {Pauses. Florence urges him on. 
He takes another breath) Whereby — (Another 
breath) Inasmuch as — {At this point Johns goes 
to pieces; his courage leaves entirely; he shakes 
his head miserably and in a broken voice speaks to 
Florence) I can't! (Johns turns away from 
Florence and hangs his head) 

Florence. {Furiously; draws back from him) 
Very well, Mr. Johns, since you've brought it on 
yourself, there's but one thing to do — {Turns from 
him — speaks aside) As hard as it is to do it. 
{Bites her lips, takes off the ring, goes to him, 
holds it out for him to take. As Johns does not 
take it, she gently raises his arm; he opens his hand; 
Florence reluctantly places the ring in it) I don't 
want it; take it! I don't want it, I don't — {She 
half holds out her hand to take the ring back, when 
Johns closes his hand. Florence begins to cry) 
want it, I don't want it ! {Runs and jumps in the 
big armchair R. of the table r., lands on her knees 
in the chair on the last word, with her back to the 
audience) 

Johns. {Heartbroken) Thank you. {Goes to 
the door l. i, turns and holds out ring) This is the 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 103 

first little thing of actual value — that has come my 
^vay — for two whole weeks. (Holds out the tray, 
places tJie ring on it, and exits l. i) 

Flokence. {Rises quickly as Johns exits. 
Tearfully) Oh, it can't be true! It can't! It's 
too impossible! (Runs to the door l. i) T dar- 
ling— T, I didn't mean it; won't you please come 
back? {Door opens and Florence steps upstage 
a bit. and Johns enters zvlth dustpan and whisk- 
broom; marches to c, sweeps up the broken cock- 
tail glasses, then marches out. Exits l. i, light 
doo/ slam) For the love of Mike! (Angrily) 
Oh! How perfectly disgusting! (She runs up to 
the first landing on stairs and calls) George! 
George Nettleton — you come down here at once! 
(Nettleton enters, follozued by Mrs. Nettleton 
by way of the stairs. Florence goes to front of 
the table R., then back to c.) Now, George— and 
you too, Nellie, I want to know what this means ! 

Nettleton. (Goes to l. of the table r. Mrs. 
Nettleton goes down-stage l. of the table l to 
front of same) Goodness ! Why the excitem.ent— 
what — what means? 

Florence. (Furiously) There's no use trying 
to evade me. Sit down— (Nettleton sits. Mrs. 
Nettleton remains standing. Sharply) Both of 
you ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Elevating her eyebrows) 
And in my house! o- j 

Florence. (Raising her voice) Sit down! 
(Mrs. Nettleton does so) Now! Why is it I 
find one of mv personal friends— as butler in your 
household? (She looks from one to the other) 

Vanderholt. (Enters from the library R. I 
and crosses above the table R. to Florence) Miss 
Florence, if you'll permit an outsider to— er 

Florence. (Looking at him coldly) Never 
mind, Mr. Vanderholt. Will you please sit down, 
too? 



104 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Vanderiiolt. (Taken by surprise) Oh — ha, ha 
—yes — certainly — with pleasure! (Goes back of 
the table R. to r. of same. In innocent voice to 
Nettleton, with a note of appeal in it) What's 
the trouble, George? (Sits r. of the table) 

Florence. (Sharply) Mm! Another Mr. In- 
nocence ! Now, George Nettleton, I want my ques- 
tion answered. 

Nettleton. (Nervously) Well, Florence, I'd 
like to — really — but to tell you the truth, there is 
only one person I know of — who can afford to an- 
swer. 

Florence. You mean T — (Bites her lip and cor- 
rects herself) Mr. Johns? (Nettleton nods) 
I've asked him! 

Nettleton. (Springs from his seat; shouts) 
What? He told you? 

Florence. (Sharply) No, he didn't! 

Nettleton. (Disappointed tone) Oh, what a 
pity! (Flops into his seat, rests his elbow on the 
table, and his head on his hand) 

Florence. But — you seem to lose sight of the 
fact — all three of you— of the most important 
point. As for Mr. Johns, he means nothing to me — ■ 
abso-lutely nothing! I'm demanding this explan- 
ation not on his account, but mine ! 

Nettleton. (Goes quickly to Florence, Mrs. 
Nettleton following his example; all three speak 
together until Johns enters) Well, Florence, in 
that case — if you are not personally interested in 
T, what difference does it make whether he is a 
butler or not ? 

Mrs. Nettleton. Just don't worry about it, 
dear; everything will all com.e out all right and as 
soon as I can tell you I will. 

Florence. I don't care! There's something 
wrong about it and I tell you I'm going to find out. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 105 

{All stop quickly as Johns enters l. i with a tray 
of cocktails (four). He holds the tray out to 
Mrs. Nettleton, who takes two, gives one to 
Florence. Nettleton reaches for one and 
Johns lowers the tray slightly and Nettleton 
grabs the air, Johns walks to Vanderholt, 
who takes a cocktail) 

Vanderholt. (Laughing) Thank you, T! 
(Johns goes up r., then back of the table r. to 
Nettleton, on whom he jabs in the small of the 
back with the tray as he is looking back at the 
laughing Vanderholt. Nettleton refuses the 
cocktail. Laughs) Better take one, George; you 
need it. (Nettleton takes one. All look at Johns 
as he exits solemly l. i. Mrs. Nettleton goes to 
front of the settee L.) Well, here's to the ladies! 
(Rises and holds up his glass. No one drinks) 
What's the matter, George? Aren't you indulging? 

Nettleton. (Smelling the cocktail and putting 
it on the table R.) Not that one. I don't like the 
looks of it. (Vanderholt laughs) 

Florence. (Puts her cocktail on the table l.) 
Now, if you please, we'll continue. (All sit at the 
same time, except Florence. Nettleton l. of 
the table r. Mrs. Nettleton on the settee. Van- 
derholt R. of the table r. ) I was about to say that 
not one of you seems to realize this insult to me. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Rising) Insult? 

Vanderholt. (Rising) To you? 

Nettleton. (Rising. All three must rise at the 
same time and the same speed) How? 

Florence. (Sharply, as she stamps her foot) 
Sit dozvn! (All sit at the same time and with the 
same speed) By inviting me here, both you and 
Nellie, for the sole purpose of seeing me mortified 
— and shamed! 

Mrs. Nettleton. (In a pathetic injured tone) 



io6 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Why, darling, how unjust you are! I didn't ask 
you ; my husband did ! 

Florence. {Steps to her) No? And not half 
an hour ago, to quote your own exact words, you 
had just been longing for me — from the very first 
minute you asked dear old George to write me. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Trying to cover — rises, 
whimpers) George! (Nettleton jumps up nerv- 
ously) Take the horrid thing! {Holds out the 
cocktail glass) I've spilt it all over my new dress ! 

(Nettleton runs to her, gets the cocktail, and 
places it on the table R. Sits,) 

Florence. I'm glad you did ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Stamps her foot. Sits 
settee) 

Florence. I'm also glad that I haven't broken 
bread under this hateful roof ! And now, George 
Nettleton, I'm going to a hotel. {A step or two to 
Nettleton, then up to the first landing on the 
steps) 

Vanderholt. {Goes up r., then to the steps) 
One minute. Miss Florence, if you'd only 

Florence. {On the first landing, points finger 
at him) Never mind, Mr. Vanderholt, from your 
look of cherubic innocence, I think you are in this, 
too. 

Vanderholt. {Expostulating) I? Oh, come 
now, Miss Florence, it's hardly fair to put the whole 
blame on me! {Glances at George) 

Nettleton. {Rises) No, and it isn't fair to 
put it all on me! {Glances at Mrs. Nettleton) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Rises, goes few steps to c.) 
And what have I to do with it — nothing — nothing! 
{Addresses Nettleton) And to prove it, I have 
a great mind to tell her the whole thing! {Starts 
up to Florence) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 107 

Nettleton. {Runs to her quickly) Nellie, for 
the Lord's sake, don't! {Takes her down to the 
settee — puts his hand over her mouth, and she bites 
him and then sits on settee) Ouch! {Holds hand 
tenderly and goes down l.) 

{As Vanderholt laughs Florence stops him.) 

Florence. That will do, Mr. Vanderholt! It's 
no laughing matter. That applies to all of you. I 
may not have a vote, but before I get through with 
this affair somebody is going to wish that I was 
wearing breeches. {Exits up the stairs) 

Nettleton. Weough ! Now what are we going 
to do? {To Vanderholt) It's up to you. Van! 
Get at it! 

Vanderholt. {In astonishnent as he comes to 
c.) Me? Why me? 

Nettleton. Why not? You appointed your- 
self as referee — with power to settle all questions 
of dispute. This is a question of dispute. {Does 
Vanderholt business with the cuffs) What are 
you going to do about it? 

Vanderholt. Oh ! Now, naturally, this case Is 
going to call for some pretty nice diplomatic work. 
Of course, you understand, there's be a nominal 
legal fee, but 

"Nettleton. {Excitedly) Oh, to hell with the 
fee! 

Mrs. Nettleton. George! 

Nettleton. I beg your pardon, my dear. {Goes 
to Vanderholt c.) Go on, go on. 

Vanderholt. Thank you. Therefore, I sug- 
gest, that you first take your wife off anywhere and 
leave me here to tackle Florence when she comes 
downstairs. 

Nettleton. Will you? {Grasping his hand) 
You good old Van ! 



io8 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Beginning to weep) No 
one ever seems to consider me — no one! (Sobs; 
uses handkerchief) 

Nettleton. {Turning to her) But, my darling 
child, that's just what we are considering. {Goes 
to Mrs. Nettleton. Vanderholt goes up to the 
window) Now come on, sweetheart, go right up- 
stairs, and lie down — 

(Mrs. Nettleton rises and Nettleton takes her 
up to the stairs.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {As she is about on the 
stairs; stops suddenly) What! Where she is! 
No, no ! 

Nettleton. (Takes her quickly to R.) All 
right, dear; all rightt. We'll go into the library; 
come on, darling, come on ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. (As she nears the door r., 
stops. Weeps) I don't want to go into the library. 
I want to go into the kitcthen. (Nettleton takes 
her L. a few steps and she changes her fiiind once 
again) Because I knovv^ the dinner is burnt to a 
horrible black crisp. 

Nettleton. (Takes her swiftly to r. i. She 
exits weeping. Nettleton stops in the door; 
raises his eyes to heaven) Why go to Germany? 
(Exits) 

Vanderholt. (As Florence comes down the 
stairs with her hat on and her satchel tn her hand) 
Florence! One minute, please! (Stops her c.) 

Florence. (With the hat on one side. Looks at 
him) Well, what is it? 

Vanderholt. First, upon my sacred word of 
honor, I never knew you were here, or coming here, 
until I saw you — do you believe me ? 

Florence. If you say so, yes. (Crosses to front 
of the settee) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 109 

Vanderholt. (Beaming again) Thank you. 
Now, as to "both George and NelUe 

Florence. Wait ! What is your interest in this 
affair ? 

Vanderholt. Purely friendly — diplomatic — 
but principally you! (Starts quickly to Florence) 
Of course, you know, my dear Florence 

Florence. (Checking him) Have I given you 
the right to call me your dear Florence ? 

Vanderholt. (Taken aback) Well, no; but— 
but I'm asking for the right. I'm 

Florence. (Coldly) And why at such a time? 

Vanderholt. I — I didn't intend to — only — er — 
well, you rather forced my hand. (As she looks 
at him sharply) Oh! I didn't mean it that way, 
but— but you see Miss Florence I have a purely 
legal mind, and 

Florence. Very well, we'll put it on a purely 
legal basis. (Flops on settee) Now then, you are 
asking for a certain right. In other Vvords, you 
want to marry me. (As Vanderholt steps back 
and gasps) A hearing for the plea is granted. Go 

on. 

Vanderholt. (Laughing nervously) Thank 
you— I will. Only you— well, you do have a way 
of taking the wind out of a fellow's sails. 

Florence. (Waves her hand) Then paddle. 
You delay proceedings ! 

Vanderholt. All right, I suppose I've got to. 
/^s I er — intimated before I — I h?d no intention of 
making love to you — that is— to-day, but since you 
bring the subject up yourseli— (As she registers) 
I — mean — I — would like some sort of an answer. 

Florence. Very well ; I'll give it. (As he steps 
towards her) But first I want to ask a legal ques- 
tion. 

Vanderholt. Yes ? 

Fforence. (Beckons; he sits beside her) Do 



no A PAIR OF SIXES. 

you think it just or reasonable for two young peo- 
ple — such as you and I — to start out on their 
married life with— with a secret holding them 
apart ? 

Vanderholt. (Steals his arm about her) Well 
— no — they shouldn't. 

Florence. Good! Then — why is T a butler? 

Vanderholt. (Rises quickly, backs away to 
center, holds hands out as if to ward Florence 
ojf. Laughingly) Oh! No, no. Come now, 
Miss Florence, that isn't exactly fair. It isn*t pro- 
fessional for a lawyer in a case to — well — (Sud- 
denly realizes his mistake and trys to stop him- 
self) 

Florence. (IVith a little cry) Ah! So you 
were in it ! (Vanderholt slaps his hands together 
in anger at himself and goes to r.) Good again! 
But since you, too, refuse to tell me — (Rises and 
goes to center) My answer is 

Vanderholt. (Imploringly; goes to her) 
Hold on! Don't (Nervously) Of course, if you 
put it that way, I have no choice but to throw my- 
self on the mercy of the court. (Vanderholt 
crosses back of Florence, up to the stairs, looks 
up, then comes down center, looks L., as Florence 
goes a few steps r., looks to see no one is there, 
then hack to center r. of Vanderholt. Vander- 
holt speaks in a loud whisper, excitedly) Briefly 
it was this : George and T just couldn't get on in 
business and fought like cats and dogs. Each 
claimed that the other was only fit for a servant 
and — there you are! 

Florence. (Pulls his sleeve) Yes — what else? 

Vanderholt. As a friend of both I tried to 
save them the scandal of a law suit and — and so 
they signed an agreement — for one year — and 
played a hand of showdown to see who'd he the 
servant ! 



A PAIR OF SIXES. in 

Florence. And why didn't George tell me that? 

Vanderiiolt. Because by telling any one — he'd 
lose five thousand, cash. 

Florence. {Pretending gayety, to further en- 
trap Vanderiiolt. Laughing) Oh, I see! But it 
was funny! {Doth laugh) And you suggested the 
idea — (Vanderiiolt swells up — nods delightedly) 
How clever of you, Van! 

(Vanderiiolt and Florence laugh heartily.) 

Vanderholt. {More than pleased with Flor- 
ence's approval. Straightens up and in a depre- 
ciative tone, to appear modest, as he struts down 
L.) Oh, I don't know. At least it was a solution 
of the problem! 

Florence. {As Vanderiiolt laughs with her 
and she at him) A perfectly delightful one! 
{They laugh) Of course you drew up the agree- 
ment ? 

Vanderholt. I did, indeed — {Enthusiastically) 
And I tell you, Florence, I sewed it up with twine ! 
{Goes through the motions of sewing. Walks dozvn 
L. and back to Florence) 

Florence. {Glares at him when he turns his 
hack but greets him laughingly as he turns) No 
doubt you did ! Then too you dealt the cards ? 

Vanderholt. {Few steps to her. Chuckling 
and rubbing his hands) Um — hum! George won 
on a pair of sixes. {Laughs. Florence goes to the 
table R., laughs with him) But now that you do 
know, Florence — {Goes to her) ^ 

Florence. {Suddenly becoming sober and freez- 
ing Vanderholt with a look) I'll give my answer. 
{Sits L. of the table R., looks front. Determinedly) 
I wouldn't marry you — if you were the last lone 
man on the face of the earth and — I was fifty-five 
years old? 



112 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Vanderholt. (Steps back a step — pleadingly) 
Florence ! 

Florence. That's all. (Rises; faces him) No, 
not one word! (Points finger at him) The crim- 
inal premeditation — was yours! (Coldly) And 
now, my legal-minded friend, your case is dismissed 
— with costs. 

Vanderholt. (As he goes to the stairs) Not 
quite, your honor. (Turns on the first landing) 
No lawyer or lover should admit defeat until after 
the appeal. 

Florence. No — why not? 

(Johns enters l. i; puts hook on the table L.) 

Vanderholt. For further information, please 
apply to Mr. T Boggs Johns, the man who couldn't 
beat a pair of sixes! (Exits up the steps, lavighing 
at Johns) 

Florence. Come here, T; I want to tell you 
something. 

Johns. (Advancing impulsively to c.) And / 
want to speak to you I Florence — I'm going to tell 
you everything — if it means my last cent on earth — 
my one last crumb of bread — I'm here because — ■ — 

Florence. (Puts hand lightly over his motifh) 
No, no, no! Don't — it's too expensive! (Slyly) 
Besides, I've found out! 

Johns. (Hopefully) Did George tell you? 

Florence. No — you haven't won five thousand 
—yet ! 

Johns. (Drags himself to l. of the table R. 
Sits) Oh ! I thought maybe my luck had turned ! 

Florence. (Going to him) It won't — until you 
turn it. Why do you submit to this ? 

Johns. Submit? I guess you haven't read that 
contract. 

Florence. (Spiritedly) Hang the contract! 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 113 

(Johns looks at her, sighs and shakes head as 
Florence hurries on) The stronger it is the better 
I hke it. It runs for a year, doesn't it? 

Johns. {Gazes into space.. In dispirited tone) 
Yes, for one whole year ! 

Florence. {Simply bursting with enthusiasm at 
her idea) Oh, T, brace up and be a man! {Puts 
hands on Johns' shoulders) To my mind; the 
word man is better than the word master. Why 
don't you turn the tables on him ? 

Johns. {Does not get the idea. Blankly) Turn 
'em on George — how? 

Florence. {Impatiently) What's his weakest 
point ? 

Johns. {Looks at her miserably. Speaks in a 
weak voice) I don't know. 

Florence. {Beats time with her finger as she 
speaks) What's — any — poor — married idiot's — 
weakerst — point f 

Johns. {Shakes his head) I don't know — I 
don't — {Suddenly) Flis wifef 

Florence. {Laughs approvingly) Of course — 
his wife. {Earnestly and zvith speed) That's 
where you've got to hit him — hard! As long as you 
are miserable, he's happy. Make him UNHAPPY. 
Serve him and serve him well — with energy and 
diligence ! But always with a smile. And George 
will wonder why. Keep close to Nellie. (Johns 
smiles) But not too close — {Runs swiftly to 
Johns, sits on his knee and zvraps arms about him. 
Johns hugs her and shakes his head) mind you, 
for I'll be looking on. But hit him, T, and hit him 
where he lives. He wants you to break the con- 
tract. {Rises, goes to c, faces him) Make him 
break it ! Do you get me ? 

Johns. {Grinning) Yes, I do! 

Florence. Then go to it and — get him — but 
don't forget tosmile ! 



114 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Johns. (Opens his arms) Florence, my queen ! 

(Florence runs to him, they kiss three times, 
Florence on his knee. Coddles enters from 
L. I, takes in the situation, and emits a scream 
which grows, and she tnakes her way to right 
stage. Florence laughs and runs up on the 
first landing. Nettleton runs on from r., 
humps into the screaming Coddles, who exits 
R. Mrs. Nettleton follows Nettleton and 
stands r. stage. Vanderholt runs down the 
stairs as Coddles enters from l. and goes down- 
stage L. of the table l. to front of same, Johns 
laughs loudly, and drinks cocktails as he 
laughs.) 

Nettleton. Boggs, what have you done to Cod- 
dles? 

Johns. Coddles? (Leans back in the chair. 
Laughs uproariously) 

Nettleton. (Getting out the little red book) 
Stop that ! Do you hear me — what the devil does it 
mean ? 

Johns. (Puts his feet on the fable, laughing) 
Say, George; just charge me up with another hun- 
dred, will you ? I can't tell you why, but it's worth 
it! (Starts to drink the cocktail) 

Nettleton. (Makes note in book) He's 
drunk! Van, make a legal note of that! He's 
drunk ! 

CURTAIN. 

(Ring on "Ifs worth it" — Calls fast.) 

(Second Curtain — Johns still laughing and almost 
out of his seat.) 

(Third Curtain — Company. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 115 

{Fourth Curiam — Mrs. Nettleton.) 

{Fifth Curtain — Mr. Vanderholt.) 

{Sixth Curtain — Coddles.) 

{Seventh Curtain — Florence.) 

{Eighth Curtain — Johns and Nettleton.) 

{Hold the curtain until after the partners bow— 
they make faces at each other — Ring.) 

ACT III. 

Scene : — The same as Second Act 

Time: — A week later. Evening. 

MUSIC AT RISE :—" Somebody else is getting it." 

Johns. {Enters at rise from l. i with tray of 
tea things, takes them to small table R., carries the 
duster under his left arm. Jopins takes up the song 
"Somebody else is getting it" where the orchestra 
leaves off and does a dance step as he crosses stage. 
Trips lightly to the table R., dusts a chair, and goes 
to table L., dusts the 'phone, takes the receiver off 
the hook, dusts. Speaks into the 'phone, holds re- 
ceiver to ear, left hand) Hello! What's that? 
Oh, no, just dusting the 'phone, sweetheart; that's 
all, good-bye. {One step to the frame cards on the 
table R., dusts, sings " Somebody else ") Ah ! Two 
little sixes and a torn queen. 

Coddles. (Coddles comes down the stairs with 
dustcloth, puzzled to see Johns in a good humor) 
Mr. Boggs, sir! 

Johns. {Laughs) Ah! Hello, Coddles, are 
you there? 



ii6 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Coddles. (Comes to the table l.) Ho, Mr. 
Boggs, sir, wot makes you so hawful 'appy ? 

Johns. {Goes few steps to Coddles) I — happy, 
am I? {Smiles at Coddles, twirls duster) 

Coddles. (Coyly) Ho, yes, sir, hit's just been 
growin' hon you for the larst 'ole week. (Clasps 
hands, advances a step to Johns) Hit hain't on 
my account, now his it? 

Johns. (Lightly) Coddles, to be honest, we 
must oft be cruel. It is not on your account. 

Coddles. (Disappointedly) No? Wot then? 

Johns. Sh-h-h! (Glancing about and speaking 
mysteriously) It's because^I have arrived! 
(Strikes pose) 

Coddles. (Blankly) Harrlved, sir? Where? 

Johns. Here ! I have never reaHzed till now 
the joy of being out in service. To watch ! Antici- 
pate an every yish. (Bowing) To serve! (As 
Coddles watches him, stepping back slowly) Love, 
fortune, marriage ? Bah ! I only ask a serviceable 
feather duster — and a good, kind, loving master. 

Coddles. (In amazement) The marster, sir? 
Hour marster? Ho, Lud! I thought you was 
a-callin' 'im a ragin' Haf rican 'iena ! 

Johns. (Does dance step to c.) Oh, Coddles! 
You are dreaming; he's a dove! There's nothing 
that man wouldn't do for me — if he had the chance. 
Why, only yesterday, when he threw the inkwell, he 
did it so gently that it only broke the skin — (Cod- 
dles blinks at him) and if I could only acquire your 
delicious Hinglish haccent, I believe it would please 
the marster varstly. (Hums '' Somebody else is get- 
ting it," dances to the door R. i, dusts same, then the 
door u. R., then goes to the window, stabs one of the 
flowers three times) 

Coddles. (Drops down l. c, turns hack to the 
house, watches Johns; frightened; puts one liand 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 117 

to mouth, catches her apron with the other; the third 
time Johns stahs the flower Coddles turns to the 
audience and addresses them in sorrowful tone) 
Ah, the poor nut. 'E's gone dippy in the 'ead! 
{Goes up L. c.) Hexcuse me, sir, but I know of a 
doctor, wot comes to see me for the cramps; 'e's 
hawful good, sir; nan' hinexpensive, too. Han' hif 
you would only let him see you, sir, per'aps 'e might 
save you from a spell. 

Johns. {Creeps to Coddles with a look that 
causes Coddles to tremble at the knees) Ha, ha! 
Now, Codlums, don't! {Twirls the duster, tickles 
her face, and feet. Coddles jumps, laughs, half 
pleased, and frightened) 

Coddles. {Laughing) Ho, stop hit, sir! Now 
stop. {Giggling) W'y, Mr. Boggs, w'en you gets 
to cuttin' up that way — it — {Giggles and shakes 
her apron at him) 

Johns. {In mock tragic voice, as he grasps her 
by the wrist and takes her a step down c.) 
Woman! Have a care! (Coddles stops laughing 
and looks frightened. Johns continues, lightly) 
Remember, there are dinner guests this evening. 
Reserve your emotions for the privilege of passing 
in the plates. (Dusts Coddles' fingers with the 
duster, prances to R. around the table R. back to c.) 

Coddles. {Retreats a feiv steps in the direction 
of the door l. i, looking at Johns in terror) Yes, 
sir, 'e's comin' this evening, sir. 

Johns. {Opens his eyes wide, grins ferociously, 
tiptoes towards her in a menacing manner, pokes 
the duster at her) Who? 

Coddles. {Nozv thoroughly frightened, edges 
tozvard the door l. i, watching Johns' every move. 
Her voice shakes) The doctor, sir. Hi'll take the 
liberty of speaking to him, yes, sir. {As Johns 
laughs idiotically and runs at her with the duster, she 
screams and runs out l. i ) 



ii8 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Johns. (Laughing uproariously) So much for 
Cloeopatra ! 

Florence. (Appearing at the window, calls) 
Oho — oho! (As Johns turns, sees her and runs 
up to the window) Sh-h-h! (They kiss through 
the window — Florence speaks in a whisper) Be 
careful, T — where's Nellie? 

Johns. (In loud whisper) Upstairs — dressing! 

Florence. Good I (She leaves the window, 
Johns opens the door and Florence enters u. r. ; 
she goes down r. of the table r. to front of same, 
Johns goes r. c.) She's getting repentant. Invited 
me over to dinner. Well, how's it working. Is 
George falling for it? 

Johns. (Grinning) He loathes me! But say, 
I'm making an awful hit with Coddles. 

Florence. (Smiles) Yes; but I'm afraid I'm 
not! Dreamed last night she was after me — with 
one of these — er — scalloped-edged bread knives. 
(Laughs as she comes to him) Here! IVe got a 
little present for you. (Holds out small package to 
him) 

Johns. (Backs away, holds out his hands to 
ward her off, shakes finger playfully at her) No, 
no — that's how I got this one. (Holds up the 
duster — laughs ) 

Florence. Yes, but open it, please. (Johns 
opens the package disclosing an atomizer and looks 
at her inquiringly) Smell it. (Johns does so, 
then Florence whispers to him) 

Johns. (Smiles) Oh, but Florence, that's so 
old. 

Florence. Wait until you see how wonderfully 
it works. Here is something else. (Hands Johns 
the veil, then whispers to him. Both of them 
laugh heartily) 

Johns. Poor George ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. (From off-stage) T ! T ! 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 119 

Johns. {To Florence) Sh-h-h! Look out! 
{Calls upstairs, puts the veil and the atomiser in 
his pockets) Yes, Nellie ! I'm here. 

(Florence rims to r. Johns motions her to go the 
other way; she runs to l., Johns keeping one 
eye on the stairs, motions her to go behind the 
screen — she does so.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Comes downstairs dressed 
for dinner. Comes down c. on a line with Johns) 
Good-evening, T. {As he makes a low formal how 
she registers her annoyance) Ch, please! I wish 
you wouldn't bow that way. You seem so like a 
servant. 

Johns. {Bozving) Thank you, Nellie; some 
day I may ask you for a reference. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Laughing) And I promise 
to give you any kind you vvant. (Johns bows low) 
Oh, T, you are trying to make the best of a horrid 
situation, and it's very brave of you. 

Johns. And so much cheaper. George hasn't 
been able to charge me up with a hundred dollars 
in six whole days. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Throws the duster, zvhich 
she takes from Johns, up-stag e) And I hope he 
never will again. I want to drop a line to Mother. 
Have you seen anything of my note-paper? 

(Florence peeps from behind the screen. As 
Mrs. Nettleton starts l. she jumps hack.) 

Johns. {Takes Mrs. Nettleton r. to the chair 
L. of the table, pulls out the chair; Mrs. Nettleton 
sits. Johns speaks as he walks) Yes; I put it 
away myself. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {To Johns, as she sits) 
Thank you. 



I20 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Johns. (Gets the box of paper from the table 
L., brings it to Mrs. Nettleton, goes above the 
table R., places it open in front of her) Allow me 
— my fountain pen! 

Mrs. Nettleton. George hasn't come home 
yet, has he? (As she takes the pen from Johns 
and starts to write without looking up) 

Johns. Not yet. He's probably — very busy — 
at the office! 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Looking up sharply) Why 
do you emphasize — " at the office ? " 

Johns. (Turning away) Oh, nothing — ^noth- 
ing! (Florence runs from behind the screen to 
the first landing; makes a little noise) Coddles! 
Keep quiet ; you're disturbing your mistress. 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Returns to her writing) 
Er — call him up, will you, and see if he's there. 

Johns. (Goes to the 'phone) With pleasure. 
(Takes the 'phone up without removing the re- 
ceiver) Three four three two Rector, please. 
(Looks at Mrs. Nettleton ready to take the re- 
ceiver off at a minute's notice should she look) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (As she writes) T — have 
you noticed lately, what a curious change has come 
over George? 

Johns. In what way? 

Mrs. Nettleton. Oh, it's hard to say, exactly; 
but he seems so troubled — and discouraged — and 
then his manner to me. Why, only the other day — 
you remember — when he came home early and you 
and I were fixing the roses in the vase. After you 
went out, he looked at me in the oddest sort of way 
and said: (Trys to imitate Nettleton's voice) — 
" er — Nellie! I should think that fellow was quite 
strong enough to lift a bunch of roses by himself ! " 
Then he used a profane word and stalked out of 
the room. Now what do you suppose he meant? 

Johns. (Virtuously) I wonder. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 121 

Mrs. Nettleton. The poor boy doesn't seem 
v/ell ; and I'm afraid I haven't been very helpful to 
him. 

Johns. No? 

Mrs. Nettleton. When he snapped at me, I 
snapped back. But hereafter I'm going to be quite 
ditlerent. I'm going to be sweet and lovable and 
considerate — and 

Johns. Excuse me. {In the 'phone) Hello — 
then never mind. Thank you. {Replaces the 
'phone on table) Office doesn't answer. {Goes to 
Mrs. Nettleton) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Looks up from her writing, 
without facing Johns, with rather an cnfioycd ex- 
pression) Oh, well, er — perhaps he's on his way 
home to dinner; and I have a nice little surprise 
for him. You know he's been wanting to have 
Florence over but I demurred. {Faces Johns) Oh, 
I know it was ugly of me, but I did. {Back to the 
letter) So to-day, I 'phoned her and asked her to 
come to dinner. Well — isn't that the proper spirit? 

Johns. Magnanimous. Especially to r,ie. Per- 
sonally, I shall endeavor to serve her soup Vv^ithout 
spilling it down her back. {Crosses to l.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Risinn in consternation) 
Oh, T! {Goes to him, puts hands on his arm) I 
wasn't thinking of your being in love with her. I 
was only thinking of the surprise — for dear old 
George. 

Johns. Very kind of you, Fm sure. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Crosses to l. of the table r. 
Sits) But I want to be kind — and especially to my 
husband, and from now on I'm going to prove to 
him that I cajt be nice to every one ; no m.atter how 
perfectly horrid they are to me. 

Johns. Referring, I presume, to Florence. 

(Florence comes down the steps and looks through 



122 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

the windows on the first landing. Johns 
glances back, she signals to him that Nettle- 
ton is coming and forms the words with her 
lips " George is coming.** Johns nods and 
runs to above the table r., throws himself on 
his knees. Nettleton at> pears at the window 
and looks in, then disappears.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Answers Johns a little con- 
fusedly) Well, I — I hardly mean it — er — just ex- 
actly that way, of course, but 

Johns. {Suddenly and without warning bursts 
into his warm and fervent appraisal of Nellie, 
rather startling the lady) Nellie! You're an aw- 
fully generous woman. You are an intelligent 
woman ; and what's more, you are a good woman, 
and if ever I have a chance to prove to you 

Nettleton. (Bursts in the room at R. 2, shak- 
ing with rage. Yells) Nellie! 

(Johns jumps to his feet, goes up to the stairs, 
stands at attention.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Jumps up with a frightened 
exclamation, runs to the table l., taking the letter 
she was writing with her. Fans herself nervously 
with same) Oh, George, how you startled me ! 

Nettleton. {Rushes to c, glances wildly at 
one, then the other, bellows at Nellie, waving his 
arms) Did I? 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Her voice trembling) Yes, 
you did. You know I'm not strong. You know I'm 
nervous. You 

Nettleton. Never mind your nerves ! {Throws 
his hat on the floor. Bellows at Mrs. Nettleton) 
Sit down! 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Both hysterical and angry) 
If you employ that tone — I won't! If you're going 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 123 

to be brutal the moment you come into the house, 
I wish you wouldn't come at all! {Exits up the 
stairs sobbing) 

Johns. {Exasperatingly polite) Pardon me, 
sir. Shall I take your hat and coat? (Smiles def- 
erentially at the enraged Nettleton) 

Nettleton. {In a paroxysm of rage, shouts) 
No! (Johns jumps back in mock alarm) Think 
I'm not capable of taking off my own coat? 
(Takes off his coat and flings it on the chair l. of 
the table "r. Keeps his eye on Johns all the while, 
glaring fiercely at him. Backs to the table L., feels 
about for the decanter, still keeping Johns under 
his observation) 

Johns. (Smiles sweetly) Ch! Allow m^, sir! 

Nettleton. (Shakes his fist threateningly at 
Johns, right hand, while zvith his left hand he 
gropes for the decanter) Keep your hands off! 

Johns. (Backs away a step) Yes, sir. Thank 
you, sir. (Nettleton gets the decanter, pours 
some whiskey in a glass, spilling half of the whis- 
key over the sides as his hand shakes, puts the 
glass down with a bang, then goes to the settee and 
drops down on same) Hm — will you have your — 
slippers, sir? 

Nettleton. (Hissing between his teeth) Yes! 
And be quick about it! That's all you're fit for. 

Johns. (Szveetly) Yes, sir; very good, sir. 
(Johns kicks Nettleton'^j hat, zvhich is in his 
path, goes above the table l., gets Nettleton's slip- 
pers from in front of the fi.re and comes down l. 
of the table to Nettleton, who has unbuttoned his 
shoes. Johns puts the slippers on the floor as he 
kneels left of Nettleton, takes off Nettleton's 
left shoe, pulls his sock azuay from his toes, then 
tickles him under the sole of the foot) 

Nettleton. (Jerking his foot away. As soon 
as he gets control of himself) Look here ! What 



124 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

the devil's the matter with you? {Takes off the 
other shoe and puts on his own slippers) 

Johns. {Rises, innocently) With me, sir? I 
don't know, I'm sure. But I hope it's nothing to 
annoy you, sir. To what may I ask, do you allude? 

Nettleton. {Jumps up) To everything ! First 
— you — you — seem so damn zvell satisfied. {As 
Johns shrugs and turns azvay) And ever since I 
caught you drunk the other day, you've been wear- 
ing a smirk that— that I couldn't pull off with a 
monkey wrench. {Crosses to c. and turns to 
Johns) Well, why don't you answer me? 

Johns. {Suavely) Perhaps, sir, it's because 
I'm beginning to realize — my opportunities. 

Nettleton. {Crosses to Johns, goes close to 
him. Fiercely) What opportunities? 

Johns. Of serving Mr. Nettleton. 

Nettleton. {Raising his voice to a yell) You 
get out of here ! 

Johns. {Picks up the shoes, starts out l.) Yes, 
sir; very good, sir. 

Nettleton. {Yells) "Wait! {As Johns 
pauses and turns) Tell Mrs. Nettleton that I want 
to see her— in here — at once. {Walks to jr. c. 
quickly) 

Johns. {Eagerly) With pleasure, sir! (Starts 
for the stairs on the run by way of l. of the fable l.) 

Nettleton. {Makes a mad dash for the stairs, 
catches Johns on the first step, throws himself 
upon him. Johns falls, turns so as to face Net- 
tleton, who grasps him by the coat, holding him 
fast. Johns smiles. Nettleton, fiercely) No, 
you don't! I'll just do that myself. And look here, 
if ever I catch you hanging around her again — 
I'll — break — your — neck! Get m.e! 

Johns. (Rises, speaks sweetly) Yes, sir. I get 
you. (Goes to the door l. t, turns) In future, I 
shall try to be — more careful. (Exits l. i) 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 125 

.Nettleton. {Puts his hand to his head, his 
knees give slightly and his face expresses pain) 
More careful? {Recovers himself to an extent, 
goes to the table l. above same and grabs up the 
'phone. Savagely) Hello! {Slight pause, then he 
rattles the hook) Hello, hello, hello! Lenox six 
one seven o, and hurry, will you. {Pours some 
whiskey in a glass, first putting the 'phone on 
the table; still holds the receiver to his ear with the 
right hand, speaks in the 'phone) Well, can't you 
get that number? {Picks up the glass, about to 
drink; his attention suddenly called by voice on the 
wire, he speaks in the glass instead of the 'phone) 
Oh, hello! {Puts the glass dozvn angrily and 
picks up the 'phone) Hello! Is that Mr. Vander- 
holt's home? Ohl This is George. Say, Van, I 
want you to come over, will you — right away! 
(Slight pause) Of course it's important! (Johns 
enters and stands at attention near the door l.) 
What? (Glances at Johns) No, I can't tell you 
over the 'phone. There's something in the way^ as 
it always is! All right, I'll look for you. Good- 
bye. (Nettleton goes to the settee; sits) 

Johns. (Goes hack of the tabic, takes the glass 
of whiskey that Nettleton has poured and conies 
R. of Nettleton and hands it to him) Hm ! Er — 
pardon me, sir. But won't you take a little stimu- 
lant ? 

Nettleton. (His head in his hands) Mind 
your own business ! 

Johns. Yes, sir! I only took the liberty, be- 
cause you look so tired and overworked. 

Nettleton. (Snatches the glass from Johns) 
Yes, I am overworked. I'm working like a dog. 
And you up here — loafing around all day — and I 
don't know what! (Looks at Johns suspiciously) 

Johns. No, sir; how should you? (Nettle- 
ton, who has started to drijtk, chokes on same) 



126 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

I'm very sorry to see you so. (Nettleton piffs 
his hands over his ears. Johns takes the atomizer 
from his pocket and sprays Nettleton 's right arm 
and shoulder) Especially as your splendid work in 
the Eureka Digestive Pill Co. is partially on my 
account. {Replaces the atomizer in his pocket) 
And so I hope I don't offend you, sir, in offering a 
suggestion. No? Thank you. Then, since you 
are so overworked, why not run off somewhere for 
a little trip — and rest — for a week or two ? 

Nettleton. {Jumps to his feet) What's that? 

Johns. Oh, of course, I mean, sir — that you — - 
you would take her with you. 

Nettleton. {Struggling with his fury) Oh, 
you do. Then let me tell you one thing, Mr. Johns, 
and I want you to remember it; my personal and 
domestic affairs are not mentioned in that contract ! 

Johns. There is nothing in it to the contrary! 
(Takes out the contract, starts to open it) 

Nettleton. {Pushing his hand aside) There is 
in this house and there's going to be — from now 
on ! Get me ? 

Johns. Yes, sir. I've got you. {Grins; Net- 
tleton waves his arms in despair and goes reeling 
to the door r. i. Johns puts the contract back in 
his pocket) And whenever you can think of any 
other little matter that would please you, I trust 
that you will bring it to my attention. 

Nettleton. There are several little matters I 
am going to bring to your attention, and if you 
don't look sharp, the first will be an undertaker. 

Johns. {With finger tips together) Yes, sir. 
Very good, sir. (Nettleton gives a shout of rage 
and exits r. i, slams the door after him. Johns 
laughs heartily, he goes c. and as he sings " Some- 
body else " very softly, he takes out the veil, holds 
it in front of him with his left hand, and with his 
right he takes the atomizer and sprays the veil up 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 127 

and down, keeping time to his singing; puts the 
atomiser back in his pocket when he has sprayed 
it thoroughly — or rather appeared to do so — and 
takes the veil and in time to the song stuffs it in 
Nettleton's overcoat pocket {coat on chair l. of 
table R.) then takes a sheet of paper from Nellie's 
writing case on the table r., holds it up to view of 
the house) A letter! {Runs to the settee l., sits 
down when Nettleton enters r. He kisses the 
letter) . 

Nettleton. {Enters from r. I, sees Johns kiss 
the letter, runs above the table r. to c.) Well? 
What's that? (Johns jumps, pretends alarm, 
rushes to the fireplace, puts the letter behind him) 
Don't you hear me speaking to you? What is it? 

Johns. {Throwing the letter in the fire) It is 
one of the personal or domestic affairs — not men- 
tioned in the contract. 

Nettleton. {Furiously, as he strides towards 
him) Well, by 

Johns. (Sharply) Hold on there! (^^Net- 
tleton reaches the edge of the table and^ pauses, 
Johns speaks with the air of a servant again) Re- 
member, sir, that any excessive violence on the part 
of the master might be legally construed as a viola- 
tion of the contract. Do you get me ? 

Nettleton. Yes, I get you — and I'm going to 
get you by the neck! {He starts up around the 
table after Johns, who goes to the down-stage side 
of the table l.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Appears on the stairs) 
George! (Nettleton stops and goes r. Mrs. 
Nettleton comes rapidly down the stairs to c.) 
Why— v^hy, you looked as though you were going 
to fly at each other's throats. What is it, George? 

Johns. {Virtuously) Believe me, Nellie, it 
was not his fault. Merely a little nervous strain, 
from overwork, at the office. {Exits l. i) 



128 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Mrs. Nettleton. Oh ! George dear, why were 
you so late at the office? 

Nettleton. {Goes above the table r. to c. 
Speaks vehemently) I'll tell you why — because 
I'm doing two men's work! ^^cause the entire 
business is resting on my shoulders ! Does any- 
body appreciate that? No! I toil and slave and 
sweat — ten hours a day — and that smirking lump of 
laziness — is prancing around with a dinky little 
feather duster. (Goes to the r. of the table R., 
groaning) My God, Nellie, it makes me sick — 
sick' 

Mrs. Nettleton. Well, you told him to do it, 
didn't you? (Nettleton waves a protesting hand 
at Mrs. Nettleton and goes up r. holding his 
head) In fact you gave him the duster — on his 
birthday ! 

Nettleton. (Angrily) That's it! Take up 
for him — as you always do ! 

(Mrs. Nettleton goes to l. of the table r.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. (In severe tone) And why 
shoiddn't I defend him? Someone should! Isn't 
the poor fellow doing everything on earth to please 
you? 

Nettleton. (Loses all control of himself; lifts 
his clenched fists; laughs maniacally) Ah-h-h-! 
To please me ! (Starts around the table R. to l. of 
same to Mrs. Nettleton's who beats a hasty re- 
treat to the R. side of the table; watches Nettle- 
ton as If she thought he had suddenly gone in- 
sane) Yes, he is ! He's pleasing me — every min- 
ute of the day and night! And so are you. And 
now, Mrs. Nettleton, I want to know why and what 
you are writing to that man ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Amazed) I? What man? 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 129 

Nettleton. {In biting sarcasm) What man! 
T! T! T Boggs Johns! {Strikes the table with 
his fist) That's the man I mean and you knozv it ! 
{Seeking to control his feelings he rushes to the 
stairs and tnrns his back to the house; grasps the 
newel post right side of the stairs and leans his head 
on same) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Leaning over the table; call- 
ing to him in a soothing voice) Why, darUng! 
You are nervous. Why in the world should I write 
to T when I have him here all day long and can 
tell him vvhat I choose? 

Nettleton. {With a wild cry, whirls about and 
faces her, laughing fiendishly) All right ! Have it 
that way? What are you saying to him all day 
long and what is he saying to youf {As she stares 
at him in pained wonder) That's it — look inno- 
cent! Fm the goat — not you! {Waves arms excit- 
edly, goes upstage, leans on the L. stage newal 
post) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {In alarm) My precious 
George you're not yourself ! You need a rest ! 
{Brightly, as the idea comes to her) Now, why 
don't you run off somewhere — for a week or two? 

Nettleton. {Whirls and faces her with a 
blood-curdling cry, goes a few steps to her, points 
an accusing finger at her) Aha ! You too ! 
{Points to L.) That's what he wanted me to do — 
to get me out of the way! {Raging) Now then? 
I want to know what it means — do you hear me? 
{Goes to her, takes her by the arms, and pidls her 
to c.) Now look me in the face and tell me — if 
you can. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Catches the scent of the per- 
fume; leans over and sniffs at his sleeve; sharply) 
George! {Sniffs again energetically. Nettleton 
looks and sniffs too) George! {She steps back 
and looks at him) 



I30 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Nettleton. (A bewildered expression crossing 
his face) Well? What are you getting at? 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Catches his arm, holds it up 
for him to smell. In accusing voice) Your coat 
sleeve! Smell it! 

Nettleton. {Goes down-stage, puts his arm 
up tohis nose, smels it; looks puzzled; addresses 
the house) Why? My co — Hm, by Jove! 
That is funny. I wonder where I got it ? 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Stiffly) That's what I want 
to know. Where did you get it ? 

Nettleton. (Defensively) How can I tell. It 
must have been here — (Sniffing) I've been notic- 
ing something for the last five minutes. 

Mrs. Nettleton. I should think you might; 
you're positively reeking with it. (Few steps r., 
turns, draws herself up) Now, sir, where have you 
been? 

Nettleton. Been? Why — why — ^just where I 
said I've been — just 

Mrs. Nettleton. Stop! Don't make it worse 
by lying ! 

Nettleton. Nellie! (Reproachfully) That's a 
nice raw deal to hand a poor tired business man. 

Mrs. Nettleton. Poor tired business man ! 

Nettleton. — When he comes home. If you 
don't think I've been working, there's the telephone 
— why didn't you call me up and find out ? 

Mrs. Nettleton. I did twice and Central al- 
ways said, " Office doesn't answer." 

Nettleton. (Faltering) Oh, I — well — er — 
well, that may be too. (As if he had just thought 
of it) Oh, that's so; our 'phone has been out of 
order. (As Mrs. Nettleton laughs derisively) 
Then don't believe me! If you like, I wasn't 
there! If that suits you better, I haven't been to 
the office for a week. (Goes up c.) 

Mas. Nettleton. (As she goes to the 'phone 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 131 

on the table l.) Aha! At last we are getting at 
the truth! Well, I know a 'phone that is not out of 
order. {Picks up the 'phone, puts receiver to ear) 

Nettleton. {Down-stage to R. of the table R.) 
And what are you doing now? 

Mrs. Nettleton. Calling up my lawyer — Mr. 
Vanderholt. (/m 'phone) Hello! 

Nettleton. Then save yourself t!:e trouble — ■ 
he'l be here in about five minutes. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Replaces the 'pJ.one on table, 
goes to the settee; sits) Very well! I'll see him. 
{Beginning to cry) And I want you to know, sir, 
that this is the end — of everything! {Screams) 
Every-y-y-y thing ! 

Nettleton. {Starts to come to her) Oh, but 
darling — {'Phone rings twice. Nettleton jerks 
the receiver off the hook; demands harshly) Hello ! 
Whatf No! I didn't call. Ring off! 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Sobbing and feeling in her 
sleeves and bosom of dress for handkerchief) 
Where's my handkerchief? I've lost it — I've lost 

it! 

Nettleton. Here, dear ; take mine— Here we 
are! {Goes to his overcoat on the chair L. of the 
table R., fumbles in the pocket for his handkerchief 
but keeps his eye on Mrs. Nettleton. Gives the 
veil a jerk and runs to Mrs. Nettleton a few steps 
before he discovers what it really is; stops and tries 
to stuff it down inside his coat; it hangs out at the 
bottom; he pulls it up and it sticks out at the top; 
he keeps this up, laughing foolishly) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Turns, sees the veil, rises, 
screams) Ah! Her veil! 

Nettleton. Her veil ? Whose veil ? 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Pidling the veil away from 
him; waves it under his nose) Smell it ! {As Net- 
tleton steps back, sniffing his coat in comparison, 
she flings herself in the chair L. of the table R., 
laughing and sobbing) 



132 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Nettleton. (Runs to her, kneels l. of her) 
Nellie! Nellie! For heaven's sake don't — don't — 
{She continues; he starts for the 'phone; as he 
reaches it and is about to pick it tip, it stops; he 
crawls back to Mrs. Nettleton. All this done 
on his knees) Darling! Speak to me! Nellie! 
Won't you even look at me? (She continues to 
sob and weep. As the 'phone rings Nettleton 
turns, shakes his fist at it) That's it — go on! 
Damn you — go on ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. {In a bitter wail) And now 
you're cursing me-e-e-e-e! 

Nettleton. {Shouts to make himself heard) 
I'm not cursing you. I'm cursing the 'phone. 
I'm 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Weeping and walling) And 
now you're putting it on the poor old telephone. 

Nettleton. (Puts hand to head as knock is 
heard at door) Oh, my God! There's something 
else. (Clasps hands; looks up) Why don't the 
house catch fire and finish it! (Mrs. Nettleton 
sobs louder. Johns enters from l. i, takes in the 
situation, grins, dances on his way to the door u. R. 
]o-H.i<is exits) Nellie! Nellie! You are only mak- 
ing a fool of yourself. I don't know a thing about 
that smell. I swear it — not a thing! Oh, don't! 
Please ! Please ! 

Johns. {Re-enters at once. Announces Van- 
derholt as he reaches c, then goes to the door l.) 
Mr. Vanderholt ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Speaking in natural voice) 
Whom did he say it was ? 

Nettleton. It's only Van, dear — just dear old 
Van! 

(Mrs. Nettleton lapses into hysteria again.) 

Vanderholt. (Vanderholt enters up r. Reg- 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 133 

isters his alarm, takes off hat and coat, goes down- 
stage R. of the table r.; looks at Nellie) George! 
What is it — is she iU? 

Johns. Something, I fancy, has disagreed with 
her. 

Nettleton. {Crawls a few steps toward Johns, 
shakes fist; yells) You get out of here! 

(Vanderpiolt goes up to the window seat, puts his 
hat and coat there, then comes down c.) 

Johns. Yes, sir; very good, sir. {Exit l. i) 
Vanderholt. Nov/, old man, what is it ? 
Nettleton. {On his knees) Everything! And 
I'm supposed to dress v/ith one hand — (Mrs. Net- 
tleton shrieks) and treat a case of hysteria with 
the other. (Nettleton rises) We've got to get 
her out of here! Help me, will you? Take her 
head ; it's the lightest part of her ! 

(Vanderholt takes her head while Nettleton 
takes her feet.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Screams and cries until car- 
ried off) I want a divorce-e-e-e-e — absolute — 
with alimon-e-e-e 

Vanderholt. {Pulls up to the stairs) Up- 
stairs? 

Nettleton. {Pulls to the r.) No! We'd 
bump her on the bannisters ! Library — come on ! 

Coddles. {Enters from l., sees the row; wrings 
her hands) HoLud! Ho Lud! Ho Lud! Ho 
Lud! 

Nettleton. You, Coddles, stop that, and open 
the library door! (Coddles runs to the door r. i, 
opens same. Nettleton and Vanderholt carry 
Mrs. Nettleton out screaming — she kicks off her 
shoe as she is going out and Coddles gets it. Net- 



134 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

TELTON returns at once and she hands it to him. 
While Mrs. Nettleton is being carried off, Johns 
enters from l., goes up and sits on the steps; 
laughs) Coddles, telephone a doctor! 

Coddles. (Excited) Yes, sir — wot number? 

Nettleton. Six five Columbus. Hurry! 
(Exits into library; sounds of hysteria coming out 
and ceasing as he closes the door) 

Coddles. Yes, sir! Yes, sir! (She starts for 
the ^ phone, sees Johns on the steps, runs for him. 
Johns registers alarm and dashes out l., slams the 
door. Coddles just at the door as it is slammed; 
she repeats the number that Nettleton has given 
her, over and over again, as fast as possible, as 
though trying to prevent it leaving her; goes to the 
'phone, then takes the receiver off the hook with 
right hand and leans her left elbow on the table, 
crosses her feet, speaks as though all out of breath) 
Are you there? (She then looks in the 'phone 
— mouth piece — then out front again) 1 say, are 
you there? Six five Columbius — (The operator 
does not get it) Colum-bi-us ! 

Nettleton. Enters from r. I, goes to c. by way 
of above the table r. Excitedly, to Coddles, who 
has just dropped the 'phone on the table on his en- 
trance and runs down l.; faces Nettleton) Well, 
well — did you get him ? 

Coddles. No, sir. 'E slammed the door in me 
face, sir! 

Nettleton. (Makes a fierce face — roars at her) 
Who? The doctor? 

Coddles. (Frightened) No, sir — Mr. Boggs, 
sir. 

Nettleton. (Looks at her for a few seconds 
in helpless fury. He holds on the table, and 
crouches watching her — Coddles crouches slightly, 
as if rer-'v to run, if Nettleton should spring at 
her) Oh, you idiot ! Here ! Go in there to your 



'A PAIR OF SIXES. 135 

mistress — she needs you! (Coddles goes, in long 
glides, still watching Nettleton) Don't skate — 
walk ! 

Coddles. {As she runs for her life out r. i) 
Yes, sir! Yes, sir! {As she exits the sound of hy- 
steria comes from the library. Nettleton follows 
her as far as the table r, to r. of same. He turns 
and sees the frame of cards on the table r. and with 
a sweep of his hand knocks it tip-stage, then he 
goes to table l., takes the syphon, sits on the settee, 
rubs it on his forehead) 

Vanderholt. {Enters from r. i, sounds of hy- 
steria heard until the door closes. Vanderholt 
comes to c.) Now, old man, what's all this silly 
rubbish about divorce? 

Nettleton. Well, I — I got some cologne or 
something on my shoulder. I don't know where, of 
course, but nothing under the sun can persuade the 
lady that the head of some other lady has not been 
reposing here. {Rises, goes to him, holds up his 
lapel) Whiff that ! 

Vanderholt. {Smelling the sleeve and stepping 
hack) Shades of the chorus! {Laughs, crosses to 
R. of the table R. Sits) Georgie ! Georgie ! 

Nettleton. {Angrily) Well? What's the 
matter with you? {Sniffs coat) Woman, hell! 
Smells more like the Chicago River! {As Van- 
derholt laughs) That's right; laugh; make a 
game of it; enjoy yourself! Howl! {Turns away, 
then back) But see here, Van! You understand 
it, don't you? 

Vanderholt. Oh, yes, I understand it! Oh, 
Georgie! Georgie! {Laughs) 

Nettleton. You believe me, don't you? {As 
Vanderholt laughs again Nettleton speaks an- 
grily) Then don't ! If you haven't brains enough 
to understand it, here's something: you can under- 
stand. I want that contract cancelled. 



136 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Vanderholt. I thought you thought it great ! 

Nettleton. I did until I saw it work — and now 
I think it's rotten ! 

Vanderholt. (Rising) Well, what other rea- 
sons have you for wanting it cancelled? 

Nettleton. A hundred and fifty million rea- 
sons ! First, it isn't legal ! 

Vanderholt. That's what T say. Why isn't it 
legal ? 

Nettleton. Because all the advantage is on his 
side. (Vanderholt laughs aitd goes a fezv steps 
R.) And the rank injustice falls on me. And that 
won't stand at law! 

Vanderholt. {Crosses to c.) Oh, yes, it will. 
Yours is a personal agreement between two private 
individuals; and it stands — at law! It can be an- 
nulled, but only by mutual consent — or by one of 
the parties breaking it — deliberately. 

Nettleton. All right ; I'll break it ! I'll fire that 
fellow — ^now! {Crosses to "l.) 

Vanderholt. Good! And forfeit all your in- 
terest in the business. 

Nettleton. {Stopping short) Eh? Ah! 
Then it's a frame-up? {Advancing angrily) So 
that's what you've done to me — tied me up ! Fixed 
me ! So I can't even kick him out ! I've got to keep 
him for a year! 

Vanderholt. That's v/hat you wanted, wasn't 
it? You're making an excellent butler of him, and 
since he left the office you are doing twice as well 
as you were before. 

Nettleton. I'm not! The business is running 
down. One man can't do it all! {Crosses to r. a 
fezv steps) 

Vanderholt. (Whistling) Oh, I see! So you 
want him back at the office? 

Nettleton. No, I don't! I want him out of 
this house! He's a curse! And one way or the 
other you've got to get me rid of him ! 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 137 

Vanderholt. / must? (Laughs) On what 
grounds ? 

Nettleton. Legal grounds. (Goes to Vander- 
holt) Van, — (Looks about; then speaks very 
seriously) he's in love with NelHe — and she's in love 
with him. 

Vanderholt. What! In love with Ne — (Stops 
and speaks in disgust) Oh, George, go out and see 
a veterinary! (Crosses to l. end of the table l.) 

Nettleton. It's true! For a week he's been 
swaggering around here as if he owned the place. 
Drinks my whiskey — ^smokes my best cigars — and 
then he's always with her! (Both meet c.) If I 
come in suddenly, he jumps — a guilty start — and 
looks like a poisoned sheep. Why, Van, I tell you 
plainly, man to man. 

(To Vanderholt.) 

Vanderholt. Sh-h-h- ! 

Johns. (Comes down the stairs to the first 
landing) Er — beg pardon, sir; (Waves a pair of 
pink pajamas and a pair of violet pajamas at Net- 
tleton) but shall I lay out your — er — violet pa- 
jamas or the pink ones? 

Nettleton. Get out of here or I'll lay you out. 
(Runs for the stairs) 

Johns. (Runs up the stairs and exits — speak- 
ing as he goes) Yes, sir; very good, sir ! 

Nettleton. Get that. Van — get that ? Did you 
see him grin-n-n-n-ing at me ? 

Vanderholt. (Sits settee) No, he looked to 
me like a highly respectable grave digger. 

Nettleton. (Goes to c.) Well, I'll dig his all 
right — and plant him — in a violet colored shroud. 
(Speaking confidentially) Van, would you believe 
it, they are writing notes to each other and right 
under my very nose ! 



138 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Vanderholt. Correspondence? Now you're 
talking. Produce it! 

Nettleton. {Waving his hands helplessly) I 
can't ! They burn it ! 

Vanderholt. {Goes a step l.; laughs) Good 
work! 

Nettleton. {Sharply) Eh? 

Vanderholt. I mean — er — how does Mrs. Net- 
tleton seem to bear up under the trying circum- 
stances ? 

Nettleton. She? Why, Van, she carries it off 
with an air of brazen innocence that would knock 
you cold. When I put it up to her a while ago what 
do you think she did? 

Vanderholt. What ? 

Nettleton. Just looked at me with those big, 
beautiful eyes — then attacked me — about that 
damned cologne. {Crosses to R.) 

Vanderholt. {Laughs heartily) By Jove, that 
was clever. 

Nettleton. {Getting excited again) Well, it 
don't go down with me. {Impatiently, to Vander- 
holt) Now then — what are you going to do about 
it? 

Vanderholt. {Protesting) I? See here, old 
sport, you seem to think this is my divorce. 

Nettleton. {Going to c) Well — you saddled 
me with Boggs, didn't you? 

Vanderholt. {Angrily) No, I didn't; but 
still — {Stops and brightens) Ha! I've got it — 
{Goes to Nettleton) 

Nettleto n . What ? 

Vanderholt. We'll call T in here and get him 
to dissolve the contract — with your magnanimous 
consent. Get the idea? 

Nettleton. You mean — {Enthusiastic as he 
grasps the idea) Good, by Jupiter! It's great! 
(Vanderholt goes upstage and pushes the hell l. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 139 

of the window seat on the arch) But don't you tcU 
him that I want it, and don't you tell him that busi- 
ness is rotten, either. {Goes to r. of the table r.) 

Vanderholt. {Comes to back of the chair l. of 
the table R.) Oh, no, no, you le-ve it to me. I 
owe him an uppercut myself. 

Johns. {Comes down the stairs to c, stands at 
attention) Beg pardon, sir; but did you r:;:;f 
(Vanderholt snickers) 

Nettleton. {Trying to get bad:) What did 
you think it was — the angels calling you ? 

Johns. {With a sober face; in a sweet voice; 
looks up at heaven) No, sir; I used to believe in 
angels, but somehow lately, sir 

Nettleton. {Fiercely) Aw — shut up ! 

{Throws himself in the chair R. of the table R. 
Glares at Johns) 

Vanerholt. {Comes to R. of Johns) That's 
right! Now, T, listen: George and I have been 
talking matters over and have come to the conclu- 
sion that this contract is— well, a little rough on 
you. 

Johns. {Politely) Yes, sir? 

Vanderholt. {Amused at John's manner) 
And so partially at my advice, he has generously 
consented to — to let you off. {Watches John's 
face closely) 

Johns. {Intentionally misconstruing the mean- 
ing) You mean for a day, sir? {Smiles grate- 
fully) 

Vanderholt. {Trying to keep a straight face. 
Nettleton gives an infuriated grunt and turns in 
his seat azvay from Johns) Oh, no, no! {Ear- 
nestly) I mean altogether. In other words, he's 
willing — under certain conditions — to allow you to 
cancel {Beams upon Johns. Nettleton tries to 
look philanthropical) 

Johns. {In respectful astonishment) What? 



I40 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Cancel my contract? (Lifts his hands in deferen- 
tial protest) Oh, Mr. Vanderholt! 

Vanderholt. (Slaps Johns' hand down) 
Here, here ! Cut that butler stuff ; it don't go with 
me J 

Johns. (In natural tone and manner) All 
right, I will. And why should I cancel it? Isn't 
George at the office, working his head off, piling up 
receipts and even improving on the color of my 
pills? He's doubling the business every week or 
two — ^according to his account — and is crediting 
half the profits up to mine. On the other hand — 
(Changes tone to one of great satisfaction, walks a 
few steps L., turns slightly away from Vander- 
holt) I'm here! (Nettleton sits up straight in 
his seat, zvith a start; eyes Johns keenly) A regu- 
lar rest cure snap. Good whiskey — (Raises his eye- 
brows and makes a mouth) fair cigars — (Nettle- 
ton writhes in his seat) and — er-er 

Nettleton. {Springs to his feet, hangs the 
table with his fist, and demands in a voice of thun- 
der) And what? 

Johns. {Faces him, smiles sweetly at him; in a 
mocking tone) A good, kind, generous, loving 
marster, who is all my simple soul desires. 

(Nettleton, with a yell of rage starts for Johns, 
who dances lightly to the door l. i) 

Vanderholt. (Pushes Nettleton hack) 
Steady, George! Leave this to me. (As Nettle- 
ton stops, Vanderholt turns to Johns) Well, T, 
how about it? 

Johns. Cancel my contract? What I want to 
do is renew to it. (Exits l. i, grinning) 

Nettleton. (Nearly collapses, reels to R., then 
up r. to hack of the chair R. of the table r. on which 
he leans for support. Vanderholt chokes with 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 141 

mirth. When Nettleton gets his breath, Vander- 
HOLT throws himself on settee) Did you ever see 
such a man? (Vanderholt laughs) Can you 
beat thatt Can you beat it? (Goes to c.) 

Vanderholt. (Wiping the tears out of his 
eyes) Well, no, old chap! I'm horribly afraid — 
we can't I 

Coddles. (Enters from r. i, her hair disar- 
ranged. As the door opens Mrs. Nettleton is 
heard weeping and screaming. Sound stops with 
the closing of the door. Appears out of breath. 
Jerks her thumb in the direction of the library, 
looks up, shakes her head, motions to Nettleton, 
then taps her forehead) Ho, Mr. Nettleton, sir! 
Mr. Nettleton ! She's a-talkin' hon somethink haw- 
ful, sir — a-grittin' of 'er teeth an' a-stretchin' hout 
'er legs, like this ! (Bares her teeth and holds her 
legs and arms rigid) 

Vanderholt. (Rises; goes to Nettleton) 
Good Lord 1 What is it, nowf 

(Coddles goes above the table r.) 

Nettleton. Pathetic business for divorce pro- 
ceedings! For benefit of counsel. (Opens the 
door R. I. Mrs. Nettleton heard, hysterical) 
Walk in and get a line on it. 

(Mrs. Nettleton gives a piercing shriek.) 

Vanderholt. One minute, George^ How about 
a retainer? 

Nettleton. Retainer? You go in and restrain 
her. (Vanderholt exits laughing. Closes door. 
Noise stops) Coddles, take my advice and remain 
a maiden! (Exits r. i. Mrs. Nettleton does not 
scream this time) 

Coddles. (Coddles looks at Nettleton 's re- 



142 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

treating figure, then slowly falls backward to the 
floor. At length pulling Iters elf up hy means of the 
table stands looking out front with a dazed expres- 
sion; pushes the hair back from her face; breathes 
heavily) Ho dearie me! Ho dearie! Hi'd rather 
do the cookin' than be a-waitin' h'on a lunytick! 
{Looks L. and r., frightened, as if expecting the 
** Lunytick " to put in appearance at any minute) 
Hi wonder now, if 'e caught it from 'er, {Indicates 
the different parties with jerks of her thumbs) or 
hif she caught it from 'im? (Johns dashes on 
gaily from l. i with a water bottle and a bunch of 
roses. He skips to r., hums as he goes. Coddles 
retreats a step or two up-stag e, calls to Johns in 
alarm) Don't you go in there, Mr. Boggs, sir. 
Don't you do it ! He'll murder you, 'e will ! 'E'll 
bash you on the 'cad, sir. 'E'll — (Johns stops and 
grins at Coddles) 

Florence. {Coming downstairs to first land- 
ing) Coddles! You go back to the kitchen this 
minute — and let poor Mr. Boggs alone. 

(Johns puts the water hag on the table r.) 

Coddles. {Backs toward the door l. i) Now 
don't you worrit, Miss. Don't you worrit. I 
wouldn't marry that lubby headed idiot — no, not if 
'e was willin'. I ain't a-goin' to spend my 'oney- 
moon in no bloomin*, bally bug 'ouse ! {Exits l. i) 

Florence. (Florence and Johns laugh. 
Florence comes down c, Johns joins her; gives 
her the roses) Who were those flowers intended 
for — Nellie ? 

Johns. Partially. I thought it might please the 
master if he knew I was thinking of her. {Grins) 

Florence. {Laughs) Well, stop thinking of 
her and 'hink of me. 

Johns. {Eagerly) I am. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 143 

Florence. No, no, no — I mean business. (Puts 
the flowers on the table) 

Johns. (Puts out his arms to her) So do I. 

Florence. (Shakes her finger at him) Yes, 
but not that kind. T, you've got to make George 
discharge you. 

Johns. (Bitterly) I can't. The contract won't 
let him. If he throws me out as an asset I come 
back as a HabiHty. We nailed him with the cologne, 
but we didn't clinch it. 

(Florence sits on settee.) 

Florence. Yes — I see — (Turns to Johns 
quickly) Let's have a look at the little trouble 
maker. (Johns takes the atomizer out of his 
pocket and hands it to her. She looks at it thought- 
fully) My, my, my — and such a little thing ! (She 
sprays herself copiously) 

Johns. (Stepping hack) Good Lord, Florence, 
What are you doing? 

Florence. (Smiles) I'm trying to become 
George's little co-respondent. And if this doesn't 
work I know something else that will. 

Johns. What? 

Florence. It depends on you. 

Johns. How? 

Florence. Are you aware of the fact that not 
ten minutes after becoming engaged to me, you sat 
down deliberately and gambled away my chance of 
being married? 

Johns. (Blankly) Your chances of being mar- 
ried? 

Florence. Yes. What do you think I grew up 
for? 

Johns. Oh, but Florence, you are wrong. What 
I forfeited was only myself — and my business. 

Florence. (Looks at him sideways. Smiles) 
You don't expect me to marry a butler, do you? 



144 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Johns. (Doesn't know just how to take it) 
Well, no — I don't! (Turns to her. Earnestly) 
What do you want me to do? If you'll only help 
me out 

Florence. Ah, that's just the point; like every 
other man on earth, you go sailing around, on your 
own account, till you land in the fly paper with all 
six feet, and then begin buzzing for the lady of the 
house to help you out. (As Johns looks at her 
meekly) And suppose I do help you out, suppose 
I forgive you, as a fool of a woman is always do- 
ing ! Suppose I put you back in your office where 
you belong — suppose I do! That's the point, Mr. 
Blood and Brains ! What do / get out of it ! 

Johns. (Solemnly) Florence — you get any- 
thing I own on earth — or ever hope to own. 

Florence. Be careful, T. 

Johns. I am. Square my account; first with 
yourself and then with George, and whatever you 
say for me to do — Vll do it. 

Florence. And if you fail? 

Johns. (Stands at attention) I'll be your but- 
ler for the rest of my natural life. 

Florence. (Laughs) And you'll do what I ask 
you now? 

Johns. I will ! 

Florence. (Warningly) Without regard to 
consequences? You swear? 

Johns. I swear. 

Florence. On your honor? 

Johns. As a gen — (Looks at Florence, then 
stands at attention) As a butler! 

Florence. All right! (Rises, goes to Johns, 
puts hands on his shoulders, rises on tiptoes and 
whispers in his ear, then steps hack, clasps his 
hands and looks at him) 

Johns. (Happily) What! You mean it? 

Florence. Yes. 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 145 

Johns. Are you sure? 

Florence. Of course! 

Johns. {Delighted) Florence! {Goes to her, 
clasps her wrist) Then don't try to keep me off 
this time, because you haven't the strength! 
{Takes her to the settee, sits, then pulls her on his 
knee, hugs her, she protesting) 

Florence. {Tries to get away, does not make a 
very great effort) Don't, T, — don't — please! 
{Glances r. and l.) Er — somebody might come in ! 

Johns. {Laughing and drawing her close) Let 
them; we'll tell them where to go! Come on! 
Come on ! {She suddenly zvithdraws her hands and 
throws her arms about him; they rock from side to 
side, laughing) 

Nettleton. {Enters from r. i, stares at them 
in amazement; speaks sharply) Boggs! {He 
looks from one to the other severely as they both 
jump up and face him) What's the meaning of 
this? 

Johns. {Tauntingly) It means, sir, {Goes to 
the door l. i, turns) that for the second time in 
your presence, I was holding my lucky queen! 
{Blozvs a kiss to Florence and exits l. i) 

Florence. {Banteringly) Good evening, 
George ! You seem surprised to see me. 

Nettleton. {Stiffly) Yes, Miss Cole, I am! 
You have no right to interfere in this affair, especi- 
ally in my house! And you have no right to help 
him out! 

Florence. {Sweetly) No? And what are you 
going to do about it? {Smiles at him) 

Nettleton. Dof {Strides towards her) I'll 
tell you what I'm — {He leans towards her and 
catches the scent of the perfume, stops back and 
loses his dignity, laughs foolishly, goes to the door 
R. I, catches hold of the knob, pidls on it as if to 
prevent anyone coming out, watches Florence dis- 
trustfully) 



146 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Florence. Why don't you do it, George? (As 
he continues to look at her suspiciously, — inno- 
cently as she smiles szveetly at him) Why, what 
is it? 

Nettleton. {Laughing nervously) Ha, ha, 
nothing — only — ^ha, ha, well, you see — Nellie 

Florence. Oh yes, I know, T told me she was 
in the library — {Starts to r.) I'll run right in and 
see her. 

Nettleton. (Comes a few steps towards her, 
stands in front of her, cannot conceal his agitation, 
looks behind him as though fearing Nellie woidd 
enter, and trys to keep his eye on Florence too) 
Oh, no, please ! I — er — wouldn't ! Not just now ! 
She's not at all well, Florence; in fact, she's ill — 
and won't be able to appear at dinner. (Passes his 
handkerchief over his forehead) 

Florence. (Pretending sympathy) Ah! Too 
bad ! What seems to be the trouble ? 

Nettleton. Er — nerves! ^ 

Florence. (Looking at him steadily) Nerves ! 
Good gracious! I thought the trouble was with 
her nose. 

Nettleton. (His surprise overcoming his other 
emotions) Eh? (Goes to her, looks at her sus- 
piciously) And what do you know about it? 

Florence. A lot! (Seriously) Now, look 
here, George, how much would you give to get 
out of this mess — entirely ? 

Nettleton. You mean — ^all of it — Boggs in- 
cluded ? 

Florence. Boggs included, here. But suppose 
I put him back in his office, where you need him 
as badly as he needs you. Suppose I do that, Mr. 
Bone and Fat — what is it worth — to mef 

Nettleton. (Solemnly) Florence — I'd give a 
thousand dollars — cold. Yes, fifteen hundred, by 
Jupiter! I'd give two thousand 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 147 

Florence. {Laughing) There, there, there! 
Stop bidding against yourself. I'll take your first 
offer of a thousand — in the form of a httle wed- 
ding present — and here's a Httle something to keep 
you from forgetting it. (Sprays the cologne in his 
face, starts out r. i, as Vanderkolt enters, she 
sprays him also, and exits) 

Nettleton. (Stands sniffing his coaf slcez-e, 
then where Florence has sprayed the colonic. 
Vanderholt sniffs the cologiic on h:ri, then Van- 
DERHOLT and Nettleton look at each other and 
nod) Boggs! I knew it! Boggs! That poison- 
ous scorpion — that wart— that toad — that grinning, 
chuckHng, chattering ape. {Doubles his fists and 
starts L.) 

Vanderholt. {Crosses to c.) Say, George — 
{As Nettleton turns and looks at him) did you 
notice a similarity between the perfume Florence is 
using and the one on your coat ? 

Nettleton. {Going to Vanderholt) Yes I 
did! And that devil in there is responsible for it. 
That stump-tailed serpent — that — (Goes toward 
the door l. i, with fists clenched; trying to get a 
suitable name for Johns) 

Vanderholt. Who — T? 

Nettleton. {Comes back to c. to explain it to 
Vanderholt) He's gone beyond his contract this 
time and I'm going to sue him for damages! 
(Starts L. again) And I'm going to damage him 
before the suit. I'm- 

Vanderholt. Here ! Cut that ! I'm the referee 
in this affair — you leave it to me — I'll straighten 
you out. 

Nettleton. (Comes rapidly back to Vander- 
holt. In angry complaining voice) Straighten 
me out? Me? Don't you know yet which one of 
us is the crook? And if you can't get him 
legally 



148 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Her voice heard a second he- 
fore she enters r. i) Where is he? {Enters from 
R. I, goes to L. Nettleton makes a dash for the 
stairs. Yanderholt runs above the table r.) 
Where is he? George! Come back here; I don't 
mean you. I mean T Johns. How dared he do 
such a thing to you and to me ? Where is he ? 

Nettleton. {Gaining courage when he finds 
it's not he. Comes down of the stage a bit) Ah! 
Of course that's different. How dared he? 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Throws the door l. i open; 
calls) T Johns ! T Johns ! Come here ! 

Vanderholt. {Goes to her; tries to pacify her) 
NeUie — please — if you'd only 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Turns on Mm furiously, 
Vanderholt retreats quickly to r. of the table l. 
Mrs. Nettleton follows to front of the settee, 
scolding) And you, Mr. Vanderholt, I never un- 
derstood before that you were at the bottom of all 
this trouble. 

(Nettleton comes dozvn on a line with them.) 

Vanderholt. {Bewildered) I ? 
Mrs. Nettleton. Yes, you ! 
Nettleton. {From r. of Vanderholt. Glad 
to have some one to blame) Yes, you ! 

(Vanderholt looks at him reproachfully. Tries 
to explain hut they don't give him a chance.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. When our two boys were get- 
ting along so happily and peacefully 

Nettleton. {Vigorously echoes Mrs. Nettle- 
ton in hope of squaring himself) And peace- 
fully— 

Mrs. Nettleton. Then you stepped in and up- 
set everything! 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 149 

Nettleton. (Waving his arms) Everything! 

(Vanderholt looks first at one and then the other 
as they address him, with the result that his 
head turns from side to side very quickly.) 

Mrs. Nettleton. And you did it on pur- 
pose 

Nettleton. With malice aforethought! (Net- 
tleton goes up c. to the stairs) 

Mrs. Nettleton. Just to charge them legal 
fees. 

Vanderholt. (Protesting) Oh, now, Nellie; 
don't! (Florence enters r. i, stands in front of 
the table r.) They had been going it for two years 
before I came in. Miss Florence knows that. I 
leave it to her. Now am I the one to be made re- 
sponsible? (Crosses to r. c.) 

Florence. (Goes to Vanderholt, shakes finger 
at him; severely) You are! 

Mrs. Nettleton. There! I knew it! 

Mrs. Nettleton. (Goes to Vanderholt, scold- 
ing; she is followed by Florence, who is followed 
by Nettleton. They back Vanderholt to above 
the table r., then down r. to the door r. i, leaving 
Mrs. Nettleton above the table r., Florence next 
her, just left of Mrs. Nettleton, afid Nettleton 
left of Florence. All speak at once until Coddles 
enters) It was perfectly horrid of you; my inno- 
cent husband, who called you his best friend; and 
poor old T ! 

Vanderholt. (With the rest, holds hands in 
front of him as he backs away) I tell you it wasn't 
my fault. I was only trying to teach them a valu- 
able lesson they both needed. 

Florence. \At the some time) You knew all 
the time just v/hat sort of a row you were stirring 
up and deserve everything that's coming to you. 



I50 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

Nettleton. {Chimes in) You saddled me 
with Boggs ! You did it deliberately. You knew in 
advance just what he'd do to me. 

Vanderholt. (Raises his voice above the rest) 
Here ! Here ! Stop it ! Will you stop it ! 

(Coddles comes on from l. i with a tray and five 
cocktails, places tray on the fable, and tries to 
get out L. I without being observed. She wears 
a little cap, which is on one side.) 

Vanderholt. {Continues rapidly) I never 
knew a poor devil yet who didn't get in trouble 
when he tried to help his friends ! Now, as for all 
this useless row 

Nettleton. {As Coddles is about to slip out, 
shouts) Coddles! (Coddles gives a violent start 
and stops, faces Nettleton, shaking) What's 
this ? Why isn't Boggs serving those cocktails ? 

Coddles. {Her knees knocking against each 
other; speaks in a high nervous voice) 'E arsked 
me to do it for 'im, sir ! ^ 

Nettleton. {Raises his voice angrily) Oh! 
He did I 

Florence. Don't get excited, George ! 

Mrs. Nettleton. {At the same time) Darling, 
please! 

Nettleton. {Waves at them to be quiet — 
speaks sarcastically) What else did the boss of the 
establishment have to say? 

Coddles. {Measuring the distance to the door 
l. with her eye; swallows) 'E said to tell you, sir, 
that if you didn't like it — you could charge 'im up 
with another hundred and go to 'ell — (Exits l. i) 

Nettleton. (Stands; clenches his fists and 
swears silently at Boggs) All right; we'll see about 
it! (G^ -^ up and presses the push button) 

Mrs. Nettleton. George ! What are you doing 
now? 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 151 

Nettleton. I'm ringing for Eoggs; if he don't 
come in, I'm going after him and bring him in! 
(BoGGS appears on the stairs in dress clcthes; comes 
down the stairs to c.) Boggs! {Goes down r.) 
You see him, Van; he's quitting! He's breaking 
his contract. He's — — 

Johns. {Coviies down c, takes out t!:e contract) 
I want to fell you something about that contract ! 

Nettleton. (Meets Johns c.) Yes, and I 
want to tell yoti something about that contract ! 

Johns and Nettleton. (Pointing at each other; 
holding up the contracts and glaring at each other) 
It is stated in that contract — — 

Florence. (Laughs; speaks briskly) Here, 
here, here — stop it ! There isii't any contract ! 

(Nettleton and Johns look at her and an expres- 
sion of joy overspreads their features.) 

Nettleton. (Almost shouting for joy) What? 

Johns. (At the same time, same tone) What's 
thatf 

Florence. (Beaming on them; brightly) There 
never was any contract! 

Vanderholt. (Sharply, as he goes quickly to 
the side of Nettleton. Mrs. Nettleton comes 
down R.) Why not! 

Florence. (Looks steadily at Vanderholt) 
To begin with, it wasn't legal ! (All look at Van- 
derholt) 

Vanderholt. (Crosses front of Nettleton to 
side of Florence; Nettleton goes up-stag e of 
Vanderholt to Mrs. Nettleton; they smile hope- 
fidly at each other) And why zvasn't it legal? 

Florence. (As all zvatch them intently, Flor- 
ence speaks swiftly, earnestly, and to the point) 
Because the contract, fundamentally, was based on 
a game of poker. Now, poker is gambling — (Slight 



152 A PAIR OF SIXES. 

pause — all register — Florence raises her voice tri- 
umphantly) and gambling is illegal ! 

Nettleton. {Wild with joy, raises his voice to 
stop Florence) Eh? 

JopiNS. {Same time with Nettleton) Oh! 

Mrs. Nettleton. {Same time with Johns and 
Nettleton, with a great sigh of relief) George! 

Vanderholt. Look here, Miss Florence, / knew 
that; but how in the name of glory did you know? 

Florence. I asked a lawyer! A real one ! {All 
hurst into laughter; Vanderholt goes upstage 
laughing above the table l. to L. of same, then 
down L. to front of the settee) You boys had a 
real business and you've made a farce of it, but now 
if you have the real stuif in you, you can make it 
a real success. 

Nettleton and Johns. How? {They come 
close to Florence) 

Florence. {Quickly, as she smiles at them.) 
It's like your digestive pill — depending on which is 
the more important — the outside or the inside. 

Nettleton. {Nods his head at Johns; speaks 
emphatically) It's partially the outside ! 

Johns. {With spirit) It's partially the Inside! 
{The partners speak together, each giving the other 
the credit. This should be a repetition of their big 
quarrel scene in the first, as they ad lib, each one, 
tries to top the other in voice until Florence stops 
them) 

Florence. {Breaks in,^ holds up her hand for 
quiet) It's the combination! {Puts their hands 
together, goes back of Johns to l. of him) 

Johns. {Laughs heartily as a thought strikes 
him) Say, George; what I said about Van still 
goes. 

Nettleton. {Laughs lightly in anticipation) 
What's that? 

Johns. {Laughs) He's a hell of a lawyer! 



A PAIR OF SIXES. 153 

(Vanderholt sits on the settee; laughs.) 

CURTAIN. 

(Second Curtain — Nettleton hands Mrs. Net- 
TLETON cocktail They drink. Johns puts 
ring on Florence's finger. Vanderholt pours 
drink.) 



154 



A PAIR OF SIXES 



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156 A PAIR OF SIXES 

DRESS 

T. BoGGS Johns: Act ist. 

Business suit. 

Derby. 

Flower in button hole. 

Clothes of a sporty character. 

Act 2ND. 

Wears side whiskers 

Butler's uniform, LARGE brass buttons. 

Act 3RD. 

Quick change to dress suit just before the finish 
of the Act. 
George Nettleton: Act ist. 

Business suit. 

Act 2ND. 

Cut-away coat. ^ 

Silk hat, striped trousers, cane, gloves, and etc. 

During the act makes quick change to Tuxedo. 

His smoking jacket and slippers are on stage 
when he makes his entrance. (See prop- 
erty plot for information of above) 

Act 3RD. 

Business suit. 

Soft hat. (This hat is kicked about) 

Overcoat. (A handkerchief to be in the inside 
pocket of this coat) 
T. J. Vanderholt: Act ist. 

Business suit. 

Derby, gloves and etc. 

Act 2ND. 

Tuxedo. 

Overcoat. 

Soft hat, and etc. 

Act 3RD. 

Business suit. 



A PAIR OF SIXES i57 

Tony Toler: Act ist. 

Business suit, cane, flashily dressed, flower in 
button-hole and etc. 
Mr. Applegate: Act ist. 

Prince Albert. 

Striped trousers. 

Silk hat. 

Flower in button-hole. 

Cane. 

Gray hair. 
Krome: Act ist. 

Business suit. 
Jimmy: Act ist. 

Boy's suit. 

Loud shirt and tie. 
Shipping Clerk: Act ist. 

Shirt Sleeves. 
Florence Cole: Act ist. 

Walking skirt. 

Everything smart and up to the minute. 

Act 2ND. 

Traveling suit. 

Act 3RD. 

Evening dress. 

Cape, gloves, and etc. 
Mrs. Nettleton: Act ist. 

Tailor made suit, gloves and etc. 

Act 2ND. 

Change of dress. 

During the act change is made to evening dress. 
Time for change twelve minutes. 

Act 3RD. 

Change of evening dress. 
Coddles : Act 2nd and 3RD. 

Maid's costume, cap and etc. 

Extra large pair of shoes that turn up at the toe: 



158 A PAIR OF SIXES 

Sally Parker: Act ist. 
Smart little dress. 
White waist. 
Sleeve protectors, of paper. 



SCENE AND PROPERTY PLOT 
ACT I 

Scene Represents : 

Offices of The Eureka Digestive Pill Company, 
New York. 

Main Entrance to office tj. l. door. 

Small rail and swinging gate are next passed to 
enter. 

Door, L. I to private office of " T. BOGGS 
JOHNS," whose name appears in large let- 
ters on the ground glass, which occupies 
upper half of door. 

Door, u. R. to "STOCK ROOM," which is 
lettered on ground glass on upper half of 
door. 

Door, R. I to private office of " GEORGE B. 
NETTLETON," which appears lettered on 
ground glass. 

Through the two windows at the back appear 
views of skyscrapers and tree-tops on the 
back drop. 

Green shades on the windows. 

OAK panels to height of about 5 ft. about 
room. Wall paper above — a tone of yellow. 

On the R. wall, two pictures — unframed — of the 
partners. 

Between the pictures just above the wainscot- 
ing, is an advertisement of the Pill they are 
** pushing." Calendar on the wall. Above 
the partners is a large map of " U. S." 

Rear wall at c. is Pill Adv. Calendar. 



A PAIR OF SIXES 159 

On the L. wall, is large clock. A framed picture 

of President Wilson. A Pill advertisement. 

Ground cloth down to represent polished floor. 

Numbers on Ground Plan Represent. 

1. Typewriter desk, with typewriter, szvivel chair. 

On Desk. — Plenty of typewriting paper, tele- 
graph blanks, carbon paper. Stenographer's 
pad, pencils, ink rubber. Letter file. Spindle 
file, with papers stuck on it. Many sheets of 
paper on the front of the desk, typed and 
with envelopes on the tops of the sheets, all 
laid in a row. 

2. Mahogany letter cabinet. 

On Cabinet. — Three (3) cardboard letter files. 

3. Water Cooler. Glass for same. 

4. Chair. Cane seat. 

5. Book-keeper*s High Desk. (Cherry) 

On Top Shelf of Desk. — Wire letter rack 
filled with letters and papers. Ledger. A 
large piece of cardboard the size of a news- 
paper, with the adv. section of a N. Y. paper 
pasted on one side. In the center of the paper 
is pasted a violet colored advertisement of 
the virtues of the coloring of Nettleton and 
Johns' Pill. Size about 4 ft. x 5 ft. (This 
is referred to in the play as " the dummy." 
Ledger and letter files.) 

On Rear of Desk. — Wire rack filled with violet 
color pill boxes. Six (6) letter files all along 
the rear of the desk. 

On the Desk Proper. — Large blotter. Ink- 
stand, two (2) bottles of ink in same, one red 
and other black. Pen rack and pens. Blot- 
ters and erasers. Large ledger on c. of desk, 
open with several printed slips in same. 



i6o A PAIR OF SIXES 

Spindle file r. with bunch of papers stuck on 
it. Telephone on the l. of desk. Two (2) 
N. Y. Telephone books hang by a cord on 
the L. side of desk. Waste paper basket 
underneath desk half filled. 
"A. D. Tr Call, on the wall between desk 
and door r. 

6. Brass Hat Rack. 

7. High Stool. (Cherry) 

8. Large six foot Mahogany Desk (Flat top). 

On Desk. — -A large blotter with brass corners, 
at c. Ink-well, stand for same. Pen rack 
and pens. Match stand and matches. (One 
match to be fixed in the stand so that it is 
higher than the rest in order that it can be 
drawn out quickly by Nettleton). Ash 
receiver. Bottle of library paste, with water 
well and brush. On the r. up-stage side of 
the desk, a wire rack filled with violet pill 
boxes full of violet pills. (These boxes to be 
about the size that hold 50 pills and the pills 
are colored bans.) On the l. up-stage side 
side of the desk, is a ledger. Space open for 
pack of playing cards. 

Cards Fixed. — At the bottom of the deck is 
placed the six of diamonds, on top of this is 
the Queen of Hearts, then the six of hearts, 
then seven cards of any suit, but small de- 
nomination, after which is a nine, a three, an 
eight, the King of Hearts, the Jack of Hearts, 
the Ace of Hearts, and the four of spades, on 
top of these the rest of the deck. An elastic 
around the deck. They are placed back of 
the ledger, out of sight of the audience. 
" Krome " changes another pack of them later 
in the act. Some mail on the c. of desk and 
a letter opener. 

9. Mahogany chair. (Office) 
8. Mahogany chair. (Office) 



A PAIR OF SIXES i6i 

10. Mahogany cJiair. (Office) 

11. Mahogany chair. (Office) 

12. Mahogany Desk. (Roll Top) 

On Desk. — Ledger, open, with a few letters 
inside. Ink-stand. Ink-well. Pens, paper, 
twelve inch rule, mail, a letter for " Krome " 
to give " Jimmy." 

On Ton of Desk. — Three stacks of Pills, 
pyramid form. 

14. Kitchen chairs. With clean sheets on them. 

15. Prop table. 

16. Rosin hoard. 

SIDE PROPS 

On table No. 15. 

For '* Johns ". — Two bank books. Ring box 

containing ring set with two diamonds and a 

ruby. 
For " Nett ". — A N. Y. newspaper. 
For " Jimmy ". — Two letters, one ad., to 

" Sally ", other to " Krome ". A package for 

" Krome." 
For " Krome ". — Box of cigars full of wooden 

ones, and two real ones. 
On Chair, l. i. — A pack of playing cards to be 

sent to ** Krome's " room, cards to match 

those on the c. desk. 
On Chair, r. i. For *' Jimmy ". — A box of 

cigars, two good ones, the rest wooden. The 

two good cigars in this box must be a different 

shape from those in the box l. i. 
For '* Nett ". — ^A bank cheque. 

ACTS II and III 

Scene Represents : 

Home of Mr. Nettleton. New York City. 



i62 A PAIR OF SIXES 

Woodwork is WHITE. 

Stairs. The hand rails are mahogany, treads, 

white. 
On the walls in panels, satin damask. 
Large oil painting over the mantel l., in shadow 

box, gold frame. 

On Mantel. — Bronze clock. A bronze candle- 
stick at each end. Two photos in bronze 
frames. 

In Fireplace. — Brass Andirons. On same fire- 
log, with light inside. 

By Fireplace. — Fire tools above f. p. 

Stairs u. c. lead off l. Red carpet on stairs. 

Window and window seat u. r. On the win- 
dows are silk curtains of a brown tone, and 
lace curtains. 

The windows on the stairs have red plush cur- 
tains on brass rods, and a view of the street 
can be seen. 

On arch u. r. are large red curtains — plush — on 
brass rod. 

Red carpet covers the stage. 

1. Console table (Adams) Vase of carnations, 

two books, pictures, silver frames, doilie. 

2. Small table, Doilie, vase of flowers, magazines. 

3. Adams chair. 

4. Small '' pie crust " table. Doilie. Silver tray. 
China tray. China pitcher. Sugar bowl. Cup 
and saucer. Spoons. Cream pitcher. 

5. Arm chair. (Large) 

6. Arm chair. 

7. Adams table. Two books. Ivory paper knife. 

8. Small table. Doilie. Four books. Lamp. 

9. Adams table. (Glass cover) Doilie. Pictures 
in silver frames. TELEPHONE. Lamp. 
Two eve. papers (N. Y. papers) 

ID. Adams chair. 



A PAIR OF SIXES 163 

11. Kitchen chairs. Off-stage. 

12. Settee. 

14. Screen. 

15. Prop, table. 

16. Window seat. Five pillows. Two pots of 
flowers. Roses. On the floor in front of win- 
dow seat, three pillows, two together and one 
on top of them. " Van's " coat is throvv^n here 
by " Johns ". Outside of the windov/ is a sheet 
which catches " Nettleton's " coat when 
" Johns " throws it outside the window. 

Just Above the Table. — 
6. Underneath the stage carpet are placed a couple 

of quijts to ease " Coddles " fall in the last act. 
NOTE : — Furniture referred to is of the " Adam " 

period. 

SIDE PROPS 

A backing to be placed oft l. for " Nettleton's " 
change in Act 2. In backing are two kitchen 
chairs and sheets, hat rack, and mirror. 
On Table 15. — 

For " Johns ". — Silver tray, five glasses, de- 
canter of cold tea, syphon. (These glasses 
are 'high-ball' type.) Small towel. 
Wooden tray (handles), two cocktail glasses, 
painted to look as though they held cocktails. 
Dust pan, whisk broom. 
Brass coal scuttle, half filled with coal, this 
. appearance brought about by false bottom. 
Contract for " Johns ". 

For " Coddles ". — Three letters add. to 
" Johns " in feminine handwriting. A broom 
on the top landing of stairs. 
On Prop Table off r. 

For " Nett ". — Cane. 

Red book. Small note book. Pencil. 



i64 A PAIR OF SIXES 

Frame of three cards, two sixes and the 

Queen of Hearts, the last mentioned card, 

sHghtly torn. This frame is wrapped in box 

and tied with violet ribbon. 

Feather duster, wrapped tight. 

CONTRACT IN POCKET. 
For " Florence ". — Small black satchel. 
For " Johns ". — Slippers (*' Nettleton's) 

Smoking Jacket. 

Bundle of laundry. (Four shirts and six 

collars) 
For " Mrs. Nett ". — Pocket-book, telegram in 

same. Also mirror and powder puff. 
Bell Works from u. r. 

A Small wooden hammer to be placed on 

chair outside door r. 2., for ** Van " to hit 

the door with. 

ACT III 

Off l. I ON Prop Table. 

For " Johns ". — Tray used on table — 4 — in 

Second Act with china. 

Wooden tray, five cocktail glasses with cold 
tea. 

Hot water bag, half-filled with hot water. 

Bunch of red roses. 

Feather duster. (One used in Second Act) 

Contract. (Same one as in Act Two) 

Fountain pen. 
On Top Landing of Stairs on Chair. — One 

pair of violet colored pajamas, and one pair 

of pink pajamas. 
Off r. on Prop Table. — 

For " Florence ". — An Atomizer, wrapped in 

paoer. 

V:uL 



A PAIR OF SIXES 165 

For " Nettleton ". — Contract used in Act 

Two (" Nettleton " to keep this). 
On Stage Changes. — Nettleton's slippers to 

be placed in the fireplace on the fender. 
On Table 9. — Portfolio in drawer, in same 

gray paper. Envelopes. Decanter stands 

from Act 2 ; tray, etc. 

On Table 6. — Pair of sixes and Queen in 
frame, on front of table. 
Ivory paper knife, and one book. 
On Table 2. — Vase from mantel containing the 
violets used in the second act by " Florence ". 
IMPORTANT.— Baize to be swept carefully where 
glass is broken in the second act. 



ELECTRICAL PLOT 

ACT I 

(Office Interior) 
At Rise. 

Footlights 2 Circuits STRAW i Circuit 

AMBER, FULL UP 

Ceiling border 2 Circuits STRAW i Circuit 

AMBER, FULL UP 

Back border i Circuit STRAW i Circuit 

AMBER, FULL UP 

STRAW Arcs from r. and l. on back drop. 

AMBER bunches in r. i e., r. 2 e., and l. i e., 

l. 2 e.. 
Three 2-light brackets NOT PRAC. 
(One between v/indows at c. One between 

side doors.) 
Two bells off-stage, l. (Must have different 

sounds.) 



i66 A PAIR OF SIXES 

Electric wall plate switch on wall below l. 2 E. 
" A. D. T." Messenger Call, on wall between 

large desk and door, r. 2 e. 
" Your lights stand throughout this act." 

ACT II 

(Handsome Interior) 
At Rise. 

Footlights FULL UP 
Ceiling border FULL UP 
Back border i circuit BLUE FULL UP. 
BLUE Arcs outside window u. r. and win- 
dows u. L. 
AMBER bunnches in r. i e., r. 2 e., and on 

stairs. 
Three, 2-light brackets, PRAC. Pink silk 

shades. AMBER globes. 
(One above the mantel h., one below. One 

between the tv^^o doors on the r. wall.) 
One brass lamp, AMBER globe, on table 8, 

PRAC. 
One lamp on table 9. PRAC. Mahogany 

stand, PINK silk shade. 
Desk telephone instrument on table 9. 
PRAC. telephone bell box placed back of 

screen 14, to be worked from the fireplace, 

L. 2. 

Electric door bell, off-stage, r. 

" All Brackets and table lamps lighted 

throughout Acts II and III." 
" Your lights stand throughout this act." 

ACT III 

(Same as Act II.) 
At Rise. 

All lights the same as in Act 11. 

" Your lights stand throughout this act." 



A PAIR OF SIXES 167 

CUE PLOT 
Acts I, II, and III. 
ACT I 

1 Door slam on first exit of Nettleton r. i. 

Nettleton 
" System, do you get me ? System ! " 
(The door is then held slightly ajar until the next 
slam) 

2 Johns 
" What he doesn't know " 
Slam the door r. i. 

3 Johns 

" You do it my way or I'll discharge you " 
Door slam. l. i as Johns exits. 

4 Sally 
" You looked so funny " 

Buzzer off right followed by bell they ring con- 
tinuously until 

Sally 
" Which one rang first ? " 
Buzzer and bell stop. 

Krome 
" Neither it was both at once " 
Buzzer right until 

Sally 
" if I go to Mr. Nettleton " 

As Sally is within a few feet of the door right — 
Bell left, until— 

Sally 
" if I go to Mr. Johns " 
As Sally reaches left center the bell stops and 

buzzer, right, sounds. 
As Sally starts back to right, the bell rings again, 



i68 A PAIR OF SIXES 

then both the bell and the buzzer ring until — 
Krome 

" That will make you laugh " 

Bell and Buzzer stop. 

5 Nettleton 
" head of the firm. Bah ! 

Sally 
Bah! 

As Sally exits quickly r. i after Nettleton. 
Door slam right first. 

6 Johns 
" I did " 

Nettleton 
" Bah " 

Johns 
" Bah " 

As the partners exit right first and left first the 
doors left first and right first are slammed hard. 

7 Nettleton 
" Napoleons valuable time " 

Slam right first as Nettleton exits. 

8 Florence 
" I'll risk it here, quick ! " 

As Jimmy runs out up right door is slammed hard. 

9 Johns 
"The bone and fat" 

The door left first is slammed hard as John exits. 

10 Johns 
" Mut " 

Nettleton 
"What?" 

Johns 
" Tut, tut " 

The door right first and left first are slammed 
hard as Johns and Nettleton exit left and right. 

11 Johns 



A PAIR OF SIXES 169 

" Devil chasers " 

Nettleton 
" Bah " 

Doors left first and right first are slammed hard 
as Johns and Nettleton exit left and right. 



ACT II 



1 Coddles 
" H'm in the kitchen ! " 

Door slam left first as Coddles exits. 

2 Nettleton 
" Remember the contract " 
Door bell off right. 

3 Nettleton 
" With such a trivial matter " 

Door bell off right. 
Nettleton to be notified where frame (of cards) 
is knocked to by Johns. 

4 Nettleton 
" All right I won't " 

Door bell off right. 

5 Nettleton 
" Clear out " 

Door bell off right. 
6 
As Johns exits left after the above bell, door slam. 

7 
Florence is warned in time to laugh off-stage when 
Johns places the coal scuttle by the fireplace. 

8 Coddles 

" On the head with a hatchet " 
Door slam on Coddles' exit left first and door bell 
off right. 

9 Johns 



I70 A PAIR OF SIXES 

" Written on the eighteenth and this the twentv- 

f ourth " 
Door bell off right. 

10 

When Johns goes on from left first with the tray 
of cocktails, door is left open (Held open) until 
he exits with the tray, then closed. He enters 
again at once, the door is opened for him and 
held open until he exits again, then slammed. 
At this point the door must not be slammed too 
hard. 

ACT III 

1 Door left first to be opened for Johns at rise. 

2 Coddles 

" The liberty of speaking to him " 

Door left first is slammed hard as Coddles exits. 

3 Nettleton 
" Oh but darling " 

Phone rings twice. 
(Phone is worked from off left and watched through 
the fireplace) 

4 Nettleton 

" Nellie for heavens sake, don't " 

As Nettleton kneels by Mrs. Nettleton ring phone. 

Phone continues to ring until Nettleton crawls 

towards it, as he is within a few feet of phone, 

STOP. 
Nettleton crawls back to Mrs. Nettleton. 

Nettleton 
" Won't you even look at me " 
Phone rings again, continues ringing until Johns 

opens the door up right. 

5 Mrs. Nettleton 
" She poor old telephone " 



A PAIR OF SIXES 171 

Door bell rings, which continues until Johns 

opens the door up right. 
6 

As Johns enters to answer the above bell, the door 

left first is held open and when he runs off, it 

is slammed as hard as possible. 

7 

Door is held open when Coddles goes on with 

cocktails the last part of act, as she exits after 
this door left first is slammed hard. 



HK259-78 



